The long story I have been trying to avoid telling..

Life as I have known it for the last ten years ended last Monday, when I finally admitted to myself what I had already known for awhile. My husband was having an affair. Not only was he having an affair...he was having an affair with someone I thought was my friend. And someone whose husband was supposed to be his friend. They have destroyed so much. Her husband left her and has filed for divorce. My husband has left me (after a whole week of torture of not knowing) and is living with her...across the street from our home. We were very close friends (well at least I thought) and they lived across the street. Her husband left her and so she is still living there. And so is Donny. He decides almost a week after I confront him that it is best that we "seperate" so he can decide what to do. Well I don't see how living with her is going to help him decide. Even after what he has done to me with the affair, I was willing to work things out with him, to help to save our marriage. But at this point it feels like it isn't worth it to him. That he is just throwing us away. I have never felt so much heartbreak in my life. I have good days and bad days...and sometimes worse days. I have tons of family and friends to help me...and I am seldom alone (well except at night when I have to crawl in our huge queen size bed alone). Even though I am not alone...I feel alone. I miss him so badly.

He is so confused about things. I mean he is still wanting to see me everyday. I had to say no and not let him. He wanted to come over each night after work (he finally got switched to day supervisor the day I confronted him was his first day) with the excuse of doing things that needed done at our place. But I know it was just because she was going to be at work and he missed me. He was trying to have us both, and he can't do that. He can not have me for all the things he loves about me, and then walk out the door each night to go be with her intimately. And I totally feel like that is what it is. I can't let him break my heart each night he leaves. And he can't miss me, therefore making up his mind what to do...if he sees me everyday. I have my weak moments when I have to call him or I really have to see him. But overall I know I have to stay strong and make him realize what he is about to lose. He still says he loves me every time we talk. But apparently not enough to come home. Apparently the sex must be really good. I mean why else would he leave the woman he married, has been with for ten years, and swears he loves and says I am the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with...to be with someone who has cheated repeatedly on her husband (once during this affair with Donny), drinks, smokes, and is the total opposite of me??? It makes no sense. It's like he has a drug addiction, with her being the drug. Like nothing else matters while he is on the drug. Like he is walking around in a fog. Thinking only with his sexual organ and not his heart and mind. Because if he was thinking with those he would be back home.

I am on this roller coaster ride that I can't get off of. Some days I am okay, some days I want to die, some days I think I can't make it if he doesn't come home, some days I think I am better off if he doesn't and I go on. Some days I cry, some days I am mad, and somedays I want to kill them both, and some days I am just defeated. And the roller coaster has my stomach so upset I can't even eat and keep it down. I have lost 12 pounds already and it just started last Monday (the 12th). Not that losing it has been bad...I need to lose another 40 to be back to the weight I was when I started dating him 10 years ago. And I will. But hopefully I can do it while still eating something and not puking my guts out.

I have tons of friends and family...they are always with me and checking on me. And when they are around I feel good and like I can make it. I am very lucky for all my friends and family, and my online friends as well. The support is awesome, and no doubt I would be a lot worse off right now if it wasn't for all that. I think that is half of his problem...he won't reach out to anyone but her. Because he knows that everyone else thinks he is crazy for not coming home to me and working it out. And he doesn't want to hear that. But honestly I think if he would reach out his friends and family would be willing to hear how he is feeling and only offer advice if he asks. But he won't reach out and he won't ask for anything from anyone but her. So he is the one in the end that will truly be lonely. She will cheat on him or get bored of him...whatever it is she does...and then he will be alone, because it will most likely be too late for us. I can't wait forever. As much as I want to at this point...I know I will wake up some day and realize that I am healed and ready to go on with my life. I know it isn't healthy to just put my life on hold forever to wait for him to decide I am worth it. And one day he will, I know.

Well that is just the overview. I have had so many heartbreaking moments and conversations over the course of the last 11 days. But I can't even seperate the days to try to tell them in order so that it all makes sense. Just know that I don't wish anyone to ever have to go through this for any reason!

Now that I am over the shock of discovery, I will be able to post more on how each day is going for me. I am doing it in hopes of helping anyone that has been or may end up in my situation.

~Melody