Just feeling kind of blah...

Today was a beautiful day weatherwise. So I got up the energy to completely clean out my car. Scrubbed the whole inside down...even vacuumed it. But that pretty much wiped me out for the day. I haven't done anything since. Between all that is going on and the fact that I am still bleeding...it doesn't take much to exhaust me.

The roller coaster ride with Donny has evened out a lot and isn't so bad. He is pretty much leveled out on what he thinks and feels and treats me like he used. He shows love and kindness...no more anger and meanness. But the roller coaster of emotions and thoughts in my own head is full speed ahead. I can't seem to get control on it. I don't really fear he will up and leave me or he any longer. But I still wish he would quit seeing her totally. I know I need to be firm and tell him he has to. But what does that accomplish. I mean I know the affair is over and he is not going to leave me for her, and he isn't trying to be with both of us in an intimate way. I know he has decided I am more important as far as being my husband and only being her friend. I know that he shouldn't still be her friend, but I am hoping that by backing off and letting him see her one day a week...he will let go of her on his own. With him the more you push the more stubborn he becomes. If I thought he was still being intimate with her then I would be pushing lots more because what would I have to lose? But if he is just being her friend then it isn't so bad.

Some days I can get through the day without thinking of the two of them together intimately. But then somedays, like today, it consumes my thoughts. I wonder things I wished I didn't. Because I really don't want to know but I keep getting these pictures of them together that way, and I don't know how to get them out of my head! I hate it! The images of the two of them naked having sex make me want to throw up. The images of him looking at her the way he looks when we make love kill me. I wish I could block them out, but I don't know how. I suppose over time they will fade away. But I wish they were gone now. Maybe if the bleeding would stop I could replace them with images of him and I. But until we can make love again I have nothing to replace them with. It has been since Thanksgiving that he and I made love. It is driving me crazy that we can't. I just wish the bleeding would stop! And I don't want to have to go on birth control pills to make it stop. But that's a whole other debate going on in my head.

Well I am going to have to go pick him up from work soon, so I best clear my head and try to think happier thoughts!

~Melody