Updating finally...

So once again I have gotten very behind in posting. Mostly because I haven't been feeling that well. I had a wisdom tooth taken out two Thursdays ago...and it really hurt! It was a bottom one and it was only partially through the skin (just in the front part), so they had to cut it and then pulled out. I can finally open my mouth all the way again! LOL. I had the stitches taken out last Thursday. My jaw was very very sore all week.

I am have once again been bleeding very badly. It is very heavy and doesn't seem to want to let up. I have been taking birth control for three weeks but it just seems to have gotten worse in that time. I went for more blood tests to check my thyroid yesterday. If nothing is wrong there I am not sure what they are going to try next. They wanted me to go on the Depo birth control shot and I said no. I think pumping all these combinations of hormones in me may be what got me where I am now. All the meds and stuff I was taken trying to get pregnant may have caused this, so I don't want more. Well I am sure it is some hormone that I need...but all this "here try this and here try this" stuff is likely making it worse. I think they need to try to pinpoint more what hormone I do need...and just give me it! But that's just me...

We are still doing very good. He didn't talk to her for almost two weeks! WOOHOO! I really wish he didn't talk to her at all...but he does occasionally still. I don't worry about him being with her sexually any longer...but I really don't want him to talk to her at all. It brings back bad memories for me when I know they have been together at all. It makes pictures of them together pop back into my head...and they are so hard to get out. I guess two weekends ago she had to see her soon to be ex-husband with another woman at the bar. I heard it was a bad scene. But ya know...I don't feel sorry for her. She wasn't thinking about him when she was having sex with my husband...so now that they are getting a divorce how can she think he is going to not be with anyone else?? Honestly it would have served her right if he had said he want to work on things with her...and then went screwing around on her. Ooops that slipped out...I shouldn't think evil things like that. I just wish he hadn't ever had an affair. It's so hard to get out of my head. I guess that is why so many couples divorce after an affair. But divorce is definitely not something I want to do! I love him with all my heart and I believe he loves me too. He was somewhat confused...and very selfish when he had the affair. And now he has his head on straight and is planning his future with me....and no one else. If I could have selective amnesia I would wipe out all memories of the affair. I can't stand something setting off the memories of how it...because then I can see the two of them having sex and it is something that takes a long time to get back out of my head. I never actually saw them...but I can so see it so clearly in my mind. How does one make that scene go away and never come back?

~Melody

Feeling better now...

Well because of how I was feeling yesterday, I decided to go home and talk to him about it. It went very well. He was very understanding (as he really should be anyways) and I could tell he was very honest with me.

The first thing I discussed with him was the fact that he had said early on in one of the conversations after the affair came out, that he wasn't in love with me anymore. That he still loved me and always would, but that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. He said he was confused at that time and thought because the butterflies and newness of our relationship had faded that meant he wasn't in love with me anymore. But he now realizes that isn't true. That even though he doesn't feel those butterflies that doesn't mean we aren't in love. What makes us in love is the fact that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Like when he thinks about dying...it is me he wants by his side taking care of him. It is me he wants to have babies with...etc. He also said that he hit the jackpot with me and he knows it. He said that he can take any woman he meets or talks to and find something wrong with her. But with me he can't. He said "You are beautiful. You are so smart. You have common sense. You have a big heart. And you don't put up a front when you first meet people, when they meet you-they are really meeting you." He said he is lucky to still have me and he knows that. He said while he was living with her for those five days he found himself thinking things like this often "Mel wouldn't have said that" "Mel doesn't do it that way" "Mel would never do that" etc. So basically he did miss me while he was gone, he just had to admit that to himself...and of course to me too.

The second thing was the fact that he had also made a statement about when we got married I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but that was before he met her. He said he does know now that no matter who he meets from now on...he will never change his mind about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. I am his wife and that is how he always wants it to be. He never wants to be with anyone else. And his reasons obviously tie back with the above paragraph. He regrets the affair because of what it took from our relationship...how it has made me feel. That it can probably never be exactly the way it was before. And I think he is probably right. But I know it can be very close to the way it was before. We will regain the trust eventually. Time does truly heal all.

So I am at peace with a lot of the thoughts that were trying to consume my mind. I can admit there will be times when I get paranoid and wonder if he is doing it again...but I know that will fade with time. And since I know we have all the time we need to get there, it will be okay.

~Melody

Why can't I just let go...

Things are going good really. But for some reason I just can't let go and totally enjoy it. It's like I just keep waiting for something to go wrong. And that is not something I have ever done when it comes to our relationship. But I do now. Even though he is treating me the way he did before the affair...it's just not the same. Maybe it's because everything has lost its innocence. I am not saying I don't think he doesn't love me or anything like that. But I don't want to be naive and assume he loves me as much. Because I don't see how he can after disreguarding me to have an affair. It's just so hard to let it go. I want to...but I am afraid. I am afraid to love him as freely as before...to believe everything he says...to totally trust him...to give all I have to give. Because when I did that before he had an affair and shattered my heart. I don't want to be blindsided again. So I ask myself how does one fully recover from an affair...whether it is with the person who committed the affair or with someone new? How do you trust someone enough to believe they will never betray you like that? It's like once it happens you are waiting for it to happen again. Like before it happened you never thought twice about it...but now it's always lurking in the back of your mind. This ugly thought that once in awhile consumes you. Takes your breath away. Takes your zest for life away. And you can push it back as many times as you want...but it keeps coming back. How do you get rid of it? How do you lock it away so that you don't have to think it anymore? How do I explain this to him. How do I explain to him I am scared without seeming too needy or desperate? How do explain to him I am afraid he doesn't love me the way he did when he married me? How do I explain to him no matter how hard I try I can't stop seeing him with her? How do I explain to him that I feel like I am his second choice...that he only came back to me because she pushed him away? How do I make the "what ifs" go away? What if she hadn't pushed him away? What if I hadn't figured it out? What if he does it again? What if he realizes all the sudden he wants to be with her after all? What if I am not strong enough to let go? What if...what if...what if! Two words that I hate! I don't want to push him away...I want to be married to him. I want our relationship to recover....but how do I let go?

It was a good weekend even though we ran into her!

Friday night was pretty uneventful. Saturday day I went shopping with a friend. Got some new fish which I got an awesome deal on because it was buy one get one for a penny! So my tank went from 1 lone gold fish to now having 13 total fish! I got four fancy tail something or anothers (they look like goldfish with fancy tails LOL); four neon tetras; an upside down catfish; a placostomas (sp) (algea eater); and two Platys (one looks like he has mickey mouse on his tail...kid you not it is plain as day the face and two ears in black on it's tail!). Her and I then drove over to where Donny and I are from so I could clean the dog pens and stuff like that (at our old house-that we rent to my brother-he takes care of my dogs because I can't have them where I live now). Then her and I picked up Donny and her husband (they work together) and the four of us went and had supper. Then we went home so he could take a shower and get cleaned up.

We went to a local bar to attend a party that we were invited to there. Well that group of people all basically took off between 11 and midnight. As they were all leaving Donny ran into a guy he used to work with. He was there with four friends and we joined their group. When the bar was about to close this guy asked us to go next door to the after party (it's where you take your own alcohol and dance and party some more!) but I said no we shouldn't go because she would be there. She always goes to it, and I didn't want to run into her. Because I knew if her and Donny had anything to do with each other it would be bad because at that point I was drunk. Well this guy told me not to worry about it because Donny told him about the affair and he would keep Donny with his group and we would be okay. So against my better judgement (which was impaired by the alcohol) I went. She was there of course. But the funny thing is I talked to her...Donny didn't, not one word the whole time. I don't know why I talked to her. I suppose it was because I was drunk, but when I looked at her sitting there it made me really said and I realized how much I miss her. I hate what she did to me having the affair with Donny, but I do miss her. And because I was drunk I couldn't control my emotions at all. I remember why I don't like drinking. I want to hate her so bad, but I can't. I do still want her out of our lives though. Because I know as long as she is across the street and probably even still in the area...I will always wonder if they are seeing each other again. Okay not always...but at least for a long while. I sat the next day thinking about how I had talked to her and what I had said and I felt pretty stupid. I mean I don't want her to know I miss her, because I don't want to miss her. I want her to know what she did to me. I want her to know it was wrong. So I hate that I talked to her. But I am so happy that he didn't say a word to her. He told me he didn't have the urge to talk to her. HOORAY!

Sometime during the night at the bar the bleeding stopped!! WOOHOO! So we had drunk sex sometime after we got home. I cried during it and after. Not really sure why...I just had tears streaming down my face. I suppose part of it was pent up from not having had sex since Thanksgiving, part of it because I knew he had sex with her from then until a few weeks ago, and part of it because of the alcohol. Last night we made love and it was wonderful. I am so glad we can once again have that part of our relationship. Yesterday he also made a comment that I didn't realize what it really meant until later. I can't remember exactly what I was talking about but it was something about having wanted to do something regularly but couldn't....and he said "well you don't have to worry about it now because I am back". I think that was him telling me he knows without a doubt he wants to be with me. I think that is the first solid step forward, especially when you add it to him not talking to her the night before. I know there may be set backs (I still worry about him talking to her on Thursdays) but I am feeling like in all we are heading forward...and it's a wonderful feeling!

~Melody

So tired today...

I am sure it is because of the fact that I am still bleeding! Yeah 22 days and counting. I called the dr. today and left a message to see if I needed to start taking provera. Because I figure I can't start the BCP until I stop bleeding, and I will need the provera to do that. Stupid body! And yes I said birth control pill. As much as I hate the thought of taking it....what other choice do I have. I don't want to continue having periods where I bleed for three plus weeks. I mean I can't have sex (which in itself sucks) and since I can't have sex, I am obviously not ever going to get pregnant anyways! So I figure I might as well try the BCP to get the bleeding under control so I can at least have a healthy sex life with my husband! Once we have that back, getting pregnant will be a bonus!

He is being so great about things now. I mean he is totally opening up to me and helping to say and do things to put my mind at ease. He even said tonight his plan is to go to bed with me (he is hoping I can manage to stay up a bit later than normal-so I might want to nap when I get home LOL) so that he can sleep in tomorrow morning. By going to bed with me he won't be up when she comes home after work, thus eliminating him going over then. But I am concerned about after he wakes up and I am at work. He said he is going to try his hardest to not go see her. I told him to get on the net and stay on the net researching stuff all day, or play his video games. Anything to keep him busy. He admitted it is her being across the street that keeps him from being able to not see her at all. It is too much to know that she is just sitting over there while he his home alone and bored. So I am going to try to think of something to keep his interest on the net...something he can research that he will find interesting enough to keep his mind off of her! I am seriously thinking of installing yahoo messenger on my work pc so I can chat with him off and on while I work. In hopes of keeping his mind on me...thus helping to keep him from going to see her! I think I will ask my boss if it is okay! At most she will say no. Good thing Thursday and Sundays are his days off...because since I have Sundays off work...we only have to work so hard to get through Thursdays!

I think most of his need to see her now comes down to the fact that it was just his routine before. That and being at her place helps remind him of the good times we used to have with her and her husband. And we did, before the affair, the four of us had a lot of fun together. I miss that I really do. But there is no going back now. Her and him ruined that when they chose to have an affair. I wish people thought more when they have an affair...but I guess if they did then they wouldn't have the affair, huh? I mean even if they would have, after the first time of having sex, realized how horribly wrong it was, and never did it again...we could have healed and gotten past it a lot easier. It is the fact that they kept doing it over and over...that makes it so bad!

Well I best get back to work...although I could really use a long nap!!

~Melody

Feeling better most days...

I can honestly say I do feel better about things. I don't dread going home anymore...thinking what can we fight about tonight? I am anxious to get home now...I can't wait til 5 pm knowing I can see him. It's the feeling I used to get only better because before I knew it was just a few minutes in passing as I came home and he left for work, now it's knowing I get to spend the whole evening with him! I know as time passes we will not spend the whole evening together...that I will feel okay with leaving and going out with a friend shopping or whatever. But for now I just want to spend time with him...doesn't have to just be him...we can do stuff with friends or just be out in public. Or I can work on my scrapbooking while he watches tv...as long as we are both in the house somewhere I am happy.

He doesn't get mad when I talk about her or the affair. There are still unanswered questions I want to know. But for now I am dealing with what I know. Now we are concentrating on ourselves. Like I am working on losing weight and he is helping me with that (he swears he needs to lose too). We are working on communicating better with each other no matter what it is about. I always thought we did communicate well, but apparently it wasn't well enough. There are so many things about him I didn't know he was feeling and vice versa. I don't know if that happens because you start to assume your partner just knows those things after this long, like you took for granted they did. But no more of that. We are opening our mouths. Like the other night he commented that even though I put on weight I still have great legs. He noticed that while we were at Walmart. So I was estatic thinking "Wow! My husband was checking me out!" And so I was sure to tell him the next day how good that made me feel, instead of just assuming he knew how it made me feel. I think it's the simple things like that that help you fall back in love with each other, it takes you back to the beginning when everything was new and innocent. Unlike how I felt after I realized about the affair...I suddenly felt like the innocence was gone replaced with something dirty and cold. I mean that is what we are doing really...starting over, so we can have the trust back in our relationship.

Sometimes I still get this sudden fear that I am trusting him too much too soon. I get this fear that he will relapse because I let him by trusting him so quickly. I know it's probably crazy but I swear it is in my nightmares....that I catch him having sex with her again. And it's always her...never anyone else. I honestly trust him around women in general...just not around her. Which is why I hate that he still goes and sees her. I know he says there is nothing going on sexually...and I believe him, but when they are alone together it makes me have the images in my head of the two of them having sex. And that makes me sick, so very sick. But if I don't trust him some...what kind of relationship will we have. Not to mention it will just drive me crazy always wondering. I wonder enough stuff as it is. I wonder if he loves me as much now as before the affair. I wonder if when he looks at me he ever thinks of her. I wonder if sexually I will still be good enough for him (since we haven't had sex yet because of my stupid period). I wonder if he still likes the way I kiss. I wonder if he likes the way I touch him more than the way she touched him. I wonder if he stayed with me just because she wasn't over her husband yet. I wonder if she were to call and say come be my guy for good...if he would. I wonder if down the road he will wake up and think "I shouldn't have stayed". That and other things. So that occupies my time and hasn't so far given me too much time to wonder if they are still having sex. I mean the only time they could be is when he goes over there early Thursday mornings or during the day Thursday. And I think he would act differently if it was happening. But it does bother me lots that I can't have sex with him right now. I feel like that makes him need it from her. I am rambling now... But my mind goes in a million directions all the time now. Sometimes I need an off switch...and sleeping doesn't work. Well I best go for now...this is long enough.

~Melody

Just feeling kind of blah...

Today was a beautiful day weatherwise. So I got up the energy to completely clean out my car. Scrubbed the whole inside down...even vacuumed it. But that pretty much wiped me out for the day. I haven't done anything since. Between all that is going on and the fact that I am still bleeding...it doesn't take much to exhaust me.

The roller coaster ride with Donny has evened out a lot and isn't so bad. He is pretty much leveled out on what he thinks and feels and treats me like he used. He shows love and kindness...no more anger and meanness. But the roller coaster of emotions and thoughts in my own head is full speed ahead. I can't seem to get control on it. I don't really fear he will up and leave me or he any longer. But I still wish he would quit seeing her totally. I know I need to be firm and tell him he has to. But what does that accomplish. I mean I know the affair is over and he is not going to leave me for her, and he isn't trying to be with both of us in an intimate way. I know he has decided I am more important as far as being my husband and only being her friend. I know that he shouldn't still be her friend, but I am hoping that by backing off and letting him see her one day a week...he will let go of her on his own. With him the more you push the more stubborn he becomes. If I thought he was still being intimate with her then I would be pushing lots more because what would I have to lose? But if he is just being her friend then it isn't so bad.

Some days I can get through the day without thinking of the two of them together intimately. But then somedays, like today, it consumes my thoughts. I wonder things I wished I didn't. Because I really don't want to know but I keep getting these pictures of them together that way, and I don't know how to get them out of my head! I hate it! The images of the two of them naked having sex make me want to throw up. The images of him looking at her the way he looks when we make love kill me. I wish I could block them out, but I don't know how. I suppose over time they will fade away. But I wish they were gone now. Maybe if the bleeding would stop I could replace them with images of him and I. But until we can make love again I have nothing to replace them with. It has been since Thanksgiving that he and I made love. It is driving me crazy that we can't. I just wish the bleeding would stop! And I don't want to have to go on birth control pills to make it stop. But that's a whole other debate going on in my head.

Well I am going to have to go pick him up from work soon, so I best clear my head and try to think happier thoughts!

~Melody

How much more can I really take?

So I come home tonight to find out he went back over there after I left. And I realize he doesn't have to tell me this...but it still makes me upset that he did it. Apparently she really really made him mad with her lies. And he wanted to hit her so bad...that he hit the poor guy that she has been messing around with lately. Luckily this guy must have understood enough of what was going on that he didn't freak out back. He just tried to talk him done and then got him away from her to calm him down. In all of the ten years that we have been together he has never gotten that mad. She does this to him, she changes him. And I am having a hard time convincing him of that. Well he says he sees it and he doesn't like it, but he isn't changing it by staying away from her. She is like this drug to guys...because he is not the only one she has affected like this.

We talked a lot tonight about it. And he sees she has a alcohol problem. And that she could be a better person if she went and got help. So we decided that she really needs to go to rehab. He asked me if I would go with him to approach her about getting help. I said yes. Because while I hate what they have done....I don't want her life to be any worse than it is. I think if she would get help she could be a better person. But honestly I don't think it will do any good. I think she will be mad at us for it. He said he was going to tell her if she didn't go he couldn't be her friend anymore. He asked me if he was being selfish in make that demand...and I was thinking ummm...NO! She is doing nothing but changing you and bringing you down (not to mention about destroying your chances with your wife) because of her drinking...so of course it is your right to not be her friend anymore if she continues on her destructive path.

So we went and talked to this guy she is seeing about helping us convince her she could do better for herself if she gets some help with her alcohol problem. Well he works with her. After awhile of us talking to him she comes around the corner and says "You guys are really pissing me off!". Too bad. Of course it was pissing her off. She has been using both Donny and this guy. Saying things to Donny about this guy and I am sure things to this guy about Donny. Making herself seem like the innocent one. And now that they are talking...well they are going to figure that out! Figure out that she is lying to both of them. But none the less Donny seemed really upset about it on the way home. He went straight to bed. Which I know he was tired...but I could tell it was mostly because it upset him. I hope he realizes how important it is that he does stop being her friend. For himself, for me, and for our marriage. She really is on a path of destruction. And it is one thing if she wants to destroy herself and her life...but if she thinks I will continue to let her destroy him and me...along with her she is crazy. I am so mad at her right now! She is only thinking of herself as usual. And I am so tired of it! She always tells everyone what they want to hear...even if it means lying. I don't think she knows the truth from a lie anymore. But let me tell you...if I go with him to talk to her about rehab...we will all see her true colors...she won't just say what she thinks I want to hear...because I will push her until she tells the truth. Because in her eyes she has nothing to lose by pissing me off. But she doesn't realize she has a lot to lose...

~Melody

Well Not Worrying about Today...

He took the pressure off of me worrying about him going to see her while I am at work today. Because he went and saw her at 3:30 am when she got home from partying. He didn't try to sneak over there or even sneak back. I fully knew he went. I looked outside after he left and saw that her new "toy" (that is what she thinks guys are, I swear) was there too. So I didn't waste my energy going over there or even calling to have him come home. I was like wtf-ever and went back to sleep. I mean I know he wasn't doing anything with her this time, I mean her newest toy there that wasn't going to happen, at least not without there being a fight. So I decided to let it go for now. This morning I just told him I was unhappy that he went over there. That how could I believe him when he told me things now? That he told me he didn't need to talk to or see her, but yet he went over there. Then he said he was pissed that I removed her number from the phone, address book, and his wallet. Well I told him he had no right to be pissed because he told me he wasn't going to talk to her anymore, so why did he need her numbers? Well that was the end of that conversation! His reasoning for it being okay for him to go over there this morning was because she was having a party so he wasn't alone with her. Well ummm...no that doesn't make it okay! I asked him what he would do when he went over there sometime and it was just her, and whether she was sober or drunk she wanted to have sex with him? He said he would turn her down. I said are you sure you can do that? He said he could. But I think he may find himself unsure once placed in that situation, so I say it's best to not put yourself in that situation to find out...which is why he can't go see her! But of course he can't get that! And since I was heading out to work I didn't want to fight about it. Then he gave me one of those kisses that melt me and make me want to head to the bedroom and get naked...IYKWIM. And I left wanting to hate my body for responding to it!

I honestly have no doubt that he loves me. And even that he wants to be with me forever (because wanting and doing are two different things). But I just can't let go of the fact that he still has to have some contact with her, it bothers me, makes me feel like he could decided to go back to her at anytime...for whatever reason he had the affair in the first place. I know he is making steps towards recovering what we once had....but I don't feel like we can completely do that until she is totally out of the picture. So what do I do?? I know I can stay strong and stand my ground that he has to not see or talk to her at all! But at what cost? Do I chance killing what progress we made? Do I compromise somehow? I know everyone is telling me it is either my way or I should make him leave, but honestly I am just not ready to let go. I wish I was...but I am not. I know some day I am going to wake up (if he continues seeing her) and decide enough is enough that I am not going to take it anymore. And at that point it is my way or he goes. But right now I am not ready to do that. Does that make me weak? Does that make me stupid? No I think it makes me human.

On other notes...I am on my sixteenth day of AF and while it has slowed in the last few days...it doesn't appear to be stopping. The dr. said one more week and then I have to do something to make it stop or I will be making myself too weak from the blood loss. That I have to either take the progesterone or go back on BCP. Neither I want to do...I think all the hormones makes me even more messed up. But I can't keep bleeding forever either. I hate my body! It's like instead of shutting the gate to build up the blood for another cycle...the gate is stuck open so the blood just keeps coming out instead of building back up for another AF visit! It sucks! I have however managed to lose 16 pounds (as of a couple days ago) and that feels wonderful. If AF ever leaves I have plans of running with him and doing some exercise routines with a friend. I am hoping to keep losing and get to be a few pounds less than when we started dating. No matter what happens that will show him what he has to lose or has lost! LOL.

~Melody

Just can't concentrate today...

I am at work but hardly getting any work done. I just can't seem to concentrate. I mean it's been a problem through this whole ordeal...but it seems far worse today. I don't know why...but my mind is in a million more directions today than normal. I just want to sit down and cry. I just want my life back. I just want her to go away...far far away. I want my husband back...I want our love back...our want our marriage back...I want our future back. I just feel like it is all gone now. I feel like everything that I thought my life was...isn't real anymore. I feel like the life I was living suddenly isn't mine anymore, that it was replaced with this life I am living now. The one full of uncertainty, full of hurt, full of anger, full of loss. And I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do. I am feeling so lost right now. I love him so much that I can't let go no matter how hard I try. He is with me and he says it is what he wants...but why do I feel like it's different now. That he doesn't feel the same for me as before...like some how it isn't as powerful? Like our love isn't as strong or real? Like we are walking through our life because it is what we are used to. I feel like his passion for me is less, his thoughts of me are less, his love for me is less. I feel like I am this needy person just clinging to what is left of us from before. How do I get it back? How do I bring back what brought us together in the first place? How do I make what we have had all this time special again? How do I make him see that it can be done? How do I make him fall in love with me again? How do we go on from here? I feel a desperation like none I have ever felt before. I feel loss like I have never felt before. I feel pain like I have never felt before. I feel like all that was me is changed....

~Melody

The feeling when something is going to happen and you can't stop it!

I am so afraid of tomorrow. Tomorrow is his day off of work. And while I am sitting here at work, he will be all alone with her just across the street. It really scares me. I don't think he is strong enough to resist the urge to go over and check on her. Her husband made a comment to me the other night (yeah he finally called me!)...he said she is always looking for a hero. And I think that is what Donny is being to her right now...her hero. He is saving her whenever she needs saved. And I think in the same way he enjoys being her hero. I am strong so he doesn't feel like I need a hero. I don't think the affair is about sex now...it's about her being needy and him enjoying the feeling of being needed by her. I try to make him see that I need him, but for some reason he can't get past the fact that I am strong. I guess that being strong is not always the best of traits, because people take for granted that you never need anyone, that you are always strong enough to handle anything. And then when you aren't strong enough and you do need them, they don't realize it.

I have a this horrible feeling tomorrow will be a day of set backs. And I don't think there is anything I can do to avoid it. I can demand he go somewhere else for the day, but he probably won't. He thinks he is strong enough to not go over there, but he isn't. I don't want him to be mad at me for doubting his ability to stay away from her, but I think he is still to weak to handle it himself, and I will be at work. So I think he will go over there, and of course when I get home I will know. And he won't deny it. And it is likely to start a whole new fight about an old subject...him and her remaining friends. He will want to and I will say No. And thus the fighting begins.... It's a vicious circle that never ends.

I so want to go home tonight and make love to him. And show him what we have is all he needs in all aspects. But since my stupid period is never ending that can not happen. But I will do whatever I can to make him see me...and not her. To make him stronger for tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be such a hard day.....

~Melody

Latest news...

So to start where the last post ended... Friday morning (Dec. 30th) he goes over to her place while I am in the shower. After I get out of the shower he comes to take his shower. He says to me "Do me a favor?" I am thinking "Oh great now what?". He says "Tell me no again". Well I know he is talking about no to being in contact with her because that is all we discussed before we went to bed the night before. So I said "No I don't want you to talk to her, No I don't want you to see her, and No I don't want you to ever be her friend!" To which he says "Okay". I had to have this look on my face like "Where the hell did that come from!?!". He says that she told him it was a mistake to have called him to come get her Thursday morning. That she shouldn't be reaching out to him. That what they did is the reason her marriage is over. And that it is the reason his will be if he doesn't quit. They decided they shoudn't even be friends because it can't work because they have had an affair. Hmmm...guess I haven't been saying that all along?!?! So then he gets his pillows and alarm clock and moves back into our bedroom...where he still is.

New Year's eve we spent with some of our friends. We went out to eat and then back to their place to play card games. We drank enough to get a good buzz and then went to sleep in the early hours of the morning. That afternoon we (just him and I) went and saw King Kong (awesome movie I must add!). Then out to supper and back to our friends' house for more card games. Monday we stayed home and did a few things here and there that needed done. Yesterday it was back to work for both of us. We had a quiet evening last night...we both fell asleep pretty early. Right now we are getting up at 6 am to get ready for work. Then I drive him 15 minutes to our friends' house (we leave a few minutes before 7)...they then take him to work (Donny is his supervisor at work) by 8. Well after I drop him off I have to turn around and head back in the direction of our place and continue driving another 35 minutes past where we live to get to work by 8. And then I do the whole thing in reverse at 5 (well I pick him up from work which is the same distance as driving to their house). We are hoping to get a second car very soon!

Catching up...

Well it's been a week since I updated. And of course so much has happened. I am not sure that I will go into lots of details because it's late and I need to go to bed.

Saturday he told me he was sitting down with her once and for all to talk about things. And that she had to answer him honestly and to the point basically. Well she was supposed to get off work at 9pm and come talk to him. I left my BIL and didn't return until 3 am. Trying to avoid sitting here with them across the street together. Well when we got here she had yet to come home. She pulled in shortly after us. She was puking in the toilet when he walked over to talk to her. I am not sure totally what was said, but I know he was only there an hour. He came home and said come to bed. So for the first time in two weeks he slept in bed with me. And he was naked! (too bad I am on my period!). He said it was totally over with them. That he wasn't even going to see or talk to her. HOORAY! Christmas day was awesome. And so was the next three days. We laughed, talked, cuddled, and were as intimate as we could be (because of my period). Then it all comes crashing down at 4 am Thursday. She calls because she is really drunk and has lost her keys so she can't get home. So he goes in to town to get her. Which I was fine with....the first time. He returns without her. Apparently she found some guy (not the one she initially went out with) and decided she just wanted Donny to give her and this guy a ride to her car (she found her keys-her car was parked at her work place). So he comes home. And she calls barely half an hour later wanting him to come back and get her again. I said no. But he went anyways. Then he went to her place with her. I called and told him to come home. Which pissed him off. Well we fought all morning as he drove me to work (he needed the car to renew the tags on it). And I am talking a fight worse than any we have ever had. It was horrible.

Tonight we were civil. He apologized about this morning. But he is back sleeping in the spare room again. WTF??? He informed me that he is still going to be her friend whether I like it or not. He does however want to be with me and work on our marriage. But everything has to be on his terms! And that is really pissing me off. He just kills me because he says I have a right to feel the way I do, and that he would feel the same way. But he wants me to not tell him he can't be her friend, even though he understands why I feel the way I do about it. Is anyone else frustrated just reading that?? Because I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall repeatedly. He says he loves me, wants to be with me, and doesn't want to hurt me. But he can't quit being her friend for me. His logic sucks.

Well anyways that is the short version of what's up. Instead of getting more hurt by it all...I get more pissed. And then I just get the "whatever" thing going on. One morning I am going to wake up and that is going to be the last day I put up with it...

~Melody

What a roller coaster ride...

This week has been so crazy. He has been back home living since last Friday night. Monday she told me that it was over between them. That no matter what happened between her and her husband she didn't want to be with Donny. Well I told him that and he was upset. But then he said a light bulb came on and he realized she was just using him and that he shouldn't ever talk to her again. We had a very nice breakthrough in him talking to me. And he cried. The next day he said he felt so much better after talking and crying. Well he didn't see or talk to her until....after she got off work Wednesday morning (after 2 am). He went over to her place while I slept. He isn't sleeping in our bed with me, so I had no idea. Granted he told me himself about it Wednesday evening, but still he snuck around to go do it. Wednesday evening he informed me that while we have been doing better, his plans are still that we are just friends. I can't seem to get across to him that we aren't just friends, we are married. But it falls completely out of his scope of reason. Thursday we had a good day. I took the whole day off of work to go with him to some dr. appts. We had fun and laughed alot. Then Thursday night he said some horrible things to me and was a complete asshole. Then when I woke up at 12:30 to our power going on and off...I discovered his intentions to go see her again! Which he did. He was gone for almost 2 and a half hours, maybe longer. I finally called and told him he needed to get back because he had to work. Well when he got back we got in a huge fight about him still seeing her. And he told me no matter what I say that isn't changing. That what is going on with him and I is best said like this. We were a bridge and the bridge exploded and now he is standing in the water trying to decided whether to rebuild or not. Then when I got mad about something he said that I should probably just go look for another bridge! UGH! I think his analogy should be that he blew up the bridge!

I am really hurting right now because I know that he thinks she is better than me. And he is not going to put me or my feelings above hers. He no longer acts like my husband or like he loves me, even though he says he does. I have done some major thinking today. And I have come to some decisions. And this time it will be on my terms...

~Melody

So much for breakthroughs....

Well our good night Thursday has been all shot to hell. Friday night he tells me when he gets off work he wants to talk. I say is it good or bad, he says it is better than it is now. Well before he can come tell me what is up, OW (other woman) calls and tells me thanks a lot. I am thinking WTF? Apparently her and her husband had been talking and were supposed to meet Friday night as well. But he found out Donny was living with her, and shit hit the fan. And I got blamed for it. I am thinking how dare they blame me for what they have done and are doing??? So next think I know...in marches Donny with all his stuff. So he has moved back home...but only to be my friend. He tells me just because he is back living with me, doesn't mean everything is okay. I am think DUH! do I look stupid or what? And he has now made clear to me that we are living together as friends. That is it. I am not allowed to touch him as anything more than that. And I am not allowed to talk to him about the affair or what we are going to do to either work it out or not. Our marriage is on hold and we are just friends now. What the hell??? Why does he get to make all the decisions? Why do I have to suffer further for what he has done?? And most importantly why am I letting him? Well I guess it comes from some of my "good, strong qualities" that everyone loves about me...they can also be a curse. Like the one where no matter what someone does to me, if I have or do care about them...I can't be mean back. The one that makes so determined to fix everything that I don't worry about myself. And also the one where I don't like to give up easily. Add those to the fact that I love him so deeply that I don't think I can love anyone that deeply again, and you have why I am letting him be this way to me. Even though I know I don't deserve it, and I should be looking out for myself. I can't tell him to just go and let it be over. I want to work out our marriage. I don't want to wake up tomorrow without him. I just want my husband back. And I don't understand why he doesn't want the same...

I just don't recognize him anymore. He is not the person he has always been. He seems to cold and uncaring now. I told him all I want is some comfort and understanding from him. He says he understands why I am feeling how I am feeling...and I should be feeling that way. But he doesn't like it. And that he can't comfort me from this pain because he caused it. So he has an internal battle going on too. But I don't know why we can't help each other. Well I guess it is because he doesn't want my help. I have told myself to sit back and let him come to me, because that is how he is. You push and he pulls. You back off and he comes forward. But there isn't a time frame on when he will come forward. So it is hard for me to do it, even though I know it's the only way. I want my husband back, and I want him now. I want my life back, and I want it now! I want to be the selfish one. I mean they have both got to be selfish. Can't I? They got their way when they were having the affair and now they continue to be friends against my better judgment. And so when to do I get things the way I want them? I am the victim of what they did, but I am the one being punished! It is so unfair! When I told him the only way I get him to talk is to piss him off, he said I hate talking to you when I am pissed off, because I always say things I don't mean! Well at least I know he hasn't meant all the things he said when he was pissed, because some are pretty bad. Like this time he said he should just divorce me, because then I would quit saying we can't just be friends because we are husband and wife! UGH! He is absolutely impossible. Like a paper saying we are divorced can change my feelings for him!

I feel like some just reached in and tore out my heart. And now they keep reaching in to tear out more...but there is none left. I feel pain more intense than I have ever felt my entire life. Sometimes it is all I can do to take a breath and take a step. I am strong and I know eventually I can rebuild my life without him, and find someone else to be happy with. But I don't want anyone else. I just want him. I don't know how I can every feel the same for anyone as I have him. I don't know how to give so unconditionally, love so deeply, and trust so easily...with someone else. I honestly just want to curl in a ball and never wake up...or wake up and it all be a nightmare...

~Melody

Last night and today...

Last night was a huge breakthrough in my mind. But I am trying to not get too sure that it is going to mean what I think. He came over and was very sad. It made me sad to see him so sad. But in my mind I knew that he needed to be. I think he finally realized the result of the affair. He finally realized what is at stake. And I think he finally realized what being with her versus being with me meant. He said he was out looking for places to live. They had been talking (although he won't tell me exactly what about) and they must have decided it was best for him to not live with her. Well I told him to come home. There was no reason to go live some where else when he could just come home. Why stress ourselves more with the finances being harder? I can't believe that he wouldn't want to come home versus being on his own. I can tell that even though he has been with her all week, he is lonely. I think they both realized the lives they had before they did this, and they realize they had it good. That whatever they are feeling for each other, isn't as good as it was with their spouses. I am so hoping he is going to tell me he wants to come home this weekend. I am hoping so that we can work out a few things to get us through the Christmas and New Year's holidays together. I don't want to look back and remember that our tenth holiday season together was spent apart...or even unhappily. And if he comes back home and wants to work out our marriage it will be enough to make me happy through the holidays. Beyond that I realize it will be a long hard road, but I am ready to take his hand and travel it with him at my side. I am now hoping he feels the same way. I have given him no reason not to. If he reaches inside of him and remember what it was that made him fall in love with me ten years ago, and what made him marry three and a half years ago...he will see that still exists.

Today I am at peace no matter what happens. I know that I have done all I can to prove to him how much he and our marriage means to me. I have done all I can to let him know I am willing to forgive him and work things out with him. But I have also let him know I as much as I want to be with him forever...I can't wait forever for him to decide he wants to be with me forever. I know I can go on with my life without him if I have to, as painful as it is, I can. I can be with someone else and be happy. But I know I can never love anyone the same way or as deeply as I have loved him. So I am hoping he can realize that in his heart he feels the same way. Because I know him better than he knows himself, and if just lets his heart take over he will realize where he is meant to be...and that is with me, the woman he married.

~Melody

The long story I have been trying to avoid telling..

Life as I have known it for the last ten years ended last Monday, when I finally admitted to myself what I had already known for awhile. My husband was having an affair. Not only was he having an affair...he was having an affair with someone I thought was my friend. And someone whose husband was supposed to be his friend. They have destroyed so much. Her husband left her and has filed for divorce. My husband has left me (after a whole week of torture of not knowing) and is living with her...across the street from our home. We were very close friends (well at least I thought) and they lived across the street. Her husband left her and so she is still living there. And so is Donny. He decides almost a week after I confront him that it is best that we "seperate" so he can decide what to do. Well I don't see how living with her is going to help him decide. Even after what he has done to me with the affair, I was willing to work things out with him, to help to save our marriage. But at this point it feels like it isn't worth it to him. That he is just throwing us away. I have never felt so much heartbreak in my life. I have good days and bad days...and sometimes worse days. I have tons of family and friends to help me...and I am seldom alone (well except at night when I have to crawl in our huge queen size bed alone). Even though I am not alone...I feel alone. I miss him so badly.

He is so confused about things. I mean he is still wanting to see me everyday. I had to say no and not let him. He wanted to come over each night after work (he finally got switched to day supervisor the day I confronted him was his first day) with the excuse of doing things that needed done at our place. But I know it was just because she was going to be at work and he missed me. He was trying to have us both, and he can't do that. He can not have me for all the things he loves about me, and then walk out the door each night to go be with her intimately. And I totally feel like that is what it is. I can't let him break my heart each night he leaves. And he can't miss me, therefore making up his mind what to do...if he sees me everyday. I have my weak moments when I have to call him or I really have to see him. But overall I know I have to stay strong and make him realize what he is about to lose. He still says he loves me every time we talk. But apparently not enough to come home. Apparently the sex must be really good. I mean why else would he leave the woman he married, has been with for ten years, and swears he loves and says I am the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with...to be with someone who has cheated repeatedly on her husband (once during this affair with Donny), drinks, smokes, and is the total opposite of me??? It makes no sense. It's like he has a drug addiction, with her being the drug. Like nothing else matters while he is on the drug. Like he is walking around in a fog. Thinking only with his sexual organ and not his heart and mind. Because if he was thinking with those he would be back home.

I am on this roller coaster ride that I can't get off of. Some days I am okay, some days I want to die, some days I think I can't make it if he doesn't come home, some days I think I am better off if he doesn't and I go on. Some days I cry, some days I am mad, and somedays I want to kill them both, and some days I am just defeated. And the roller coaster has my stomach so upset I can't even eat and keep it down. I have lost 12 pounds already and it just started last Monday (the 12th). Not that losing it has been bad...I need to lose another 40 to be back to the weight I was when I started dating him 10 years ago. And I will. But hopefully I can do it while still eating something and not puking my guts out.

I have tons of friends and family...they are always with me and checking on me. And when they are around I feel good and like I can make it. I am very lucky for all my friends and family, and my online friends as well. The support is awesome, and no doubt I would be a lot worse off right now if it wasn't for all that. I think that is half of his problem...he won't reach out to anyone but her. Because he knows that everyone else thinks he is crazy for not coming home to me and working it out. And he doesn't want to hear that. But honestly I think if he would reach out his friends and family would be willing to hear how he is feeling and only offer advice if he asks. But he won't reach out and he won't ask for anything from anyone but her. So he is the one in the end that will truly be lonely. She will cheat on him or get bored of him...whatever it is she does...and then he will be alone, because it will most likely be too late for us. I can't wait forever. As much as I want to at this point...I know I will wake up some day and realize that I am healed and ready to go on with my life. I know it isn't healthy to just put my life on hold forever to wait for him to decide I am worth it. And one day he will, I know.

Well that is just the overview. I have had so many heartbreaking moments and conversations over the course of the last 11 days. But I can't even seperate the days to try to tell them in order so that it all makes sense. Just know that I don't wish anyone to ever have to go through this for any reason!

Now that I am over the shock of discovery, I will be able to post more on how each day is going for me. I am doing it in hopes of helping anyone that has been or may end up in my situation.

~Melody

Hooray for checkup time!

I normally don't get so excited for a dr. appointment. But tomorrow is my checkup from the D&C so I should find out if everything is normal as far as that goes. And hopefully (crossing my fingers very hard) she will say it is okay to have sex. I am dying! It has been so hard this last week and a half to not have sex. I mean I feel wonderful and I am not bleeding, so that makes it super hard to not have sex. After not getting to hardly at all in the last couple months because of the bleeding, I am frustrated! LOL. Plus how can one get pregnant when one can't have sex?? So Donny might be getting attacked when he gets home from work Thursday morning! Good thing it is Thanksgiving and I don't have to go to work! My plans are to stay in bed until about noon and then get up to shower before going to Thanksgiving dinner at 2 pm. And I don't plan on doing much sleeping! LOL. If she says I can't have sex then I will still stay in bed until noon...but only to sleep so that I don't think about the fact that I still can't have sex!

Yesterday was my nephew Adam's second birthday. It's so hard to believe that he is already two. I mean it feels like I was just in the delivery room watching him make is debut into the world...and now he is two! He is very in love with anything Elmo right now. So I got him "Check up Time Elmo". It is so cute! And I got it during the awesome sale at K-Mart over the weekend. It was a steal! And he loves it! So now I am on a mission to find him more adorable Elmo stuff for Christmas. I was thinking a bedroom set, but I think my brother and sister-in-law are going to do that. But at the price of that stuff we could probably split it.

I can't believe all the new babies on pg.org. It is so heart-warming to see the pictures of the babies born to ladies I have been corresponding with since I started there almost three years ago!

Well I best get back to work!

~Melody

The Dreaded D&C...

Well the experience wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Nor has the recovery. I was so petrified going to the hospital on Friday. I was taken into a room and had to change out of my clothes and into one of those wonderful open back gowns! Then the nurses (who were just awesome) went over things with me and took my vitals. The IV didn't really hurt at all going in and the bruise is minor from it. Then another nurse came in and said that someone has been in looking for me already. And I was thinking who in the heck would have come to the hospital looking for me before I even got there at 7 am?!?! They said your mother-in-law, or step-mom, or maybe it was your step mother-in-law? Well considering I have all three...I had no idea which one. Until they said she was in the ER with dad. Well since Donny's dad is the only sick Dad I have I figured it was him. And it was. So of course my blood pressure was high when they took it after telling me that. So Donny and my friend went down to see what was wrong. Then Donny and his step mom come to my room and tell me that he is okay. Apparently he was throwing up blood so she called the ambulance. Well after some tests they concluded he was constipated so severely it was backed up into his colon. So they were going to treat and release him. So I relaxed. The nurses then told me I didn't have to have the local anesthetic after all, that my lungs were clear so I could have the general! Hooray! I was so relieved. The nurses were wonderful before and after the procedure. I know they made the experience so much easier.

Then they took me to the surgery room. They don't even let you walk...they just wheeled me there on my bed. I was pretty nervous going in this huge white room with all the lights. And man was it cold! But shortly after getting on the surgery bed they covered me with this warm toasty heated blankets! That was awesome. The Anesthesiologist was really nice and made me feel not so scared. Before I even know it was feeling groggy and next thing I knew I was back in my room. Everything went so fast. And boy was that anesthetic good stuff. I didn't feel any pain. After they let me get dressed I found out that they had admitted my father-in-law after all, so we went down to his room to check on him. The nurses were in there asking him a lot of questions. I was just standing there listening. My step mother-in-law was sitting in one chair and the nurse in the other. Well my step MIL asks me if I want to sit down. And I said no I am fine. She asks me again and this gets the nurses attention, who then notices my hospital bracelet. So my step MIL tells her I had a D&C. She says oh yesterday (thinking I stayed over night and was just released). No this morning. So the nurses freak out and make me sit down in this recliner. Then they get me apple juice and some of those great heated blankets! But honestly I was feeling no pain. I just wanted to make sure my FIL was okay before I went home. We went out for breakfast afterwards and got home about 11:30. I slept pretty much all day. And the did nothing the rest of the weekend. I didn't even leave the house. So today is the test of how things are. And so far I am great. The only pain I had was some mild cramping over the weekend was if I sat up for too long at a time (I was working on making my Christmas cards). Reclining seemed to be the most comfortable. I was bloated but that seems to be gone and my abdomen isn't hard anymore. Now the test will be to see how my next period is. Hopefully normal...

~Melody

Well I wish this post was as happy as last one. AF only stayed away a short 4 days after last post. And then she came back full force and horrible again. So I went back to the doctor. AF has since left again. Tomorrow morning bright and early I am having a D&C in hopes that cleaning everything out will keep my next AF from being so bad. Also so they can test the lining and make sure there isn't anything abnormal. I am really nervous about the whole thing. Even more so now, because I have a cold which means they will only being doing a local anesthetic instead of a general anesthetic. I didn't want to be aware of what they were doing at all! I am trying to stay calm because if I don't then my IBS will flare up and that will be even worse! After a few weeks (and I am healed from the D&C) they will do a HSG to see if my tubes have any blockages. That's only if the D&C works and the bleeding during AF goes back to normal. If it doesn't they will do a LAP to check for endometreosis or other problems. So this is just the start of the testing and procedures. I wish they would have done them a lot sooner! It's been almost three years!

Well I best get back to work and try not to think about it so I don't make myself sick..

~Melody