When does it end?

I swear life can't just progress without something bad happening. Can't I just have a peaceful boring week, with nothing out of the ordinary happening. I strive to be boring...but it just doesn't seem to happen!

I was at my brother's yesterday when our dad's (biological) fiance calls to tell us he was rushed to the hospital. She hurriedly tells my brother some details and then he hangs up. Of course he is in shock as he is talking to her so he doesn't ask any questions. So all we know is that he is bleeding down below and is scheduled for surgery today. No idea what kind surgery, what hospital exactly, or even when today. So I am sitting here at work wondering what the hell is going on? I did get an email from her (she actually sent it at almost three am on Sunday) that at least explains what happened better and I know what hospital and room now too. They say he is bleeding from (they think) his kidneys or bladder. He is seeing a urologist. It started off as a bloody nose and then later in the day he saw blood when he went to the bathroom. She says it is really bad bleeding but that they have him on morphine so he isn't having any pain. Somehow that is supposed to be comforting I guess. He doesn't take care of himself like he should. It really bothers me because he has this "when it's my time to go it's my time to go, and there is nothing that can change that" attitude. It's like just because he doesn't care if he dies, then none of us of the rest of us should either. It hurts and I can't seem to make him understand that. I am so afraid they are going to say it's cancer. It's hard enough that my father-in-law has the brain tumor.

On the baby front (or lack of I guess) I have an ultrasound in the morning to check for follicles but I am nervous because my temp dropped way down today and that is an indication of ovulation so I could ovulate today or even tomorrow, which means we would be too late for an IUI this time. I am beginning to think maybe we aren't supposed to have IUIs and maybe it means we should either give up...or have more faith in ourselves to get pregnant.

Tonight we are getting our taxes done and I am praying for a nice return to catch some things up (including medical bills). Last year we were in shock when we ended up not getting a return! Hopefully this year will be better. But anyway that is the joys of my life at the current moment.

Here we go again...

Well AF showed up in all her glory today. :-( I knew she was coming for the last two days but it still hits hard when she finally shows up. So here we go again with the meds. I start the Clomid on Monday and have an ultrasound scheduled for February 1st at 9:30 am to check for follicles. Some days all the meds and temping and thinking about getting pregnant are just exhausting! Some days I want to give up and decide to find something else to focus my time on. But I know that one day I would just be mad at myself for giving up.

Sometimes things in life just don't make sense. Like the fact that we have this friend who found out a few months ago that he was going to be a dad (ex-girlfriend). So they decided they weren't ready to be parents and were going to give it up (I think more that she isn't ready and because she isn't, he isn't because he figures he can't do it alone). So of course Donny and I call him up and offer to adopt him (they know it's a boy). He says he would like that but she is set on using this agency. I wanted to talk to her badly but my only way to her is through him. And he doesn't have a number he can give me or a place to go see her because she doesn't have her own phone or place. He just waits for her to call him. So last night I decided to call him and let him know how badly this is bothering me. That I can't understand why they would give their baby to this agency, thus giving him to strangers, when they could give him to us. That they would always be able to see him and know how he is doing. He just keeps telling me it is her idea. So I tell him I need to talk to her to hear from her why?? And he tells me she is in labor as we speak! I want to just jump in the car and drive to the hospital to see her, but can't because Donny has our car! That and I know it would be rude since she is in labor. So I am thinking of going out tonight (assuming she has had him) and see if I can change her mind, or at least put mine at ease. It is so frustrating to have what seems like a perfect solution for all of us...and not have them see it too! It hurts to have the chance of being a mommy so close...yet so far away! Well hopefully I can at least talk to her....

Disappointment once again...

Well Wednesday I went in for the ultrasound for this cycle. I got lucky in that I got to do the ultrasound locally and not have to travel 2 hours in the crappy crappy weather. But all they found was one large follicle that was 2.5 cm and one that was only 9 mm. My doctor at the fertility clinic said that the big one was too big and the smaller one too small. I can't win! :( Plus he said my uterian lining was too thin. All in all that means no IUI this time. :( Which according to the fertility doctor is probably a good thing because he didn't think I could have made it to his clinic for the IUI because of the weather. To which Donny said to me "I would have gotten us there no matter what...even if we had to leave 6 hours before out appt!". That is my sweet husband! :) It really is disappointing to have to skip a month between the IUIs. But all we can do is hope that February heeds better results.

I never thought that getting pregnant would be this much work. I thought throw away the birth control and wham we would be pg. And here we are in our 25th month of birth control free sex...and no baby. I do good most days, but some days I feel sorry for myself and want to cry all day. I suppose that is normal. But I hate it just the same. I keep thinking that surely it has to get easier...but so far it hasn't. I do know that I am so very lucky to have Donny as my husband. He will do pretty much anything to get pregnant. We'll see what he thinks when I tell him one of my friends offered her egg and body to be a surrogate for us! LOL. I wonder how that works. I mean the fertility doctor told us that we could use a sperm donor (that was when we thought the blunt of the problem was Donny's low count and bad morphology.) but that it had to be anonymous. I wonder if we can just go pay for an IUI with Donny's sperm being inserted in my friend?? Crazy I know...but we really want to be parents. And having a child created by our genes together isn't a necessity to be a parent.

Well to throw an extra monkey wrench in my disorganized life...my home computer is having issues and refuses to load my desktop, so I can't do anything on it. Which means the only time I can put entries here is from work. And the only time I really want to do that is when noone is around (like now). So crossing my fingers that my genious co-worker can fix it for me (when he finally gets here!). I can't even work on my wedding scrapbook, which is my therapy right now! What a bummer! :(

Well guess that is about all of my complaining for now...