Well because of how I was feeling yesterday, I decided to go home and talk to him about it. It went very well. He was very understanding (as he really should be anyways) and I could tell he was very honest with me.
The first thing I discussed with him was the fact that he had said early on in one of the conversations after the affair came out, that he wasn't in love with me anymore. That he still loved me and always would, but that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. He said he was confused at that time and thought because the butterflies and newness of our relationship had faded that meant he wasn't in love with me anymore. But he now realizes that isn't true. That even though he doesn't feel those butterflies that doesn't mean we aren't in love. What makes us in love is the fact that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Like when he thinks about dying...it is me he wants by his side taking care of him. It is me he wants to have babies with...etc. He also said that he hit the jackpot with me and he knows it. He said that he can take any woman he meets or talks to and find something wrong with her. But with me he can't. He said "You are beautiful. You are so smart. You have common sense. You have a big heart. And you don't put up a front when you first meet people, when they meet you-they are really meeting you." He said he is lucky to still have me and he knows that. He said while he was living with her for those five days he found himself thinking things like this often "Mel wouldn't have said that" "Mel doesn't do it that way" "Mel would never do that" etc. So basically he did miss me while he was gone, he just had to admit that to himself...and of course to me too.
The second thing was the fact that he had also made a statement about when we got married I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but that was before he met her. He said he does know now that no matter who he meets from now on...he will never change his mind about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. I am his wife and that is how he always wants it to be. He never wants to be with anyone else. And his reasons obviously tie back with the above paragraph. He regrets the affair because of what it took from our relationship...how it has made me feel. That it can probably never be exactly the way it was before. And I think he is probably right. But I know it can be very close to the way it was before. We will regain the trust eventually. Time does truly heal all.
So I am at peace with a lot of the thoughts that were trying to consume my mind. I can admit there will be times when I get paranoid and wonder if he is doing it again...but I know that will fade with time. And since I know we have all the time we need to get there, it will be okay.
~Melody
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Why can't I just let go...
Things are going good really. But for some reason I just can't let go and totally enjoy it. It's like I just keep waiting for something to go wrong. And that is not something I have ever done when it comes to our relationship. But I do now. Even though he is treating me the way he did before the affair...it's just not the same. Maybe it's because everything has lost its innocence. I am not saying I don't think he doesn't love me or anything like that. But I don't want to be naive and assume he loves me as much. Because I don't see how he can after disreguarding me to have an affair. It's just so hard to let it go. I want to...but I am afraid. I am afraid to love him as freely as before...to believe everything he says...to totally trust him...to give all I have to give. Because when I did that before he had an affair and shattered my heart. I don't want to be blindsided again. So I ask myself how does one fully recover from an affair...whether it is with the person who committed the affair or with someone new? How do you trust someone enough to believe they will never betray you like that? It's like once it happens you are waiting for it to happen again. Like before it happened you never thought twice about it...but now it's always lurking in the back of your mind. This ugly thought that once in awhile consumes you. Takes your breath away. Takes your zest for life away. And you can push it back as many times as you want...but it keeps coming back. How do you get rid of it? How do you lock it away so that you don't have to think it anymore? How do I explain this to him. How do I explain to him I am scared without seeming too needy or desperate? How do explain to him I am afraid he doesn't love me the way he did when he married me? How do I explain to him no matter how hard I try I can't stop seeing him with her? How do I explain to him that I feel like I am his second choice...that he only came back to me because she pushed him away? How do I make the "what ifs" go away? What if she hadn't pushed him away? What if I hadn't figured it out? What if he does it again? What if he realizes all the sudden he wants to be with her after all? What if I am not strong enough to let go? What if...what if...what if! Two words that I hate! I don't want to push him away...I want to be married to him. I want our relationship to recover....but how do I let go?
Monday, January 16, 2006
It was a good weekend even though we ran into her!
Friday night was pretty uneventful. Saturday day I went shopping with a friend. Got some new fish which I got an awesome deal on because it was buy one get one for a penny! So my tank went from 1 lone gold fish to now having 13 total fish! I got four fancy tail something or anothers (they look like goldfish with fancy tails LOL); four neon tetras; an upside down catfish; a placostomas (sp) (algea eater); and two Platys (one looks like he has mickey mouse on his tail...kid you not it is plain as day the face and two ears in black on it's tail!). Her and I then drove over to where Donny and I are from so I could clean the dog pens and stuff like that (at our old house-that we rent to my brother-he takes care of my dogs because I can't have them where I live now). Then her and I picked up Donny and her husband (they work together) and the four of us went and had supper. Then we went home so he could take a shower and get cleaned up.
We went to a local bar to attend a party that we were invited to there. Well that group of people all basically took off between 11 and midnight. As they were all leaving Donny ran into a guy he used to work with. He was there with four friends and we joined their group. When the bar was about to close this guy asked us to go next door to the after party (it's where you take your own alcohol and dance and party some more!) but I said no we shouldn't go because she would be there. She always goes to it, and I didn't want to run into her. Because I knew if her and Donny had anything to do with each other it would be bad because at that point I was drunk. Well this guy told me not to worry about it because Donny told him about the affair and he would keep Donny with his group and we would be okay. So against my better judgement (which was impaired by the alcohol) I went. She was there of course. But the funny thing is I talked to her...Donny didn't, not one word the whole time. I don't know why I talked to her. I suppose it was because I was drunk, but when I looked at her sitting there it made me really said and I realized how much I miss her. I hate what she did to me having the affair with Donny, but I do miss her. And because I was drunk I couldn't control my emotions at all. I remember why I don't like drinking. I want to hate her so bad, but I can't. I do still want her out of our lives though. Because I know as long as she is across the street and probably even still in the area...I will always wonder if they are seeing each other again. Okay not always...but at least for a long while. I sat the next day thinking about how I had talked to her and what I had said and I felt pretty stupid. I mean I don't want her to know I miss her, because I don't want to miss her. I want her to know what she did to me. I want her to know it was wrong. So I hate that I talked to her. But I am so happy that he didn't say a word to her. He told me he didn't have the urge to talk to her. HOORAY!
Sometime during the night at the bar the bleeding stopped!! WOOHOO! So we had drunk sex sometime after we got home. I cried during it and after. Not really sure why...I just had tears streaming down my face. I suppose part of it was pent up from not having had sex since Thanksgiving, part of it because I knew he had sex with her from then until a few weeks ago, and part of it because of the alcohol. Last night we made love and it was wonderful. I am so glad we can once again have that part of our relationship. Yesterday he also made a comment that I didn't realize what it really meant until later. I can't remember exactly what I was talking about but it was something about having wanted to do something regularly but couldn't....and he said "well you don't have to worry about it now because I am back". I think that was him telling me he knows without a doubt he wants to be with me. I think that is the first solid step forward, especially when you add it to him not talking to her the night before. I know there may be set backs (I still worry about him talking to her on Thursdays) but I am feeling like in all we are heading forward...and it's a wonderful feeling!
~Melody
We went to a local bar to attend a party that we were invited to there. Well that group of people all basically took off between 11 and midnight. As they were all leaving Donny ran into a guy he used to work with. He was there with four friends and we joined their group. When the bar was about to close this guy asked us to go next door to the after party (it's where you take your own alcohol and dance and party some more!) but I said no we shouldn't go because she would be there. She always goes to it, and I didn't want to run into her. Because I knew if her and Donny had anything to do with each other it would be bad because at that point I was drunk. Well this guy told me not to worry about it because Donny told him about the affair and he would keep Donny with his group and we would be okay. So against my better judgement (which was impaired by the alcohol) I went. She was there of course. But the funny thing is I talked to her...Donny didn't, not one word the whole time. I don't know why I talked to her. I suppose it was because I was drunk, but when I looked at her sitting there it made me really said and I realized how much I miss her. I hate what she did to me having the affair with Donny, but I do miss her. And because I was drunk I couldn't control my emotions at all. I remember why I don't like drinking. I want to hate her so bad, but I can't. I do still want her out of our lives though. Because I know as long as she is across the street and probably even still in the area...I will always wonder if they are seeing each other again. Okay not always...but at least for a long while. I sat the next day thinking about how I had talked to her and what I had said and I felt pretty stupid. I mean I don't want her to know I miss her, because I don't want to miss her. I want her to know what she did to me. I want her to know it was wrong. So I hate that I talked to her. But I am so happy that he didn't say a word to her. He told me he didn't have the urge to talk to her. HOORAY!
Sometime during the night at the bar the bleeding stopped!! WOOHOO! So we had drunk sex sometime after we got home. I cried during it and after. Not really sure why...I just had tears streaming down my face. I suppose part of it was pent up from not having had sex since Thanksgiving, part of it because I knew he had sex with her from then until a few weeks ago, and part of it because of the alcohol. Last night we made love and it was wonderful. I am so glad we can once again have that part of our relationship. Yesterday he also made a comment that I didn't realize what it really meant until later. I can't remember exactly what I was talking about but it was something about having wanted to do something regularly but couldn't....and he said "well you don't have to worry about it now because I am back". I think that was him telling me he knows without a doubt he wants to be with me. I think that is the first solid step forward, especially when you add it to him not talking to her the night before. I know there may be set backs (I still worry about him talking to her on Thursdays) but I am feeling like in all we are heading forward...and it's a wonderful feeling!
~Melody
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
So tired today...
I am sure it is because of the fact that I am still bleeding! Yeah 22 days and counting. I called the dr. today and left a message to see if I needed to start taking provera. Because I figure I can't start the BCP until I stop bleeding, and I will need the provera to do that. Stupid body! And yes I said birth control pill. As much as I hate the thought of taking it....what other choice do I have. I don't want to continue having periods where I bleed for three plus weeks. I mean I can't have sex (which in itself sucks) and since I can't have sex, I am obviously not ever going to get pregnant anyways! So I figure I might as well try the BCP to get the bleeding under control so I can at least have a healthy sex life with my husband! Once we have that back, getting pregnant will be a bonus!
He is being so great about things now. I mean he is totally opening up to me and helping to say and do things to put my mind at ease. He even said tonight his plan is to go to bed with me (he is hoping I can manage to stay up a bit later than normal-so I might want to nap when I get home LOL) so that he can sleep in tomorrow morning. By going to bed with me he won't be up when she comes home after work, thus eliminating him going over then. But I am concerned about after he wakes up and I am at work. He said he is going to try his hardest to not go see her. I told him to get on the net and stay on the net researching stuff all day, or play his video games. Anything to keep him busy. He admitted it is her being across the street that keeps him from being able to not see her at all. It is too much to know that she is just sitting over there while he his home alone and bored. So I am going to try to think of something to keep his interest on the net...something he can research that he will find interesting enough to keep his mind off of her! I am seriously thinking of installing yahoo messenger on my work pc so I can chat with him off and on while I work. In hopes of keeping his mind on me...thus helping to keep him from going to see her! I think I will ask my boss if it is okay! At most she will say no. Good thing Thursday and Sundays are his days off...because since I have Sundays off work...we only have to work so hard to get through Thursdays!
I think most of his need to see her now comes down to the fact that it was just his routine before. That and being at her place helps remind him of the good times we used to have with her and her husband. And we did, before the affair, the four of us had a lot of fun together. I miss that I really do. But there is no going back now. Her and him ruined that when they chose to have an affair. I wish people thought more when they have an affair...but I guess if they did then they wouldn't have the affair, huh? I mean even if they would have, after the first time of having sex, realized how horribly wrong it was, and never did it again...we could have healed and gotten past it a lot easier. It is the fact that they kept doing it over and over...that makes it so bad!
Well I best get back to work...although I could really use a long nap!!
~Melody
He is being so great about things now. I mean he is totally opening up to me and helping to say and do things to put my mind at ease. He even said tonight his plan is to go to bed with me (he is hoping I can manage to stay up a bit later than normal-so I might want to nap when I get home LOL) so that he can sleep in tomorrow morning. By going to bed with me he won't be up when she comes home after work, thus eliminating him going over then. But I am concerned about after he wakes up and I am at work. He said he is going to try his hardest to not go see her. I told him to get on the net and stay on the net researching stuff all day, or play his video games. Anything to keep him busy. He admitted it is her being across the street that keeps him from being able to not see her at all. It is too much to know that she is just sitting over there while he his home alone and bored. So I am going to try to think of something to keep his interest on the net...something he can research that he will find interesting enough to keep his mind off of her! I am seriously thinking of installing yahoo messenger on my work pc so I can chat with him off and on while I work. In hopes of keeping his mind on me...thus helping to keep him from going to see her! I think I will ask my boss if it is okay! At most she will say no. Good thing Thursday and Sundays are his days off...because since I have Sundays off work...we only have to work so hard to get through Thursdays!
I think most of his need to see her now comes down to the fact that it was just his routine before. That and being at her place helps remind him of the good times we used to have with her and her husband. And we did, before the affair, the four of us had a lot of fun together. I miss that I really do. But there is no going back now. Her and him ruined that when they chose to have an affair. I wish people thought more when they have an affair...but I guess if they did then they wouldn't have the affair, huh? I mean even if they would have, after the first time of having sex, realized how horribly wrong it was, and never did it again...we could have healed and gotten past it a lot easier. It is the fact that they kept doing it over and over...that makes it so bad!
Well I best get back to work...although I could really use a long nap!!
~Melody
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Feeling better most days...
I can honestly say I do feel better about things. I don't dread going home anymore...thinking what can we fight about tonight? I am anxious to get home now...I can't wait til 5 pm knowing I can see him. It's the feeling I used to get only better because before I knew it was just a few minutes in passing as I came home and he left for work, now it's knowing I get to spend the whole evening with him! I know as time passes we will not spend the whole evening together...that I will feel okay with leaving and going out with a friend shopping or whatever. But for now I just want to spend time with him...doesn't have to just be him...we can do stuff with friends or just be out in public. Or I can work on my scrapbooking while he watches tv...as long as we are both in the house somewhere I am happy.
He doesn't get mad when I talk about her or the affair. There are still unanswered questions I want to know. But for now I am dealing with what I know. Now we are concentrating on ourselves. Like I am working on losing weight and he is helping me with that (he swears he needs to lose too). We are working on communicating better with each other no matter what it is about. I always thought we did communicate well, but apparently it wasn't well enough. There are so many things about him I didn't know he was feeling and vice versa. I don't know if that happens because you start to assume your partner just knows those things after this long, like you took for granted they did. But no more of that. We are opening our mouths. Like the other night he commented that even though I put on weight I still have great legs. He noticed that while we were at Walmart. So I was estatic thinking "Wow! My husband was checking me out!" And so I was sure to tell him the next day how good that made me feel, instead of just assuming he knew how it made me feel. I think it's the simple things like that that help you fall back in love with each other, it takes you back to the beginning when everything was new and innocent. Unlike how I felt after I realized about the affair...I suddenly felt like the innocence was gone replaced with something dirty and cold. I mean that is what we are doing really...starting over, so we can have the trust back in our relationship.
Sometimes I still get this sudden fear that I am trusting him too much too soon. I get this fear that he will relapse because I let him by trusting him so quickly. I know it's probably crazy but I swear it is in my nightmares....that I catch him having sex with her again. And it's always her...never anyone else. I honestly trust him around women in general...just not around her. Which is why I hate that he still goes and sees her. I know he says there is nothing going on sexually...and I believe him, but when they are alone together it makes me have the images in my head of the two of them having sex. And that makes me sick, so very sick. But if I don't trust him some...what kind of relationship will we have. Not to mention it will just drive me crazy always wondering. I wonder enough stuff as it is. I wonder if he loves me as much now as before the affair. I wonder if when he looks at me he ever thinks of her. I wonder if sexually I will still be good enough for him (since we haven't had sex yet because of my stupid period). I wonder if he still likes the way I kiss. I wonder if he likes the way I touch him more than the way she touched him. I wonder if he stayed with me just because she wasn't over her husband yet. I wonder if she were to call and say come be my guy for good...if he would. I wonder if down the road he will wake up and think "I shouldn't have stayed". That and other things. So that occupies my time and hasn't so far given me too much time to wonder if they are still having sex. I mean the only time they could be is when he goes over there early Thursday mornings or during the day Thursday. And I think he would act differently if it was happening. But it does bother me lots that I can't have sex with him right now. I feel like that makes him need it from her. I am rambling now... But my mind goes in a million directions all the time now. Sometimes I need an off switch...and sleeping doesn't work. Well I best go for now...this is long enough.
~Melody
He doesn't get mad when I talk about her or the affair. There are still unanswered questions I want to know. But for now I am dealing with what I know. Now we are concentrating on ourselves. Like I am working on losing weight and he is helping me with that (he swears he needs to lose too). We are working on communicating better with each other no matter what it is about. I always thought we did communicate well, but apparently it wasn't well enough. There are so many things about him I didn't know he was feeling and vice versa. I don't know if that happens because you start to assume your partner just knows those things after this long, like you took for granted they did. But no more of that. We are opening our mouths. Like the other night he commented that even though I put on weight I still have great legs. He noticed that while we were at Walmart. So I was estatic thinking "Wow! My husband was checking me out!" And so I was sure to tell him the next day how good that made me feel, instead of just assuming he knew how it made me feel. I think it's the simple things like that that help you fall back in love with each other, it takes you back to the beginning when everything was new and innocent. Unlike how I felt after I realized about the affair...I suddenly felt like the innocence was gone replaced with something dirty and cold. I mean that is what we are doing really...starting over, so we can have the trust back in our relationship.
Sometimes I still get this sudden fear that I am trusting him too much too soon. I get this fear that he will relapse because I let him by trusting him so quickly. I know it's probably crazy but I swear it is in my nightmares....that I catch him having sex with her again. And it's always her...never anyone else. I honestly trust him around women in general...just not around her. Which is why I hate that he still goes and sees her. I know he says there is nothing going on sexually...and I believe him, but when they are alone together it makes me have the images in my head of the two of them having sex. And that makes me sick, so very sick. But if I don't trust him some...what kind of relationship will we have. Not to mention it will just drive me crazy always wondering. I wonder enough stuff as it is. I wonder if he loves me as much now as before the affair. I wonder if when he looks at me he ever thinks of her. I wonder if sexually I will still be good enough for him (since we haven't had sex yet because of my stupid period). I wonder if he still likes the way I kiss. I wonder if he likes the way I touch him more than the way she touched him. I wonder if he stayed with me just because she wasn't over her husband yet. I wonder if she were to call and say come be my guy for good...if he would. I wonder if down the road he will wake up and think "I shouldn't have stayed". That and other things. So that occupies my time and hasn't so far given me too much time to wonder if they are still having sex. I mean the only time they could be is when he goes over there early Thursday mornings or during the day Thursday. And I think he would act differently if it was happening. But it does bother me lots that I can't have sex with him right now. I feel like that makes him need it from her. I am rambling now... But my mind goes in a million directions all the time now. Sometimes I need an off switch...and sleeping doesn't work. Well I best go for now...this is long enough.
~Melody
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Just feeling kind of blah...
Today was a beautiful day weatherwise. So I got up the energy to completely clean out my car. Scrubbed the whole inside down...even vacuumed it. But that pretty much wiped me out for the day. I haven't done anything since. Between all that is going on and the fact that I am still bleeding...it doesn't take much to exhaust me.
The roller coaster ride with Donny has evened out a lot and isn't so bad. He is pretty much leveled out on what he thinks and feels and treats me like he used. He shows love and kindness...no more anger and meanness. But the roller coaster of emotions and thoughts in my own head is full speed ahead. I can't seem to get control on it. I don't really fear he will up and leave me or he any longer. But I still wish he would quit seeing her totally. I know I need to be firm and tell him he has to. But what does that accomplish. I mean I know the affair is over and he is not going to leave me for her, and he isn't trying to be with both of us in an intimate way. I know he has decided I am more important as far as being my husband and only being her friend. I know that he shouldn't still be her friend, but I am hoping that by backing off and letting him see her one day a week...he will let go of her on his own. With him the more you push the more stubborn he becomes. If I thought he was still being intimate with her then I would be pushing lots more because what would I have to lose? But if he is just being her friend then it isn't so bad.
Some days I can get through the day without thinking of the two of them together intimately. But then somedays, like today, it consumes my thoughts. I wonder things I wished I didn't. Because I really don't want to know but I keep getting these pictures of them together that way, and I don't know how to get them out of my head! I hate it! The images of the two of them naked having sex make me want to throw up. The images of him looking at her the way he looks when we make love kill me. I wish I could block them out, but I don't know how. I suppose over time they will fade away. But I wish they were gone now. Maybe if the bleeding would stop I could replace them with images of him and I. But until we can make love again I have nothing to replace them with. It has been since Thanksgiving that he and I made love. It is driving me crazy that we can't. I just wish the bleeding would stop! And I don't want to have to go on birth control pills to make it stop. But that's a whole other debate going on in my head.
Well I am going to have to go pick him up from work soon, so I best clear my head and try to think happier thoughts!
~Melody
The roller coaster ride with Donny has evened out a lot and isn't so bad. He is pretty much leveled out on what he thinks and feels and treats me like he used. He shows love and kindness...no more anger and meanness. But the roller coaster of emotions and thoughts in my own head is full speed ahead. I can't seem to get control on it. I don't really fear he will up and leave me or he any longer. But I still wish he would quit seeing her totally. I know I need to be firm and tell him he has to. But what does that accomplish. I mean I know the affair is over and he is not going to leave me for her, and he isn't trying to be with both of us in an intimate way. I know he has decided I am more important as far as being my husband and only being her friend. I know that he shouldn't still be her friend, but I am hoping that by backing off and letting him see her one day a week...he will let go of her on his own. With him the more you push the more stubborn he becomes. If I thought he was still being intimate with her then I would be pushing lots more because what would I have to lose? But if he is just being her friend then it isn't so bad.
Some days I can get through the day without thinking of the two of them together intimately. But then somedays, like today, it consumes my thoughts. I wonder things I wished I didn't. Because I really don't want to know but I keep getting these pictures of them together that way, and I don't know how to get them out of my head! I hate it! The images of the two of them naked having sex make me want to throw up. The images of him looking at her the way he looks when we make love kill me. I wish I could block them out, but I don't know how. I suppose over time they will fade away. But I wish they were gone now. Maybe if the bleeding would stop I could replace them with images of him and I. But until we can make love again I have nothing to replace them with. It has been since Thanksgiving that he and I made love. It is driving me crazy that we can't. I just wish the bleeding would stop! And I don't want to have to go on birth control pills to make it stop. But that's a whole other debate going on in my head.
Well I am going to have to go pick him up from work soon, so I best clear my head and try to think happier thoughts!
~Melody
Thursday, January 05, 2006
How much more can I really take?
So I come home tonight to find out he went back over there after I left. And I realize he doesn't have to tell me this...but it still makes me upset that he did it. Apparently she really really made him mad with her lies. And he wanted to hit her so bad...that he hit the poor guy that she has been messing around with lately. Luckily this guy must have understood enough of what was going on that he didn't freak out back. He just tried to talk him done and then got him away from her to calm him down. In all of the ten years that we have been together he has never gotten that mad. She does this to him, she changes him. And I am having a hard time convincing him of that. Well he says he sees it and he doesn't like it, but he isn't changing it by staying away from her. She is like this drug to guys...because he is not the only one she has affected like this.
We talked a lot tonight about it. And he sees she has a alcohol problem. And that she could be a better person if she went and got help. So we decided that she really needs to go to rehab. He asked me if I would go with him to approach her about getting help. I said yes. Because while I hate what they have done....I don't want her life to be any worse than it is. I think if she would get help she could be a better person. But honestly I don't think it will do any good. I think she will be mad at us for it. He said he was going to tell her if she didn't go he couldn't be her friend anymore. He asked me if he was being selfish in make that demand...and I was thinking ummm...NO! She is doing nothing but changing you and bringing you down (not to mention about destroying your chances with your wife) because of her drinking...so of course it is your right to not be her friend anymore if she continues on her destructive path.
So we went and talked to this guy she is seeing about helping us convince her she could do better for herself if she gets some help with her alcohol problem. Well he works with her. After awhile of us talking to him she comes around the corner and says "You guys are really pissing me off!". Too bad. Of course it was pissing her off. She has been using both Donny and this guy. Saying things to Donny about this guy and I am sure things to this guy about Donny. Making herself seem like the innocent one. And now that they are talking...well they are going to figure that out! Figure out that she is lying to both of them. But none the less Donny seemed really upset about it on the way home. He went straight to bed. Which I know he was tired...but I could tell it was mostly because it upset him. I hope he realizes how important it is that he does stop being her friend. For himself, for me, and for our marriage. She really is on a path of destruction. And it is one thing if she wants to destroy herself and her life...but if she thinks I will continue to let her destroy him and me...along with her she is crazy. I am so mad at her right now! She is only thinking of herself as usual. And I am so tired of it! She always tells everyone what they want to hear...even if it means lying. I don't think she knows the truth from a lie anymore. But let me tell you...if I go with him to talk to her about rehab...we will all see her true colors...she won't just say what she thinks I want to hear...because I will push her until she tells the truth. Because in her eyes she has nothing to lose by pissing me off. But she doesn't realize she has a lot to lose...
~Melody
We talked a lot tonight about it. And he sees she has a alcohol problem. And that she could be a better person if she went and got help. So we decided that she really needs to go to rehab. He asked me if I would go with him to approach her about getting help. I said yes. Because while I hate what they have done....I don't want her life to be any worse than it is. I think if she would get help she could be a better person. But honestly I don't think it will do any good. I think she will be mad at us for it. He said he was going to tell her if she didn't go he couldn't be her friend anymore. He asked me if he was being selfish in make that demand...and I was thinking ummm...NO! She is doing nothing but changing you and bringing you down (not to mention about destroying your chances with your wife) because of her drinking...so of course it is your right to not be her friend anymore if she continues on her destructive path.
So we went and talked to this guy she is seeing about helping us convince her she could do better for herself if she gets some help with her alcohol problem. Well he works with her. After awhile of us talking to him she comes around the corner and says "You guys are really pissing me off!". Too bad. Of course it was pissing her off. She has been using both Donny and this guy. Saying things to Donny about this guy and I am sure things to this guy about Donny. Making herself seem like the innocent one. And now that they are talking...well they are going to figure that out! Figure out that she is lying to both of them. But none the less Donny seemed really upset about it on the way home. He went straight to bed. Which I know he was tired...but I could tell it was mostly because it upset him. I hope he realizes how important it is that he does stop being her friend. For himself, for me, and for our marriage. She really is on a path of destruction. And it is one thing if she wants to destroy herself and her life...but if she thinks I will continue to let her destroy him and me...along with her she is crazy. I am so mad at her right now! She is only thinking of herself as usual. And I am so tired of it! She always tells everyone what they want to hear...even if it means lying. I don't think she knows the truth from a lie anymore. But let me tell you...if I go with him to talk to her about rehab...we will all see her true colors...she won't just say what she thinks I want to hear...because I will push her until she tells the truth. Because in her eyes she has nothing to lose by pissing me off. But she doesn't realize she has a lot to lose...
~Melody
Well Not Worrying about Today...
He took the pressure off of me worrying about him going to see her while I am at work today. Because he went and saw her at 3:30 am when she got home from partying. He didn't try to sneak over there or even sneak back. I fully knew he went. I looked outside after he left and saw that her new "toy" (that is what she thinks guys are, I swear) was there too. So I didn't waste my energy going over there or even calling to have him come home. I was like wtf-ever and went back to sleep. I mean I know he wasn't doing anything with her this time, I mean her newest toy there that wasn't going to happen, at least not without there being a fight. So I decided to let it go for now. This morning I just told him I was unhappy that he went over there. That how could I believe him when he told me things now? That he told me he didn't need to talk to or see her, but yet he went over there. Then he said he was pissed that I removed her number from the phone, address book, and his wallet. Well I told him he had no right to be pissed because he told me he wasn't going to talk to her anymore, so why did he need her numbers? Well that was the end of that conversation! His reasoning for it being okay for him to go over there this morning was because she was having a party so he wasn't alone with her. Well ummm...no that doesn't make it okay! I asked him what he would do when he went over there sometime and it was just her, and whether she was sober or drunk she wanted to have sex with him? He said he would turn her down. I said are you sure you can do that? He said he could. But I think he may find himself unsure once placed in that situation, so I say it's best to not put yourself in that situation to find out...which is why he can't go see her! But of course he can't get that! And since I was heading out to work I didn't want to fight about it. Then he gave me one of those kisses that melt me and make me want to head to the bedroom and get naked...IYKWIM. And I left wanting to hate my body for responding to it!
I honestly have no doubt that he loves me. And even that he wants to be with me forever (because wanting and doing are two different things). But I just can't let go of the fact that he still has to have some contact with her, it bothers me, makes me feel like he could decided to go back to her at anytime...for whatever reason he had the affair in the first place. I know he is making steps towards recovering what we once had....but I don't feel like we can completely do that until she is totally out of the picture. So what do I do?? I know I can stay strong and stand my ground that he has to not see or talk to her at all! But at what cost? Do I chance killing what progress we made? Do I compromise somehow? I know everyone is telling me it is either my way or I should make him leave, but honestly I am just not ready to let go. I wish I was...but I am not. I know some day I am going to wake up (if he continues seeing her) and decide enough is enough that I am not going to take it anymore. And at that point it is my way or he goes. But right now I am not ready to do that. Does that make me weak? Does that make me stupid? No I think it makes me human.
On other notes...I am on my sixteenth day of AF and while it has slowed in the last few days...it doesn't appear to be stopping. The dr. said one more week and then I have to do something to make it stop or I will be making myself too weak from the blood loss. That I have to either take the progesterone or go back on BCP. Neither I want to do...I think all the hormones makes me even more messed up. But I can't keep bleeding forever either. I hate my body! It's like instead of shutting the gate to build up the blood for another cycle...the gate is stuck open so the blood just keeps coming out instead of building back up for another AF visit! It sucks! I have however managed to lose 16 pounds (as of a couple days ago) and that feels wonderful. If AF ever leaves I have plans of running with him and doing some exercise routines with a friend. I am hoping to keep losing and get to be a few pounds less than when we started dating. No matter what happens that will show him what he has to lose or has lost! LOL.
~Melody
I honestly have no doubt that he loves me. And even that he wants to be with me forever (because wanting and doing are two different things). But I just can't let go of the fact that he still has to have some contact with her, it bothers me, makes me feel like he could decided to go back to her at anytime...for whatever reason he had the affair in the first place. I know he is making steps towards recovering what we once had....but I don't feel like we can completely do that until she is totally out of the picture. So what do I do?? I know I can stay strong and stand my ground that he has to not see or talk to her at all! But at what cost? Do I chance killing what progress we made? Do I compromise somehow? I know everyone is telling me it is either my way or I should make him leave, but honestly I am just not ready to let go. I wish I was...but I am not. I know some day I am going to wake up (if he continues seeing her) and decide enough is enough that I am not going to take it anymore. And at that point it is my way or he goes. But right now I am not ready to do that. Does that make me weak? Does that make me stupid? No I think it makes me human.
On other notes...I am on my sixteenth day of AF and while it has slowed in the last few days...it doesn't appear to be stopping. The dr. said one more week and then I have to do something to make it stop or I will be making myself too weak from the blood loss. That I have to either take the progesterone or go back on BCP. Neither I want to do...I think all the hormones makes me even more messed up. But I can't keep bleeding forever either. I hate my body! It's like instead of shutting the gate to build up the blood for another cycle...the gate is stuck open so the blood just keeps coming out instead of building back up for another AF visit! It sucks! I have however managed to lose 16 pounds (as of a couple days ago) and that feels wonderful. If AF ever leaves I have plans of running with him and doing some exercise routines with a friend. I am hoping to keep losing and get to be a few pounds less than when we started dating. No matter what happens that will show him what he has to lose or has lost! LOL.
~Melody
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Just can't concentrate today...
I am at work but hardly getting any work done. I just can't seem to concentrate. I mean it's been a problem through this whole ordeal...but it seems far worse today. I don't know why...but my mind is in a million more directions today than normal. I just want to sit down and cry. I just want my life back. I just want her to go away...far far away. I want my husband back...I want our love back...our want our marriage back...I want our future back. I just feel like it is all gone now. I feel like everything that I thought my life was...isn't real anymore. I feel like the life I was living suddenly isn't mine anymore, that it was replaced with this life I am living now. The one full of uncertainty, full of hurt, full of anger, full of loss. And I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do. I am feeling so lost right now. I love him so much that I can't let go no matter how hard I try. He is with me and he says it is what he wants...but why do I feel like it's different now. That he doesn't feel the same for me as before...like some how it isn't as powerful? Like our love isn't as strong or real? Like we are walking through our life because it is what we are used to. I feel like his passion for me is less, his thoughts of me are less, his love for me is less. I feel like I am this needy person just clinging to what is left of us from before. How do I get it back? How do I bring back what brought us together in the first place? How do I make what we have had all this time special again? How do I make him see that it can be done? How do I make him fall in love with me again? How do we go on from here? I feel a desperation like none I have ever felt before. I feel loss like I have never felt before. I feel pain like I have never felt before. I feel like all that was me is changed....
~Melody
~Melody
The feeling when something is going to happen and you can't stop it!
I am so afraid of tomorrow. Tomorrow is his day off of work. And while I am sitting here at work, he will be all alone with her just across the street. It really scares me. I don't think he is strong enough to resist the urge to go over and check on her. Her husband made a comment to me the other night (yeah he finally called me!)...he said she is always looking for a hero. And I think that is what Donny is being to her right now...her hero. He is saving her whenever she needs saved. And I think in the same way he enjoys being her hero. I am strong so he doesn't feel like I need a hero. I don't think the affair is about sex now...it's about her being needy and him enjoying the feeling of being needed by her. I try to make him see that I need him, but for some reason he can't get past the fact that I am strong. I guess that being strong is not always the best of traits, because people take for granted that you never need anyone, that you are always strong enough to handle anything. And then when you aren't strong enough and you do need them, they don't realize it.
I have a this horrible feeling tomorrow will be a day of set backs. And I don't think there is anything I can do to avoid it. I can demand he go somewhere else for the day, but he probably won't. He thinks he is strong enough to not go over there, but he isn't. I don't want him to be mad at me for doubting his ability to stay away from her, but I think he is still to weak to handle it himself, and I will be at work. So I think he will go over there, and of course when I get home I will know. And he won't deny it. And it is likely to start a whole new fight about an old subject...him and her remaining friends. He will want to and I will say No. And thus the fighting begins.... It's a vicious circle that never ends.
I so want to go home tonight and make love to him. And show him what we have is all he needs in all aspects. But since my stupid period is never ending that can not happen. But I will do whatever I can to make him see me...and not her. To make him stronger for tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be such a hard day.....
~Melody
I have a this horrible feeling tomorrow will be a day of set backs. And I don't think there is anything I can do to avoid it. I can demand he go somewhere else for the day, but he probably won't. He thinks he is strong enough to not go over there, but he isn't. I don't want him to be mad at me for doubting his ability to stay away from her, but I think he is still to weak to handle it himself, and I will be at work. So I think he will go over there, and of course when I get home I will know. And he won't deny it. And it is likely to start a whole new fight about an old subject...him and her remaining friends. He will want to and I will say No. And thus the fighting begins.... It's a vicious circle that never ends.
I so want to go home tonight and make love to him. And show him what we have is all he needs in all aspects. But since my stupid period is never ending that can not happen. But I will do whatever I can to make him see me...and not her. To make him stronger for tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be such a hard day.....
~Melody
Latest news...
So to start where the last post ended... Friday morning (Dec. 30th) he goes over to her place while I am in the shower. After I get out of the shower he comes to take his shower. He says to me "Do me a favor?" I am thinking "Oh great now what?". He says "Tell me no again". Well I know he is talking about no to being in contact with her because that is all we discussed before we went to bed the night before. So I said "No I don't want you to talk to her, No I don't want you to see her, and No I don't want you to ever be her friend!" To which he says "Okay". I had to have this look on my face like "Where the hell did that come from!?!". He says that she told him it was a mistake to have called him to come get her Thursday morning. That she shouldn't be reaching out to him. That what they did is the reason her marriage is over. And that it is the reason his will be if he doesn't quit. They decided they shoudn't even be friends because it can't work because they have had an affair. Hmmm...guess I haven't been saying that all along?!?! So then he gets his pillows and alarm clock and moves back into our bedroom...where he still is.
New Year's eve we spent with some of our friends. We went out to eat and then back to their place to play card games. We drank enough to get a good buzz and then went to sleep in the early hours of the morning. That afternoon we (just him and I) went and saw King Kong (awesome movie I must add!). Then out to supper and back to our friends' house for more card games. Monday we stayed home and did a few things here and there that needed done. Yesterday it was back to work for both of us. We had a quiet evening last night...we both fell asleep pretty early. Right now we are getting up at 6 am to get ready for work. Then I drive him 15 minutes to our friends' house (we leave a few minutes before 7)...they then take him to work (Donny is his supervisor at work) by 8. Well after I drop him off I have to turn around and head back in the direction of our place and continue driving another 35 minutes past where we live to get to work by 8. And then I do the whole thing in reverse at 5 (well I pick him up from work which is the same distance as driving to their house). We are hoping to get a second car very soon!
New Year's eve we spent with some of our friends. We went out to eat and then back to their place to play card games. We drank enough to get a good buzz and then went to sleep in the early hours of the morning. That afternoon we (just him and I) went and saw King Kong (awesome movie I must add!). Then out to supper and back to our friends' house for more card games. Monday we stayed home and did a few things here and there that needed done. Yesterday it was back to work for both of us. We had a quiet evening last night...we both fell asleep pretty early. Right now we are getting up at 6 am to get ready for work. Then I drive him 15 minutes to our friends' house (we leave a few minutes before 7)...they then take him to work (Donny is his supervisor at work) by 8. Well after I drop him off I have to turn around and head back in the direction of our place and continue driving another 35 minutes past where we live to get to work by 8. And then I do the whole thing in reverse at 5 (well I pick him up from work which is the same distance as driving to their house). We are hoping to get a second car very soon!
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