Why?

Why is that even though we are doing so good...I can't keep from being completely happy. Take Valentine's Day...he takes me out for supper. As we are waiting for our supper we are talking. I mentioned that it has now been over two months since D-Day (discovery day...when I confronted him about the affair). He says to me once again how sorry he is...how much he loves me...and how he always wants to be with me. But instead of just enjoying hearing him say that...I hear myself saying "Well you always said that before too...but then you decided you wanted to be with her and you left me for a week." To which he replies "But I came back to you". Yeah he did but I had to quickly point out that it was because she kicked him out. And of course I know that wasn't necessary to say because I know that there was a time shortly after that-that he could have went back to her, she would have let him. And truthfully he could probably leave me at any time for her if he wanted. I mean her husband is never coming back. And she is very needy right now...so I am sure she would be estatic if he wanted to move back with her. But he stays with me, taking care of me, loving me. And he did really piss her off last Thursday (not yesterday). Yes, he has still been going to see her on Thursdays. Anyways...she was sitting there feeling sorry for herself...saying how depressing her life is...that her husband is gone, her dog is gone, she has no money, her house is a pigsty, her Christmas tree is still up, she has no friends...etc. And he looked at her and said "I can come over here and be your friend...talk to you about how losing your husband has affected you. But I can't come over here and talk to you about the other things...because all I want to do is kick you in the ass and tell you to do something about them...I will not baby you about them. You choose to not get another job to have more money, you choose to sleep your day away and drink your night away, you choose to not clean your house, you choose to not take your tree down." So she got mad and told him to get the fuck out. He says he is never going over there again. That he doesn't even want to be her friend. All I said was "If you say so. We will see". Well he didn't go over there yesterday. We are going out tomorrow night and will no doubt run in to her at some point...so we will see how that goes.

I know that things are going good...but I am still having troubles with the fact that he had the affair in the first place. And I know I have to work through that...or it will never fully be okay again. I just wish I knew how to keep images of the two of them together out of my mind. Or keep the thoughts that there is a chance he could meet someone else in the future that would cause him to do it to me again. I just want to let it all go and go back to being happy and secure...

~Melody

Feelings that sneak up on you...

It's weird how feelings can just sneak up on you. Just when you think you have a grip on things...wham...something knocks the wind out of you. Take today for instance. I decided to use my latest toy (yes, finally I have a cell phone) to get in touch with her Husband. I texted him a simple message..."Just wanted to say hi. I miss U." Which started a chain of messages back and forth throughout the afternoon...and then one this evening. I know he has a new g/f (the divorce will be final soon and since she has cheated on him multiple times-who can blame him) and her name is Melanie. Which has caused a bit of confusion on his part when it comes to text messages. When I first texted him today he thought I was her...and I could tell. I quickly let him know it was me! My last message to him on my way home from work was "I am glad u are happy. U deserve it! But I do miss u." To which he replies this evening..."I know u do, I miss u too. And thanx for being happy for me." I found myself feeling very sad. And a little later I found myself crying. Crying for one of the sweetest guys I have ever met...crying for the friendship that we once had. Yeah we can still be friends...but it can't be the same now. When we are together we will always remember what was taken from us by our spouses. I will always know the pain my husband caused him. He thought my husband was his best friend...and so did I. Sometimes I wonder if I can even look him in the eyes. I don't know if I can stand to see the pain I know I will see...the pain we will reflect in each other's eyes. I just want to see him...to run to him...to hold him and cry with him. Only he can truly feel my pain in this situation. The four of us were this unit before the affair. Always together in some way. Not a day went by that we didn't all talk at least a few minutes. Now all that is left is what Donny and I have put back together. Which is going wonderful. Each day we grow stronger. I live for the day that I don't have to look outside and know that she is across the street, I live for the day that we can go the entire day without a thought of her. We talk a lot and talk through a lot. I feel secure with our relationship...but I still find those thoughts sneaking in my mind...thoughts of doubt. I am usually quick to put them at rest...and if I can't do it alone...I go talk to him about them and we put them to rest alone. I really can't wait until they don't sneak in my head anymore.

Donny went over there on Thursday. He pissed her off and swears he is never going over there again. But he has said that before, so honestly I can't believe him this time. I guess she was going on about how depressing her life is. About her Christmas tree still being up, her house being a mess, not having any money etc. And he told her he wasn't going to baby her about those things. That it is her choice for things to be that way. That she is the one that hasn't taken down her tree, she is the one that doesn't clean her house, she is the one that would rather sleep and drink all day and night instead of getting another job to have more money...etc. So she got pissed and told him to get the fuck out. So he swears he is done being her friend and is never going over there again...wait he promised. But honestly I don't believe him. That is probably wrong...but he has said it before. So I am not going to celebrate so soon. Oh and she actually told him that she didn't think it was fair that he didn't lose anything over the affair and she lost everything. WTF? She said he still has his wife and his happy marriage...plus he got a new truck. How does she figure he didn't lose anything? I guess she conveniently forgot about the fights she witnessed between he and I during the first couple of weeks after the affair came out. I guess she thinks I am more forgiving than I am...because he has lost plenty. He lost my trust...he lost respect from me, from our families, from our friends, shoot even from some of his co-workers. I am sure he even lost respect for himself. The difference between him and her is how they handled it after it was out. He tried to put things back together...to show me that he wanted to save our marriage. She continued to show her husband that she wasn't going to change. I really think he would have given her another chance had she straightened her shit up right away. But instead she had Donny come live with her...and then when he came home, she continued drinking every night and having guys over all the time. So he saw she wasn't going to change...and thus ended things for good.

He wants to go out Wednesday night with a buddy from work...without me. Not because he doesn't want me around...but because I have to work Thursday morning and they don't so they don't want to have to go home early because of me. I am not sure I am ready for him to go out to a bar without me. I am not sure I trust him enough...not so much because it is a bar and he is without me...but because I know she goes out to the bars everynight...and I won't be there to keep her away from him. And I will sit here at home just imagining the worst. And I don't know how to stop that. I thought about telling him he can go out til midnight or something like that. A compromise so to speak. Because I know I won't be able to sleep until he is home...so midnight won't kill me. I don't want him to think I don't trust him...but truthfully I am not ready to trust him that much. YKWIM? UGH...this is so hard....

Well it's almost 10:30 and I need to get our lunches made yet...so best end for now. Hopefully I can put these thoughts of her husband (my friend I miss so much), her (someone I thought was my friend), and everything out of my head so I can sleep. Well I hear Donny snoring...so best go wake him up LOL. night night...

~Melody

The nerve of her....

So this last weekend (2/4) was an interesting one. I found my anger coming back out. I have been pretty good through it all. I mean I haven't been nasty to her...I think mean hateful things about her...and even say them to my friends, but I have not actually said anything mean to her. Nor have I treated her badly. But I made very clear we could never be friends again. I mean that is a no brainer anyways. How would one be friends again with the person who had an affair with their husband?? (when you see her or she in bold...that is me refering to the one he had an affair with in the nicest way I can...I know many other words I would like to use to refer to her)

Well anyway...an old friend of mine is back in the area and came to stay at our place. So we (her, I, and Donny) decided to go out Saturday night. We went to basically the most popular bar. And we knew at some point she would end up there, she goes there about every night. Well my friend was happy about that because she wanted to see her. We were having a good time and Donny was talking to guys from work and stuff. Well he headed to the bathroom and was gone awhile. No big deal really I was just wondering where he was...my friend points out where he is and he is at a table talking to a woman and a guy (who have their backs to me). I didn't think much of it and went back to the conversation we were having. Then suddenly someone has their arm around me...and it is her. She says "Hi Mel." I was like "Hi" (thinking what the fuck does she want). Then she says "Well I just wanted to say hi" and walks away. It is then I discover that is who Donny was talking to. No big deal because her guy friend (who she swears is only a friend) was with her, and Donny and I both like him. My friend wanted to know who she was and I told her that is the one. Well her and her guy friend make their way to a table next to ours and he says he is getting the rest of our drinks. Well who am I to turn down free drinks? Well actually I pretty much did...because one of us had to drive home. So I just sipped a couple beers and had a couple other drinks through out the whole time (we were there for 4 hours total).

What turned out to be pretty funny about the whole thing was that her guy friend was totally taken with my friend. I mean he almost totally ignored her and was all over my friend, who let him just because she knew it was bothering her. And she wanted to make her suffer in any way she could. I couldn't believe how into my friend he was...he didn't even pay attention to the guys that were hanging all over her. Normally he is very protective of her...not letting any guys touch her. But not that night. At one point I was talking to my friend and I noticed that Donny was talking to some guys from work. Well all the sudden she is there hanging herself on him. He didn't appear to really notice her, he was talking to the guys. But I was like no freaking way...so I grabbed the back of his shirt and jerked him clear away from her. I looked at him and said "Basically any freaking woman in this entire bar can touch you or hang on you...but her!! He said okay...I am sorry it won't happen again. He didn't even look at her or anything, he just walked around the otherside from where he was standing...and she still was...and went back to talking to the guys from work. You could tell it really pissed her off that he didn't try to defend her or tell me I was wrong. So here she was...being ignored by Donny and her guy friend. So miss drama queen...miss center of attention...decides to make a huge scene by pretending she is passing out. Her guy friend was too drunk and couldn't hold her up...so he asked for our help. Well as much as I didn't want to touch her or help her...I didn't want him to get hurt...and I certainly didn't want Donny touching her to help. So both I and my friend tried to get her to let us help her out of the bar (we were on the second floor and it was now closing time). Well even though she was supposed to basically be passed out...she wouldn't let anyone touch her or help her but her guy friend or Donny. Well she made her guy friend fall and hit his face on the edge of the pool table...because he was too drunk to hold his weight and hers. So Donny jumped in to help. Then a couple bouncers did. They said they would carry her down the stairs and out to the car. She wouldn't let go of Donny. She had her arms around his neck and her hands clenched together. So he ended up helping her down the stairs. I was so pissed. I was yelling at him to let go of her and he wouldn't....well a lot because she wouldn't let go of him. I know every that was behind us trying to get down the stairs thought I was crazy. I was yelling and trying to pry her hands off of him. But ya know...seeing her arms around his neck and his hands on her (it was her bare skin because her skimpy little shirt got pushed up in the process of everyone trying to keep her upright) just made me see them naked together having sex...and I went crazy. It wasn't until the next day when we woke up that he understood why it was wrong and why I reacted the way I did. If he hadn't been drunk I am sure he would have understood the moment it was happening. It's a good thing we don't go out often and get drunk. I just can't believe that she thought she could act like we all used to before the affair. Just because I haven't kicked her ass (and let me tell you...had she went back over hanging on him again after my statement earlier in the night when she did the first time...I would have kicked her ass!) didn't mean I wanted to be her friend. Seeing her touch him in any way (and vice versa) makes me sick!

More good news from the weekend includes her soon to be ex husband (my dear friend) is talking to me now because I have my own cell phone and he doesn't have to worry about Donny answering it when he calls. He is doing much much better. He seems to now have grip on his anger about things and so I think it is okay to talk to him occassionally. He also came and got their dog the other night...which is a very good thing or it would probably end up dead soon because she never remembers to feed or water it. And she is never home either, well except to sleep!

~Melody

Updating finally...

So once again I have gotten very behind in posting. Mostly because I haven't been feeling that well. I had a wisdom tooth taken out two Thursdays ago...and it really hurt! It was a bottom one and it was only partially through the skin (just in the front part), so they had to cut it and then pulled out. I can finally open my mouth all the way again! LOL. I had the stitches taken out last Thursday. My jaw was very very sore all week.

I am have once again been bleeding very badly. It is very heavy and doesn't seem to want to let up. I have been taking birth control for three weeks but it just seems to have gotten worse in that time. I went for more blood tests to check my thyroid yesterday. If nothing is wrong there I am not sure what they are going to try next. They wanted me to go on the Depo birth control shot and I said no. I think pumping all these combinations of hormones in me may be what got me where I am now. All the meds and stuff I was taken trying to get pregnant may have caused this, so I don't want more. Well I am sure it is some hormone that I need...but all this "here try this and here try this" stuff is likely making it worse. I think they need to try to pinpoint more what hormone I do need...and just give me it! But that's just me...

We are still doing very good. He didn't talk to her for almost two weeks! WOOHOO! I really wish he didn't talk to her at all...but he does occasionally still. I don't worry about him being with her sexually any longer...but I really don't want him to talk to her at all. It brings back bad memories for me when I know they have been together at all. It makes pictures of them together pop back into my head...and they are so hard to get out. I guess two weekends ago she had to see her soon to be ex-husband with another woman at the bar. I heard it was a bad scene. But ya know...I don't feel sorry for her. She wasn't thinking about him when she was having sex with my husband...so now that they are getting a divorce how can she think he is going to not be with anyone else?? Honestly it would have served her right if he had said he want to work on things with her...and then went screwing around on her. Ooops that slipped out...I shouldn't think evil things like that. I just wish he hadn't ever had an affair. It's so hard to get out of my head. I guess that is why so many couples divorce after an affair. But divorce is definitely not something I want to do! I love him with all my heart and I believe he loves me too. He was somewhat confused...and very selfish when he had the affair. And now he has his head on straight and is planning his future with me....and no one else. If I could have selective amnesia I would wipe out all memories of the affair. I can't stand something setting off the memories of how it...because then I can see the two of them having sex and it is something that takes a long time to get back out of my head. I never actually saw them...but I can so see it so clearly in my mind. How does one make that scene go away and never come back?

~Melody