Feeling better now...

Well because of how I was feeling yesterday, I decided to go home and talk to him about it. It went very well. He was very understanding (as he really should be anyways) and I could tell he was very honest with me.

The first thing I discussed with him was the fact that he had said early on in one of the conversations after the affair came out, that he wasn't in love with me anymore. That he still loved me and always would, but that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. He said he was confused at that time and thought because the butterflies and newness of our relationship had faded that meant he wasn't in love with me anymore. But he now realizes that isn't true. That even though he doesn't feel those butterflies that doesn't mean we aren't in love. What makes us in love is the fact that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Like when he thinks about dying...it is me he wants by his side taking care of him. It is me he wants to have babies with...etc. He also said that he hit the jackpot with me and he knows it. He said that he can take any woman he meets or talks to and find something wrong with her. But with me he can't. He said "You are beautiful. You are so smart. You have common sense. You have a big heart. And you don't put up a front when you first meet people, when they meet you-they are really meeting you." He said he is lucky to still have me and he knows that. He said while he was living with her for those five days he found himself thinking things like this often "Mel wouldn't have said that" "Mel doesn't do it that way" "Mel would never do that" etc. So basically he did miss me while he was gone, he just had to admit that to himself...and of course to me too.

The second thing was the fact that he had also made a statement about when we got married I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but that was before he met her. He said he does know now that no matter who he meets from now on...he will never change his mind about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. I am his wife and that is how he always wants it to be. He never wants to be with anyone else. And his reasons obviously tie back with the above paragraph. He regrets the affair because of what it took from our relationship...how it has made me feel. That it can probably never be exactly the way it was before. And I think he is probably right. But I know it can be very close to the way it was before. We will regain the trust eventually. Time does truly heal all.

So I am at peace with a lot of the thoughts that were trying to consume my mind. I can admit there will be times when I get paranoid and wonder if he is doing it again...but I know that will fade with time. And since I know we have all the time we need to get there, it will be okay.

~Melody