Catching up...

Well it's been a week since I updated. And of course so much has happened. I am not sure that I will go into lots of details because it's late and I need to go to bed.

Saturday he told me he was sitting down with her once and for all to talk about things. And that she had to answer him honestly and to the point basically. Well she was supposed to get off work at 9pm and come talk to him. I left my BIL and didn't return until 3 am. Trying to avoid sitting here with them across the street together. Well when we got here she had yet to come home. She pulled in shortly after us. She was puking in the toilet when he walked over to talk to her. I am not sure totally what was said, but I know he was only there an hour. He came home and said come to bed. So for the first time in two weeks he slept in bed with me. And he was naked! (too bad I am on my period!). He said it was totally over with them. That he wasn't even going to see or talk to her. HOORAY! Christmas day was awesome. And so was the next three days. We laughed, talked, cuddled, and were as intimate as we could be (because of my period). Then it all comes crashing down at 4 am Thursday. She calls because she is really drunk and has lost her keys so she can't get home. So he goes in to town to get her. Which I was fine with....the first time. He returns without her. Apparently she found some guy (not the one she initially went out with) and decided she just wanted Donny to give her and this guy a ride to her car (she found her keys-her car was parked at her work place). So he comes home. And she calls barely half an hour later wanting him to come back and get her again. I said no. But he went anyways. Then he went to her place with her. I called and told him to come home. Which pissed him off. Well we fought all morning as he drove me to work (he needed the car to renew the tags on it). And I am talking a fight worse than any we have ever had. It was horrible.

Tonight we were civil. He apologized about this morning. But he is back sleeping in the spare room again. WTF??? He informed me that he is still going to be her friend whether I like it or not. He does however want to be with me and work on our marriage. But everything has to be on his terms! And that is really pissing me off. He just kills me because he says I have a right to feel the way I do, and that he would feel the same way. But he wants me to not tell him he can't be her friend, even though he understands why I feel the way I do about it. Is anyone else frustrated just reading that?? Because I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall repeatedly. He says he loves me, wants to be with me, and doesn't want to hurt me. But he can't quit being her friend for me. His logic sucks.

Well anyways that is the short version of what's up. Instead of getting more hurt by it all...I get more pissed. And then I just get the "whatever" thing going on. One morning I am going to wake up and that is going to be the last day I put up with it...

~Melody

What a roller coaster ride...

This week has been so crazy. He has been back home living since last Friday night. Monday she told me that it was over between them. That no matter what happened between her and her husband she didn't want to be with Donny. Well I told him that and he was upset. But then he said a light bulb came on and he realized she was just using him and that he shouldn't ever talk to her again. We had a very nice breakthrough in him talking to me. And he cried. The next day he said he felt so much better after talking and crying. Well he didn't see or talk to her until....after she got off work Wednesday morning (after 2 am). He went over to her place while I slept. He isn't sleeping in our bed with me, so I had no idea. Granted he told me himself about it Wednesday evening, but still he snuck around to go do it. Wednesday evening he informed me that while we have been doing better, his plans are still that we are just friends. I can't seem to get across to him that we aren't just friends, we are married. But it falls completely out of his scope of reason. Thursday we had a good day. I took the whole day off of work to go with him to some dr. appts. We had fun and laughed alot. Then Thursday night he said some horrible things to me and was a complete asshole. Then when I woke up at 12:30 to our power going on and off...I discovered his intentions to go see her again! Which he did. He was gone for almost 2 and a half hours, maybe longer. I finally called and told him he needed to get back because he had to work. Well when he got back we got in a huge fight about him still seeing her. And he told me no matter what I say that isn't changing. That what is going on with him and I is best said like this. We were a bridge and the bridge exploded and now he is standing in the water trying to decided whether to rebuild or not. Then when I got mad about something he said that I should probably just go look for another bridge! UGH! I think his analogy should be that he blew up the bridge!

I am really hurting right now because I know that he thinks she is better than me. And he is not going to put me or my feelings above hers. He no longer acts like my husband or like he loves me, even though he says he does. I have done some major thinking today. And I have come to some decisions. And this time it will be on my terms...

~Melody

So much for breakthroughs....

Well our good night Thursday has been all shot to hell. Friday night he tells me when he gets off work he wants to talk. I say is it good or bad, he says it is better than it is now. Well before he can come tell me what is up, OW (other woman) calls and tells me thanks a lot. I am thinking WTF? Apparently her and her husband had been talking and were supposed to meet Friday night as well. But he found out Donny was living with her, and shit hit the fan. And I got blamed for it. I am thinking how dare they blame me for what they have done and are doing??? So next think I know...in marches Donny with all his stuff. So he has moved back home...but only to be my friend. He tells me just because he is back living with me, doesn't mean everything is okay. I am think DUH! do I look stupid or what? And he has now made clear to me that we are living together as friends. That is it. I am not allowed to touch him as anything more than that. And I am not allowed to talk to him about the affair or what we are going to do to either work it out or not. Our marriage is on hold and we are just friends now. What the hell??? Why does he get to make all the decisions? Why do I have to suffer further for what he has done?? And most importantly why am I letting him? Well I guess it comes from some of my "good, strong qualities" that everyone loves about me...they can also be a curse. Like the one where no matter what someone does to me, if I have or do care about them...I can't be mean back. The one that makes so determined to fix everything that I don't worry about myself. And also the one where I don't like to give up easily. Add those to the fact that I love him so deeply that I don't think I can love anyone that deeply again, and you have why I am letting him be this way to me. Even though I know I don't deserve it, and I should be looking out for myself. I can't tell him to just go and let it be over. I want to work out our marriage. I don't want to wake up tomorrow without him. I just want my husband back. And I don't understand why he doesn't want the same...

I just don't recognize him anymore. He is not the person he has always been. He seems to cold and uncaring now. I told him all I want is some comfort and understanding from him. He says he understands why I am feeling how I am feeling...and I should be feeling that way. But he doesn't like it. And that he can't comfort me from this pain because he caused it. So he has an internal battle going on too. But I don't know why we can't help each other. Well I guess it is because he doesn't want my help. I have told myself to sit back and let him come to me, because that is how he is. You push and he pulls. You back off and he comes forward. But there isn't a time frame on when he will come forward. So it is hard for me to do it, even though I know it's the only way. I want my husband back, and I want him now. I want my life back, and I want it now! I want to be the selfish one. I mean they have both got to be selfish. Can't I? They got their way when they were having the affair and now they continue to be friends against my better judgment. And so when to do I get things the way I want them? I am the victim of what they did, but I am the one being punished! It is so unfair! When I told him the only way I get him to talk is to piss him off, he said I hate talking to you when I am pissed off, because I always say things I don't mean! Well at least I know he hasn't meant all the things he said when he was pissed, because some are pretty bad. Like this time he said he should just divorce me, because then I would quit saying we can't just be friends because we are husband and wife! UGH! He is absolutely impossible. Like a paper saying we are divorced can change my feelings for him!

I feel like some just reached in and tore out my heart. And now they keep reaching in to tear out more...but there is none left. I feel pain more intense than I have ever felt my entire life. Sometimes it is all I can do to take a breath and take a step. I am strong and I know eventually I can rebuild my life without him, and find someone else to be happy with. But I don't want anyone else. I just want him. I don't know how I can every feel the same for anyone as I have him. I don't know how to give so unconditionally, love so deeply, and trust so easily...with someone else. I honestly just want to curl in a ball and never wake up...or wake up and it all be a nightmare...

~Melody

Last night and today...

Last night was a huge breakthrough in my mind. But I am trying to not get too sure that it is going to mean what I think. He came over and was very sad. It made me sad to see him so sad. But in my mind I knew that he needed to be. I think he finally realized the result of the affair. He finally realized what is at stake. And I think he finally realized what being with her versus being with me meant. He said he was out looking for places to live. They had been talking (although he won't tell me exactly what about) and they must have decided it was best for him to not live with her. Well I told him to come home. There was no reason to go live some where else when he could just come home. Why stress ourselves more with the finances being harder? I can't believe that he wouldn't want to come home versus being on his own. I can tell that even though he has been with her all week, he is lonely. I think they both realized the lives they had before they did this, and they realize they had it good. That whatever they are feeling for each other, isn't as good as it was with their spouses. I am so hoping he is going to tell me he wants to come home this weekend. I am hoping so that we can work out a few things to get us through the Christmas and New Year's holidays together. I don't want to look back and remember that our tenth holiday season together was spent apart...or even unhappily. And if he comes back home and wants to work out our marriage it will be enough to make me happy through the holidays. Beyond that I realize it will be a long hard road, but I am ready to take his hand and travel it with him at my side. I am now hoping he feels the same way. I have given him no reason not to. If he reaches inside of him and remember what it was that made him fall in love with me ten years ago, and what made him marry three and a half years ago...he will see that still exists.

Today I am at peace no matter what happens. I know that I have done all I can to prove to him how much he and our marriage means to me. I have done all I can to let him know I am willing to forgive him and work things out with him. But I have also let him know I as much as I want to be with him forever...I can't wait forever for him to decide he wants to be with me forever. I know I can go on with my life without him if I have to, as painful as it is, I can. I can be with someone else and be happy. But I know I can never love anyone the same way or as deeply as I have loved him. So I am hoping he can realize that in his heart he feels the same way. Because I know him better than he knows himself, and if just lets his heart take over he will realize where he is meant to be...and that is with me, the woman he married.

~Melody

The long story I have been trying to avoid telling..

Life as I have known it for the last ten years ended last Monday, when I finally admitted to myself what I had already known for awhile. My husband was having an affair. Not only was he having an affair...he was having an affair with someone I thought was my friend. And someone whose husband was supposed to be his friend. They have destroyed so much. Her husband left her and has filed for divorce. My husband has left me (after a whole week of torture of not knowing) and is living with her...across the street from our home. We were very close friends (well at least I thought) and they lived across the street. Her husband left her and so she is still living there. And so is Donny. He decides almost a week after I confront him that it is best that we "seperate" so he can decide what to do. Well I don't see how living with her is going to help him decide. Even after what he has done to me with the affair, I was willing to work things out with him, to help to save our marriage. But at this point it feels like it isn't worth it to him. That he is just throwing us away. I have never felt so much heartbreak in my life. I have good days and bad days...and sometimes worse days. I have tons of family and friends to help me...and I am seldom alone (well except at night when I have to crawl in our huge queen size bed alone). Even though I am not alone...I feel alone. I miss him so badly.

He is so confused about things. I mean he is still wanting to see me everyday. I had to say no and not let him. He wanted to come over each night after work (he finally got switched to day supervisor the day I confronted him was his first day) with the excuse of doing things that needed done at our place. But I know it was just because she was going to be at work and he missed me. He was trying to have us both, and he can't do that. He can not have me for all the things he loves about me, and then walk out the door each night to go be with her intimately. And I totally feel like that is what it is. I can't let him break my heart each night he leaves. And he can't miss me, therefore making up his mind what to do...if he sees me everyday. I have my weak moments when I have to call him or I really have to see him. But overall I know I have to stay strong and make him realize what he is about to lose. He still says he loves me every time we talk. But apparently not enough to come home. Apparently the sex must be really good. I mean why else would he leave the woman he married, has been with for ten years, and swears he loves and says I am the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with...to be with someone who has cheated repeatedly on her husband (once during this affair with Donny), drinks, smokes, and is the total opposite of me??? It makes no sense. It's like he has a drug addiction, with her being the drug. Like nothing else matters while he is on the drug. Like he is walking around in a fog. Thinking only with his sexual organ and not his heart and mind. Because if he was thinking with those he would be back home.

I am on this roller coaster ride that I can't get off of. Some days I am okay, some days I want to die, some days I think I can't make it if he doesn't come home, some days I think I am better off if he doesn't and I go on. Some days I cry, some days I am mad, and somedays I want to kill them both, and some days I am just defeated. And the roller coaster has my stomach so upset I can't even eat and keep it down. I have lost 12 pounds already and it just started last Monday (the 12th). Not that losing it has been bad...I need to lose another 40 to be back to the weight I was when I started dating him 10 years ago. And I will. But hopefully I can do it while still eating something and not puking my guts out.

I have tons of friends and family...they are always with me and checking on me. And when they are around I feel good and like I can make it. I am very lucky for all my friends and family, and my online friends as well. The support is awesome, and no doubt I would be a lot worse off right now if it wasn't for all that. I think that is half of his problem...he won't reach out to anyone but her. Because he knows that everyone else thinks he is crazy for not coming home to me and working it out. And he doesn't want to hear that. But honestly I think if he would reach out his friends and family would be willing to hear how he is feeling and only offer advice if he asks. But he won't reach out and he won't ask for anything from anyone but her. So he is the one in the end that will truly be lonely. She will cheat on him or get bored of him...whatever it is she does...and then he will be alone, because it will most likely be too late for us. I can't wait forever. As much as I want to at this point...I know I will wake up some day and realize that I am healed and ready to go on with my life. I know it isn't healthy to just put my life on hold forever to wait for him to decide I am worth it. And one day he will, I know.

Well that is just the overview. I have had so many heartbreaking moments and conversations over the course of the last 11 days. But I can't even seperate the days to try to tell them in order so that it all makes sense. Just know that I don't wish anyone to ever have to go through this for any reason!

Now that I am over the shock of discovery, I will be able to post more on how each day is going for me. I am doing it in hopes of helping anyone that has been or may end up in my situation.

~Melody