Well our good night Thursday has been all shot to hell. Friday night he tells me when he gets off work he wants to talk. I say is it good or bad, he says it is better than it is now. Well before he can come tell me what is up, OW (other woman) calls and tells me thanks a lot. I am thinking WTF? Apparently her and her husband had been talking and were supposed to meet Friday night as well. But he found out Donny was living with her, and shit hit the fan. And I got blamed for it. I am thinking how dare they blame me for what they have done and are doing??? So next think I know...in marches Donny with all his stuff. So he has moved back home...but only to be my friend. He tells me just because he is back living with me, doesn't mean everything is okay. I am think DUH! do I look stupid or what? And he has now made clear to me that we are living together as friends. That is it. I am not allowed to touch him as anything more than that. And I am not allowed to talk to him about the affair or what we are going to do to either work it out or not. Our marriage is on hold and we are just friends now. What the hell??? Why does he get to make all the decisions? Why do I have to suffer further for what he has done?? And most importantly why am I letting him? Well I guess it comes from some of my "good, strong qualities" that everyone loves about me...they can also be a curse. Like the one where no matter what someone does to me, if I have or do care about them...I can't be mean back. The one that makes so determined to fix everything that I don't worry about myself. And also the one where I don't like to give up easily. Add those to the fact that I love him so deeply that I don't think I can love anyone that deeply again, and you have why I am letting him be this way to me. Even though I know I don't deserve it, and I should be looking out for myself. I can't tell him to just go and let it be over. I want to work out our marriage. I don't want to wake up tomorrow without him. I just want my husband back. And I don't understand why he doesn't want the same...
I just don't recognize him anymore. He is not the person he has always been. He seems to cold and uncaring now. I told him all I want is some comfort and understanding from him. He says he understands why I am feeling how I am feeling...and I should be feeling that way. But he doesn't like it. And that he can't comfort me from this pain because he caused it. So he has an internal battle going on too. But I don't know why we can't help each other. Well I guess it is because he doesn't want my help. I have told myself to sit back and let him come to me, because that is how he is. You push and he pulls. You back off and he comes forward. But there isn't a time frame on when he will come forward. So it is hard for me to do it, even though I know it's the only way. I want my husband back, and I want him now. I want my life back, and I want it now! I want to be the selfish one. I mean they have both got to be selfish. Can't I? They got their way when they were having the affair and now they continue to be friends against my better judgment. And so when to do I get things the way I want them? I am the victim of what they did, but I am the one being punished! It is so unfair! When I told him the only way I get him to talk is to piss him off, he said I hate talking to you when I am pissed off, because I always say things I don't mean! Well at least I know he hasn't meant all the things he said when he was pissed, because some are pretty bad. Like this time he said he should just divorce me, because then I would quit saying we can't just be friends because we are husband and wife! UGH! He is absolutely impossible. Like a paper saying we are divorced can change my feelings for him!
I feel like some just reached in and tore out my heart. And now they keep reaching in to tear out more...but there is none left. I feel pain more intense than I have ever felt my entire life. Sometimes it is all I can do to take a breath and take a step. I am strong and I know eventually I can rebuild my life without him, and find someone else to be happy with. But I don't want anyone else. I just want him. I don't know how I can every feel the same for anyone as I have him. I don't know how to give so unconditionally, love so deeply, and trust so easily...with someone else. I honestly just want to curl in a ball and never wake up...or wake up and it all be a nightmare...
~Melody
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5 comments:
Mel, right now all things rational are worthless to say. You know everything, but it's not about knowing. It's all about feeling and words no matter how much filled with wisdom they are make much difference. I wanted to leave a reality check comment, but I can't. I can't because I know how you feel because I've been there before too. I was once married to someone who I loved dearly...until I learned of the whole truth. What could I do? I was even willing to accept him with the OW. But I prayed and thought about it intensely...in my case, I was the OW even though I was married to him.....disturbing huh? Well, I didn't push him to leave her. She had him first and he did love her, but how would I deal with this? I loved that man..but now I realize I loved him for what I thought he was and what he could be. He was my husband..the one I lay with at night and trusted with my life. How could he do something like that to me...to him..to her...to our families...how could he? After going through everything..I can honestly tell you that it was hard and it took some time, a long time. But I am the type of person who's just not going to let someone manipulate me even if there really is love there. I don't care. I don't buy it, and I don't appreciate it. He apparently didn't love me enough to tell me the truth..and that is what matters to me. What kind of love was that???????????? So, this is all I can say to you. After everything though, I did find the most wonderful man. We've been married for 4 years, and everything that happened to me earlier and yes I was married for a long time, is just a blur. A big blur. And I think that is the way our heart heals. We over time forgive...and we forget. And, alas, we move on at some point. But I remember many days where I just wanted to die.....and now I am looking at my son, my only son, from my current husband of 4 years....and now I see all the reasons to live. I love my current husband more than I thought I could love anyone, yes more than the previous. My husband is good to me...treats me like a princess and he would rather me disappointed in something he's done than to lie. He has character, morality, and he loves me. He really loves me. I am telling you this because I did feel exactly, exactly, exactly as you. I wanted it to work. I wanted the life I had back before finding out. But, sometimes things can't be. But the good thing is that God heals the heart and helps us. Don't stay with him because you think that you can't feel that way about someone else. It will not be easy and it will take some time to get over. For me it happened very fast but there is no magical number in meeting someone new. One day you will look back and it will be a blur like my story.
Mel,
My heart is breaking for you. I don't know what to say. I haven't been in your shoes. I would love to give advice but I know you are going to do what you are going to do. just know that i am here thinking of you and praying for you
Hugs hang in there!
Love ya,Jenn!
Mel~
We all have things in our past...I too have been through an affair. You know how to reach me if you need to talk. Big hugs to you sweetie. You are in my prayers.
Collette (chobeejc)
Oh Mel I know it's not easy but do try to hang in there, things will get better. I'm always here if you need to talk. *HUGS*
Crystal (Clear Water)
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