A Beautiful Day...

Okay so the title doesn't really have too much to do with the actual blog for the day...but it is really a beautiful day outside. And of course by the time Saturday gets here it will be not so beautiful outside again. The beautiful days are always when I am stuck inside! At least I have huge windows around me too look out while I work.

I have been feeling better lately. I am realizing that I can remind myself about the affair to stay focused on the fact that he did make a mistake and that I need to keep in mind there is always the chance he could do it again, and that while I have to be cautious of that fact...I don't have to let it ruin the happy times we are having. I know that the middle ground has to be where I stay grounded. That yes, he had an affair and it hurt like hell but now he is with me and he is being my husband again. I can believe him when he says he won't ever do it again, while still realizing that I have to protect myself emotionally in case it does happen again. It's like this juggling act that one has to learn to balance. And I am getting better at it!

I still haven't started my period. And I have now moved on to looking my hardest for signs that would indicate I am pregnant and not just suffering from a body that doesn't know what it is doing. I will put myself out of my misery this weekend and take a HPT. I hate spending money on them to just see one line staring back at me...shoot I would hate to see the one single line staring back at me if I got the test for free! But there are certain things in my lifestyle that tell me that I need to know for sure I am not pregnant. Like the fact that I usually take green tea pills to help with my diet and hunger (which I have not been taking in case) and the fact that I am a social drinker (which I too have been avoiding for the last three weeks). I have been letting my mind wonder towards the fact that I could be pregnant...and how things would be. I can see in my mind the moment I see two lines on the HPT and the moment I tell him. I can see everything. And it's probably a bad thing. I am going to get my self all excited and happy only to be disappointed. I mean that is what has happened everytime my period is late...for almost three and a half years now. You would think that a person would get used to it after that long...but you never do.

Onto a happier note...I have been working on a scrapbook for a friend's little baby boy...who was born a couple weeks ago and is hopefully out of the hospital today!! He was born a bit preemie...he weighed over five pounds but his lungs needed some help at first. I have been buying stuff off of Ebay to make his book and I am so excited to be getting the last of the stuff I bought-hopefully by this weekend. My plan is to work on it Saturday. I really need to get it done and to them...since they no doubt already have a bunch of pictures they are ready to put in it!!! Plus I need to get it done so I can get back to my wedding book!!

So what do you think about my new blog set-up? I have been having fun with graphics lately on the message boards so I thought I would try to figure out how to use HTML to liven up my blog. I am pretty proud of it so far....

~Melody

Time flies by...

Wow! I can't believe how much time has gone by since I blogged last! Life has been moving along without any major bumps. I am happy to report that she has not been staying at her place for about 6 weeks now. It has been awesome not seeing her. But I did keep holding my breath as I turned the corner whenever I came home, thinking one day her car would be there. But the really great news is that she has been moving stuff out for the last week or so. I haven't seen her but I can see truck tire tracks up to the door. Two nights ago the guy she has been seeing (and now staying with) since Donny came back home, showed up and met the Rent-A-Center guys so they could get the refrigerator out. So now I really feel like she is going to be gone for good shortly. It's such a wonderful feeling to know I can go home and not have to worry about seeing her across the street. It's probably a good thing for her as well...because lately I have been feeling some major anger towards her. Many would say finally, and I would have to agree. Now I just want to tell her what a horrible friend she is...what a horrible wife she was...and how she deserves to be alone. I want to make her feel the pain she made me feel, although I wonder if she is even capable of feeling pain. Her divorce is final...lucky for him! Now he can move on and be happy. I have talked to him once and awhile...mostly on text messages...he already seems a million times happier!

I am having one problem these days. Things have been going wonderful with us. I mean he is totally open about everything and is treating me like he did before the affair. But for some reason I keep making myself think about the affair. I think it is because I feel like I am moving on too quickly. Like I am letting life go back to the way it was before the affair without dealing with the affair. Oh, it's so hard to explain. I mean we have discussed why the affair happened, how wrong it was, how to keep it from happening again etc. But I feel like we have just erased that period of time and then removed it from our life...pasting our life before the affair together with life now...so it is like it never happened. I feel good about us...but I wondered if it is wrong to let life go on so easily. I don't know if I want to keep remembering it so that I don't forget he is capable of hurting me and being so deceitful or if it is because I want him to keep remembering how he hurt me and make him continuely realize how lucky he is that I didn't leave him. Either way I am sure it's not healthy. I truely believe we have saved our marriage. But now I just have to figure out how to file the affair in our life experiences and let it go enough to feel good without letting go so much that it happens again. There has to be a middle to how to move on from it without acting like it never happened.

Moving on...I could be feeling so crazy and hormonal because my body is so messed up. I mean it has been like 94 days or something like that since I actually started a new cycle...so this cycle has drug on for over 3 months. I had the D&C in November and then about six weeks later I started bleeding, which would be the start of a new cycle...well I bled for like 18 days and then stopped for 5 days and then bled for another 25 and haven't since then. It's crazy. This whole week I keep think I am going to start my period...but it hasn't. It started with some light spotting and then I had cramps with it. Well the cramps have came and went several times...but no more spotting for two days. It's so weird. I just wish it would start! I know that we haven't been actively trying to get pregnant since the affair...but it is still a disappointment to have to think about the fact that I can't get pregnant. I mean we haven't used anything to stop it from happening. It's hurts to think it has been three years and three months of using nothing to prevent pregnancy and we haven't ever gotten pregnant. I sit here today thinking two completely opposite thoughts. The first being I hope I don't start bleeding because maybe I am pregnant...and the other being come on just start bleeding so I can start a new cycle and so I know I am not pregnant, so I can quit wondering. I hate not knowing for sure. I mean I am fairly certain the likelihood I am pregnant is almost zero. But there is still this thread of hope I am hanging on to. It's about to drive me crazy....

Well I really should get back to work for now....

~Melody