Getting More and More Excited!

I can't believe that we are down to 10 weeks now! Baby X is growing and thriving all the time. He moves a lot now and it is the most wonderful feeling in the world! But I can't wait to actually look in his little face as I hold him in my arms. Some days I sit just marveling at him as he moves around inside me...and I am still in shock that he is there. I was at the point where I really didn't think I would ever experience this. Not that I didn't think I would ever be a Mommy, I just didn't think I would biologically have a child. I know that being a Mommy to any child is the most important thing I would ever do in my life. But it is such a magical thing to feel a child moving inside you. To know that you created this little life. And he was created with the love that has kept his Daddy and I going through all the tough times.

Speaking of his Daddy and love...I sit here thinking back to the affair and I realize while it was a horrible time in my life...I did learn a lot from it. I learned I was stronger than I ever imagined I would be. I learned that I am even more stubborn than I thought. And I learned a lot about forgiveness and the power of love. When I first fell in love I always told myself that if I was ever cheated on, especially after marriage, I would leave him. I felt like if someone could betray me that much, how could I ever forgive or trust them. I was so sure it would be easy to be so mad and hurt that I wouldn't want to be with that person anymore. But once it happened to me, it was different. I think forgiveness is a powerful thing. And that we should always forgive. But not necessarily forget. I forgive him for what he did but I know that having been through it once...I will not go through it again and stay with him. And now that we are going to have a child I know even more that if he were to ever be unfaithful again I would not stay with him. I do not want our child raised in a home with that kind of pain. I feel like we have overcome the pain from the affair and have rebuilt our marriage very well so far. I know our love for each other is very strong, and I don't think it was our love that was ever weak. What he did was a selfish thing, and it was all about his physical needs. I know he knows that now. And I trust that he will never do it again. When he looks in my eyes and tells me how much he loves me, how sorry he is, and how he won't ever do that to me again, I believe him. I know that our family is what means most to him now. I know that he is putting myself and our child first in his life. When I look into his eyes I see the man I fell in love with 11 years ago, I see the man I married 4 years ago, I see the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. He is there and he is working hard to show me he is here to stay. I know that our son will see the love his parents have for him and for each other, and I know he will grow up in a home where love is the most important thing. Everytime anyone mentions the baby I see the love his Daddy has already for him. And I know how much I already love him. And I know how much we love each other.

I know that things in life can change in a moments notice, but right now I am so happy and content with things. I hope that they continue on this path.

Oh and I keep forgetting to talk about what else crazy has been going on...I will make a seperate post about that...

~Melody

It was an awesome shared moment...

I have been trying for weeks now to get Baby X to cooperate and kick when Donny is around so he can feel him. But it never works...he will kick a couple times in the same area, I will call Donn in and he will put his hand on my tummy...and nothing, Baby X stops kicking. Well last night he was really active and kicking lots, so I thought I would try again. So Donny came in and put his hand on my tummy....and hooray....he finally felt his son move! A total of three times too! The look on his face when he realized he felt him move was amazing. His smile was as big as when they told us Baby X was a boy! I am so happy. I know how unreal a pregnancy is for me on occassion, but for him it is probably almost totally unreal. But to finally feel his son moving around has to help him feel more a part of things. I am just so happy to finally get to share that moment with him.

Things are going great between us. I feel like he is getting back to his oldself, from before the affair. It's like each day a little more of the man I fell in love with, 11 years ago, resurfaces. It just proves that love can overcome hard things like an affair. It's been a long road finding ourselves again, and I am sure there still will be moments when things come back about the affair. But for the moment I am totally enjoying my loving husband as we look forward to the arrival of our first child. People say a child can't save a marriage, and it's true. But I think a child can help make you realize why you got married in the first place. A child can remind you what a magical thing love truly is. This baby was created with love and is in turn reminding us what a powerful thing that very same love is...

There are a few other important things going on right now...but no time to explain. I will have write more tomorrow...

~Melody

Getting so excited...

I can't believe I am down to less than 15 weeks! Well that is if this little guy doesn't make me wait past 40 weeks. My nephew was almost three weeks past his due date when they finally had to induce my sister! He is moving more and more all the time. He actually kicked hard enough Saturday morning to startle me out of my sleep. Of course he only kicks that hard when Donny doesn't have his hand on my stomach! He has been moving more up around my belly button, which is so much more comfortable than down at my pelvic bone. I can always tell when he settles himself down so low because those muscles will really pull when I walk. My friend says I will be wishing he was back down there when he settles himself up in my rib cage. She said one of her girls were constantly in her rib cage. LOL. I don't much care where he is as long as I can feel him moving and know he is okay.

I have washed and either folded or hung up all the clothes I have for him so far. And let me tell you...there was a lot more than I thought! The changing table is pretty big and over half of one shelf is nothing but sleepers stacked all the way to touching the shelf above! They are anywhere from size newborn to a few 2T, and their are light weight ones, medium weight ones, and some blanket sleepers too! I even found a few gowns including two blanket type ones. I do want to pick up a few more of those. His closet is already full of 0-3 month, 3-6 month, and 6-9 month outfits. There are twice as many of the 0-3 than anything else so he is definitely set through winter (most of them are from my nephew who was also born in November). We have been buying some summer clothes on clearance in 6-9 month size and even a few 12 month (hopefully he can wear those by end of summer anyways). And I am planning on hitting a few garage sales this Saturday. Hoping to find a nice bassinette (they just aren't in them long enough to need a brand new one I don't think!) and maybe some clothes. I got a really nice swing for $15 yesterday. The lady just bought it in March for her youngest and he is done with it now. She said it was $50 when she bought it, but I am guessing she got it on sale because I have been pricing swings and that is a good deal. So I got a super good deal! I still have to find fabric and make new curtains for his room, and I have to buy a breast pump too. We are debating on whether we are going to buy a new travel system or just use what we have. I have two car seats that came from close friends so I know they haven't been in any accidents and I checked and they haven't been recalled or anything. And I won't need a stroller too much until spring, unless we just want it to do Christmas shopping or something. And I do have a stroller, it is nothing fancy but it would work. It is a model between an umbrella stroller and a full size stroller. So we aren't in a big hurry to make that purchase right now. We are trying to save to get a 3D ultrasound done in September. Plus we want to get a new digital camera before his birth. So we bumped those things up above the travel system.

Donny did the cutest thing yesterday. We both have myspace.com pages. Yesterday he was finally filling out some of the text portion of his. One of the sections is titled "Who I Would Like to Meet. Well when I read his page he had put under that section...my soon to be baby boy. I thought it was so sweet...even I didn't think of putting that under there. Sometimes he still surprises me.

Okay can you tell I am getting more and more excited? I just keeping walking in the nursery and imagining him there. I can't wait for November to get here so we can meet our little guy! Well I will quit babbling excessively now....

~Melody

Where has time gone??

I have been so busy I have been forgetting to post here. I don't even know if I can remember everything that has been going on!?!

Hmm where to start. Well my biological dad got married last month. So my family grew from me having one younger brother and one younger sister...to having one older step-sister (by only 9 months), one younger brother, one younger step-brother, one younger sister and two-younger step-sisters. Plus now instead of having three nephews, I have 3 nephews, 4 step-nephews and 3 step-neices. Us kids are all between the ages of 22 and 30 and the grandkids are between the ages of my unborn baby to 10 years old. So dad and my new step mom will no doubt be constantly busy between all of us! We are bigger than the Brady Bunch! LOL. If I get a hold of some good pics of my new family I will post them later.

My nephew Hunter (my brother's youngest son) turned 4! It is so hard to believe. He insisted to me he was 6 and I told him to slow down...him being 4 already was bad enough! LOL.

My sister, brother in law, and nephew Adam are moving a couple hours away (in the town next to where my Dad and most of my new family live). I am sadden that I will miss seeing them now but it is for the best for them because my brother in law got a good job there. With the baby coming I will be even more busy and it was hard to help them out as much as I would have liked to. But now I know they will have people to help them.

I had my latest OB appt. last week. I am now up 8 and a half pounds total. Which they said is nothing to worry about. I am so excited about how fast this pregnancy is going! He is moving a lot now. I even felt him kick hard enough a couple weeks ago that I felt it on my hand. But mostly I can only feel him internally. But I am hoping in the next couple weeks he will be moving enough Donny can feel him. He is anxiously awaiting that time too! We have been working on the nursery. We have the crib all ready to go...the crib set and mobile too! We also have matching border to put up too! We are down to just needing a car seat/stroller combo travel system and a dresser. I am getting a swing this week. We would like a new bassinette (well not necessarily new but a newer model) before he gets here because the one we have is an old wicker one. We already have the crib, changing table, walker, jumper, bouncer (2 actually), portable swing, and a play yard. We also have one car seat and one stroller...but they don't work together as a travel system. I found a lot of sheets and blankets from when I did daycare...plus a lot of toys too. I spent the weekend washing the bedding and disinfecting the toys. I also have a bunch of my nephew Adam's clothes in sizes 0-3 months and some 3 to 6 months. He was born in November so they should all fit Baby X this winter. We have been buying some clothes in 6 to 9 months and 12 months for next summer since they are on clearance right now. We are both getting so excited about his arrival. November can't come fast enough! Although his name is still not decided, so maybe November better not come too fast! LOL.

As far as our relationship goes...things are are really wonderful right now. He has been spending very little time on the internet at all. And a few nights ago he told me as November nears he has realizes more and more things. He said he realizes that he hasn't been treating me like I am the most important thing in his life. And he said the baby and I are the most important things in his life, and he is going to start showing it. And that he is going to spend more time showing me how much he does love. He said he can't wait for us to be a family. He knows this is what he has always wanted. I am really feel like he means it. He is silent when he can't say things like that, so if he says it, he means it. He has been good at hiding things from me, but he is not good at lying. So if he says it, it isn't a lie. He has finally looked inside himself and found what he really wants in life. I am so glad he has gotten there now. I was giving him til November to figure it out, but it is a relief to know it isn't taking him all the way to November to decide.

I truly believe that any relationship that was strong before an affair, can be after one. I believe that if two people love each other enough they can forgive and rebuild. I know an affair is a huge mistake and is one of the most hurtful things someone can do to someone they love. But it truly can be a mistake that is learned from. I only hope that anyone that goes through an affair can either rebuild and have a lasting marriage, or let go so that they can go on and find someone they can have a lasting marriage in. I am sure there are many cases when that is the best thing to do. I am just glad ours turned out to be the kind that can survive it, and that we can truly go on and be happy again.

I hope that anyone that reads my blog and may find themselves in a similar situation will contact me, I will do whatever I can to help you through the tough times.

~Melody

About the U/S---IT"S A BOY!

The ultrasound was wonderful. She said almost right off (after asking if we wanted to know) "It's a boy!!". He was moving the entire time, it was like the more she was pressing the more he moved. She said all his measurements are within a day or two of where I am in the pregnancy. All except his thigh bone, which she said was a few more days behind and she said it wasn't anything to worry about, it just indicates he might not be as tall as his daddy. Daddy is of course worried it might be something more. I am trying to put his fears at ease. He has his butt pushed up against my bladder and is kicking towards my hip, which totally explains why my left hip has been hurting! I have been telling Donny the last couple weeks that I was sure the baby was on the left side most of the time. And she said that is where he is. I can't believe for as much as he was moving on the u/s that I don't feel him yet. She said it shouldn't be long now. He weighs 217 grams and his heartbeat was 158. I so can't wait to be able to feel him. We went shopping Thursday evening and Donny picked out a mobile and crib blanket with sports stuff on them. He was so excited. He has been in the infants department before for gifts for others, but it was like it was his first real time. He was looking at everything in awe. It was so awesome to watch. I can't wait to start really working on the nursery with him. I had Winnie the Pooh curtains a friend made a few years ago...but I guess I will use them as a pattern to make new ones with a sports theme! In a few days I will be half way! I can't believe it.

~Melody

Less than a week...

Well I am getting super excited...less then a week and I get to see Baby X again and find out if it is boy or a girl. I have been driving Donny crazy saying she...LOL. I swear it isn't intentional, it is just coming out that way. So I think our little Baby X is a girl! :) Even though everyone else (with the exceptions of my SIL and my nephews-which I think my SIL trained them to say they think it's a girl! LOL) think it's a boy. The countdown is on...and then we will know who is right! I can't wait because we are going to start the nursery and getting stuff for the baby as soon as we know. I still haven't felt her move....at least I don't think so. I get a lot of sensations in my lower stomach area but I am never sure if it is her or gas or what. I suppose if it was her I would know. Noone can explain really how it feels when the baby first starts moving, so I guess I will wait until she is moving enough that I know it's her. She spends most of her time on the left side because it is always hard on left side more than the right. Sometimes I can press on the left side for awhile, and then a little later when I press it isn't hard anymore but it is hard by my belly button, so I must be annoying her enough she is moving. I don't think the next week can go fast enough!!!

This morning at 6:30 am our phone rang. I was thinking "who the hell is calling us at this time?" Well it was Ashley! She was so drunk and calling me to come get her out of jail. She apparently got arrested for public intoxication and interference with official acts...not that she could remember that, the officer had to get on the phone and tell me that is what she was arrested for and that she needed $98 to get out. I told him that she called the wrong person, that I wasn't sure why she called me, because I wasn't coming to get her out. She was so drunk that when I asked her where David was (the guy she has been with since everything happened), she said she didn't know but did I have his number so she could call him? OMG, seriously that is how drunk she was. When I told her I had to go because I had to get to work she said "Oh isn't it Sunday?". So obviously she is getting worse instead of better. I told her I thought she needed to stay there and sleep it off. Then I repeated I wasn't coming to get her and that I had to go. So she said goodbye and hung up. Oh she did tell me she called Jerry too....as if he is going to come get her any faster than I would. I guess she doesn't have any friends, because if you have to resort to calling your exhusband and the ex friend who you had an affair with her husband. It's sad really.

Donny had this sudden light bulb come on Saturday night and he told me that he and his online girlfriend (Amy) decided I was right and they were being out of line and inappropriate. That I had all the right in the world to be upset. HELLO! What I don't understand is why I wasn't right until they decided I was?? He said no more hiding things from me, that I can read all his chats, and if I see anything inappropriate then I just have to say something and he will not say it again. While I wish I could just believe that he is sincere, I am still cautious. And whether he deletes certain chats or not...I will know what he is doing, he just doesn't know it. I have decided to stick it out at home until the baby is born and see what happens. If he keeps walking the straight line then I will be coming home with the baby. But if he doesn't then I will be going to my stepdad's with the baby. From the minute he goes back to his bad behavior I will begin making plans on what needs packed and such. Then by the time the baby comes I will be ready to go. I will not raise our child in a home where that kind of deceit is occuring. So that is my plan.

~Melody

3rd OB Appointment.

It went really really well. I haven't gained any weight since the last appointment four weeks ago. This time when she put the doppler on my stomach it picked up the baby's heartbeat right away. She hardly even had to move it and there it was! It was the most comforting sound. It was 163 this time. We set up my ultrasound for June 29th at 1 pm to hopefully found out if we are having a boy or a girl!! I am so excited I can't wait. I hope these next three weeks go super fast!! Tomorrow I am going to look at some baby stuff that is being sold at a sale on Saturday. Because I am friends with someone that is friends with the group they said I could buy whatever I want tomorrow! They have a homemade oak changing table for only $25. I am hoping it is nice because I really want a changing table but don't want to spend a fortune on it. Once we found out if the baby is a girl or boy I will start sorting stuff that has been given to me over the years and getting the nursery in order.

Now if things with he and I were so good. But they are not. He has been carrying on with some woman on his yahoo messenger. Nothing in person, but I read a chat conversation he didn't get deleted out of his message archive and it really upset me. His response was to change his password to his yahoo account. I have always known his passwords. He has never had anything to hide. I am extremely upset and he is handling the whole thing by not talking about it. He wants to sweep it under the rug and forget about it. He thinks because he keeps telling me how much he loves me and keeps being loving that it is okay. He thinks because he hasn't done anything physcially with her it is okay...it was just a conversation. He isn't getting that by changing his password he is keeping secrets and that keeping secrets like that isn't something a marriage is supposed to have. But the worst part is the fact that he won't talk about it with me. He won't acknowledge we have a problem. I am at the end of my rope. If he won't tell me what is going on with him, and he continues these secrets then I have no choice but to seperate from him. I can not continue to live this way.

~Melody

Well we made it through it...

It wasn't pretty, but we survived last Wednesday night. I was so pissed off at him because...you guessed it...he didn't get home until 4:30 am. He withdrew $30 instead of $20 but he only spent $20. He thought I had no right to be upset because he only spent $20 of it and because he never promised to be home by 2:30 just because I asked him to. That and he said I should be happy because he was home by 4:30 because the after party lasts until 6 am now. WTF??? Men and their way of analyzing things. By the time I got home from work Thursday I had told him what I thought...which was basically that he should have been happy with the fact that I said yes you can go just be home by 2:30. And that if he wasn't going to respect my opinion in the matter then he wasted both of our time by discussing it with me before he went...because he did what he was going to do reguardless of what I thought. So I told him he did a poor job of showing me I could trust him and that he respected my feelings. Finally he did agree that I was right. I told him that I keep trying to take steps in restoring my trust in him...but he keeps taking these leaps forward...thus making us fall backwards in progress. Hopefully if this situation arises again anytime soon (although I honestly hope not) he will remember what we discussed and will respect me and my feelings more.

On the baby front...things are progessing. I am wearing more of my baggier shirts and elastic pants because my jeans are getting uncomfortable. I don't look like I am showing much...but it is pushing out my already chubby tummy...thus giving me the look that I have put on weight...but it doesn't look like a pregnant tummy! I can't wait until it actually resembles the tummy of a pregnant woman!

Oh this last weekend was sucky...and it was a holiday weekend, which meant we both had Monday off. But unfortunetly the stupid window a/c in our living room (which cools the livingroom, kitchen, dining room, and laundry room) quit working! And since it was in the upper 80s and lower 90s it was miserable hot in the trailer. So I spent most of it shut up in our bedroom because our window unit in there was working! It sucked! I couldn't get anything productive done! It has cooled down some and hopefully we will be getting a new a/c tonight. The one that quit working was only 2 years old...but since it is most likely the motor (called a repair guy) it isn't worth fixing because it would cost basically what a new one will. UGH!

~Melody

Not feeling so well...

I am not feeling so well right now. Donny just left to go out to the bar with this friend of ours that is leaving for the National Guard in a couple weeks. His weekends are busy so he can't go out on Saturday night when I can go to. I hate that Donny is going out without me...but I can't keep babysitting him all the time. I have to trust him sometime. What I hate right now is that I asked him to be home by 2:30 and he wouldn't promise that. Plus I told him to only spend $20 and he wouldn't promise that either. It makes me mad because he is always on me for spending money on stuff we don't really need but he can go spend money at the bar!?!?! At least the stuff I buy isn't a waste. I don't want him going to the "after party" which is from 2 to 4 am. But he wouldn't promise that. I think being gone from 10:30 to 2:00 is more than enough time in the bar. So I am mad because he couldn't just say "Okay baby...thanks for letting me go out in the first place, I will be home by 2:30 and I will only spend $20." I am thankful that this friend is leaving because he is the only one tht ever calls and asks Donny to go out to the bar! I doubt I sleep well until he is home...becaue I am so uncomfortable with him being out right now. I can't even call him because his friend's cell phone is broke. So I literally won't have a clue where they are or anything. I hate it! I just hope he is home by 2:30 because if not...it's not going to be pretty! This so sucks....

~Melody

Scared the hell out of me...

Donny did, but totally unintentionally. It was Tuesday morning at about 4 am. I woke up to go pee (as I do every night at least once) and before I crawled out of bed I looked over at him. And I swore he wasn't breathing-I didn't see his chest moving and I didn't hear any breathing sounds. Which I have seen him stop breathing while he slept before but it would only be a minute or less. I reached over and put my hand on his chest and didn't feel any movement. By now a couple minutes has passed. I touched his arm and it felt cool and clammy. I thought he was dead. I seriously thought he had quit breathing and died in his sleep. I started to panic and I screamed "Honey!". Which made him jump and open his eyes and look at me like "what the hell??". It was the scariest and freakiest thing that has ever happened to me. I can't even begin to put in words the fear I felt at that moment. I hope that never ever happens again! I might have a heart attack myself if it does!

On the baby front...I had my second OB appt. last Thursday. The dr. got out the doppler and spent a good ten minutes trying to find the baby's heartbeat with no luck. I laid there thinking to myself about how if she didn't find it that it didn't mean anything was wrong. That it is early to detect with the doppler and I am overweight...thus making it harder. But I was also thinking "Please just find it so I won't worry myself!". And finally about 15 minutes after she started (at least that is what it felt like!) she found it!! Beating loud and steady like during the u/s. So I breathed a sigh of relief. Little guy was hiding clear over on the lower right side. Oh yeah we have gone to saying he/him, everyone says it is a boy (except me because I am unsure really either way) so I gave in and going with the flow that it is a boy! LOL. We can't wait until 18 weeks to find out!! Right now I don't feel like I am showing...but my pants are starting to get uncomfortable. All I feel like right now is that what space is pushing out because of the pregnancy...is just pushing my fat out farther. So I just feel like I look fatter instead of pregnant! LOL. I can't wait until I look pregnant instead of fat!

Well time to get back to work...

~Melody

Finally updating on the u/s!

The ultrasound was awesome! I can still close my eyes and see our little one moving around on the screen! It was the most breathtaking thing to see and hear! Yes, we saw and heard the heartbeat very clearly! It was 188, likely high because he/she was moving around so much...kicking feet and waving hands. We could make out the hands and feet easily on the screen, but unfortunetly in the pictures she printed it's not so easy...looks more like a blob LOL. He was in more of an awe than I was because he hasn't ever seen an ultrasound, where I have. But it is a lot different when it is of your own baby! We can't wait for the next one at around 18 weeks so we know whether it is a he or she. Oh I am officially due November 25th. The ultrasound dated me from 10.5 weeks to 11 weeks, but she said most measurements were 10.5 weeks. I can't wait to hit 12 weeks, I will relax some. I try not to worry but I do. I try to remind myself that as long as I am taking care of myself, I am taking care of the baby too. But sometimes I find myself thinking I need to be even more cautious of when and what I eat and what I do. But I know in reality I do a good job taking care of myself and that everything will be okay.

I am starting to show already, but I know a lot of that is from being overweight to begin with LOL. Good thing it is summer and I can wear elastic shorts and light weight pants, because several pairs of my jeans are getting snug. They start off okay in the morning, but by midday they are starting to get irritating. So before long I will have to put them in the drawer to stay until after the baby is born. I am walking 1.25 miles a day (well weather permitting...darn rain!)with a friend in hopes of not gaining more weight than I have to. And since I am already over weight I don't actually have to gain too much. And my goal is to gain what they say I need to gain and not more. I think it will be easy, because at this point I crave veggies and some salty foods more than sweets. I figured I would become even more of an ice cream addict, but not so far. I am hooked on tomatoes and plain lay's potato chips...although not necessarily together LOL. Plus any frozen vegetable like corn, califlower, and broccoli. Donny might get his wish, he wants a child that will be a healthy eater and be in shape to play sports like he did! So if I have an increased veggie intake while pregnant...well our child maybe into veggies! LOL.

I think since I will be 12 weeks this weekend I will go ahead and start working some on the nursery. I have tons of boxes of stuff to go through that friends and family have given me over the years (hand me downs from their children), plus things I accumulated doing daycare. I have to decide what I will actually use and get rid of the rest to make room for new stuff. That will be a job in itself. Plus my aunt is coming from Nebraska to visit so I need to get the whole place cleaned up! I better get working....right after I finish making my Mother's day cards...which I need to finish tonight to mail tomorrow!

Well I best get working....

~Melody

Back again...

Man I haven't posted in awhile. I don't know how I get so far behind in posting! Things are progressing normally with the pregnancy. I have had a good share of nausea, but luckily it seems to stop at the nausous feeling. I have only actually thrown up a handful of times. And for the last several days the nausea seems to have let up greatly. I do think I have another yeast infection though. UGH! Thursday we have our first u/s (that I had to fight to get!). We are doing it to find out the due date more accurately. But I am hoping that we will get lucky and get to see and hear the heartbeat! Most days I still sit in disbelief that I am finally pregnant. I can't wait until it is more "real" so to speak. And hearing the heartbeat Thursday will really help that.

Donny excitement is building too. Last night he actually kissed my stomach. It was so sweet. We are doing so well. It's hard to believe that just a few short months ago our marriage was on a fine line that either of us could have fallen off of. I guess it totally proves that the affair was a totally selfish act on his part and that it was only about sex. I am thankfully each and every day that we were able to put things back together and continue building our lives together. It just feels so right.

We have discussed names a bit but decided we aren't going to share the names with anyone. Since the sex is something we are going to find out and share we decided something should be a secret...so the name is hush, hush. :) We have decided pretty much on the first name for a boy and the middle name for a girl!

Well I will be sure to post how Thursday goes!

~Melody

Wow!!

Okay I am sitting here thinking of how crazy the last four months have been! It was four months ago that I discovered he was having an affair. And now it has been four days since I discovered I am pregnant! I have to say it again..."I AM PREGNANT!" After 3 years and 4 months of not getting pregnant, we had pretty much decided it wasn't going to happen, at least not without some serious medical help. But here I am pregnant...after not having any meds of dr. help for over year! I hadn't even been taking my temperature to see when I ovulated. I honestly didn't figure I have been ovulating with the wacky long periods I have had. I am still in shock and even though I have been to the dr. for a test, that confirmed the HPT results...I still don't think it will really hit me until the first time I hear the heartbeat. He is so thrilled...he is already talking about "if it is a boy this and if it is a girl this". It's so cute.

It all actually started March 20th. I had some spotting and cramping and so I thought I was finally going to start my period...which was late seeing as how my last one had been January 20th. Well it never started. I didn't think too much of it...assuming it would start within a week. Well last week I started feeling nauseous and did throw up supper on Wednesday. So Saturday morning (April Fool's Day!) I took a HPT figuring it would be negative and I would realize I was over analyzing again...even though this time I really felt like it had to be because I was pregnant. But by the time I took the test out of my urine stream to put the cap back on it...the second line was there...darker than the first one. I just stared at it. I thought I was imagining that second line I swear. So I jumped on the bed and startled Donny because he thought I was screaming "Honey-wake up" because he overslept for work! LOL. His first words when he saw the test were "OMG a little Donny!" LMAO! Things have been a blur since Saturday...I know it's early...but we have told all of our family and close friends. We couldn't help it...we have waited so long! I am not sure how far along I am...thus I don't really know a due date. But I think that spotting and cramping on March 20th was probably implantation and if that is the case I am 5 to 6 weeks along. So I am going with the due date of December 3rd for right now. If I go with the January 20th being the first day of my last period...then I would be like 10 weeks and I don't think I am. So basically it looks like we will have to wait for an ultrasound to know for sure. I have have my first OB appointment next Thursday so I bet she will decide when to do the first ultrasound. I know they don't normally do one until like 16 to 18 weeks...but I am hoping she will do one sooner so we can have a more accurate due date. Plus I will just plain feel better. I think I am going to be more nervous with the baby inside me than once it is born.

So anyways...I am going to be a Mommy finally! I am excited to be able to be writing about being pregnant now!

~Melody

A Beautiful Day...

Okay so the title doesn't really have too much to do with the actual blog for the day...but it is really a beautiful day outside. And of course by the time Saturday gets here it will be not so beautiful outside again. The beautiful days are always when I am stuck inside! At least I have huge windows around me too look out while I work.

I have been feeling better lately. I am realizing that I can remind myself about the affair to stay focused on the fact that he did make a mistake and that I need to keep in mind there is always the chance he could do it again, and that while I have to be cautious of that fact...I don't have to let it ruin the happy times we are having. I know that the middle ground has to be where I stay grounded. That yes, he had an affair and it hurt like hell but now he is with me and he is being my husband again. I can believe him when he says he won't ever do it again, while still realizing that I have to protect myself emotionally in case it does happen again. It's like this juggling act that one has to learn to balance. And I am getting better at it!

I still haven't started my period. And I have now moved on to looking my hardest for signs that would indicate I am pregnant and not just suffering from a body that doesn't know what it is doing. I will put myself out of my misery this weekend and take a HPT. I hate spending money on them to just see one line staring back at me...shoot I would hate to see the one single line staring back at me if I got the test for free! But there are certain things in my lifestyle that tell me that I need to know for sure I am not pregnant. Like the fact that I usually take green tea pills to help with my diet and hunger (which I have not been taking in case) and the fact that I am a social drinker (which I too have been avoiding for the last three weeks). I have been letting my mind wonder towards the fact that I could be pregnant...and how things would be. I can see in my mind the moment I see two lines on the HPT and the moment I tell him. I can see everything. And it's probably a bad thing. I am going to get my self all excited and happy only to be disappointed. I mean that is what has happened everytime my period is late...for almost three and a half years now. You would think that a person would get used to it after that long...but you never do.

Onto a happier note...I have been working on a scrapbook for a friend's little baby boy...who was born a couple weeks ago and is hopefully out of the hospital today!! He was born a bit preemie...he weighed over five pounds but his lungs needed some help at first. I have been buying stuff off of Ebay to make his book and I am so excited to be getting the last of the stuff I bought-hopefully by this weekend. My plan is to work on it Saturday. I really need to get it done and to them...since they no doubt already have a bunch of pictures they are ready to put in it!!! Plus I need to get it done so I can get back to my wedding book!!

So what do you think about my new blog set-up? I have been having fun with graphics lately on the message boards so I thought I would try to figure out how to use HTML to liven up my blog. I am pretty proud of it so far....

~Melody

Time flies by...

Wow! I can't believe how much time has gone by since I blogged last! Life has been moving along without any major bumps. I am happy to report that she has not been staying at her place for about 6 weeks now. It has been awesome not seeing her. But I did keep holding my breath as I turned the corner whenever I came home, thinking one day her car would be there. But the really great news is that she has been moving stuff out for the last week or so. I haven't seen her but I can see truck tire tracks up to the door. Two nights ago the guy she has been seeing (and now staying with) since Donny came back home, showed up and met the Rent-A-Center guys so they could get the refrigerator out. So now I really feel like she is going to be gone for good shortly. It's such a wonderful feeling to know I can go home and not have to worry about seeing her across the street. It's probably a good thing for her as well...because lately I have been feeling some major anger towards her. Many would say finally, and I would have to agree. Now I just want to tell her what a horrible friend she is...what a horrible wife she was...and how she deserves to be alone. I want to make her feel the pain she made me feel, although I wonder if she is even capable of feeling pain. Her divorce is final...lucky for him! Now he can move on and be happy. I have talked to him once and awhile...mostly on text messages...he already seems a million times happier!

I am having one problem these days. Things have been going wonderful with us. I mean he is totally open about everything and is treating me like he did before the affair. But for some reason I keep making myself think about the affair. I think it is because I feel like I am moving on too quickly. Like I am letting life go back to the way it was before the affair without dealing with the affair. Oh, it's so hard to explain. I mean we have discussed why the affair happened, how wrong it was, how to keep it from happening again etc. But I feel like we have just erased that period of time and then removed it from our life...pasting our life before the affair together with life now...so it is like it never happened. I feel good about us...but I wondered if it is wrong to let life go on so easily. I don't know if I want to keep remembering it so that I don't forget he is capable of hurting me and being so deceitful or if it is because I want him to keep remembering how he hurt me and make him continuely realize how lucky he is that I didn't leave him. Either way I am sure it's not healthy. I truely believe we have saved our marriage. But now I just have to figure out how to file the affair in our life experiences and let it go enough to feel good without letting go so much that it happens again. There has to be a middle to how to move on from it without acting like it never happened.

Moving on...I could be feeling so crazy and hormonal because my body is so messed up. I mean it has been like 94 days or something like that since I actually started a new cycle...so this cycle has drug on for over 3 months. I had the D&C in November and then about six weeks later I started bleeding, which would be the start of a new cycle...well I bled for like 18 days and then stopped for 5 days and then bled for another 25 and haven't since then. It's crazy. This whole week I keep think I am going to start my period...but it hasn't. It started with some light spotting and then I had cramps with it. Well the cramps have came and went several times...but no more spotting for two days. It's so weird. I just wish it would start! I know that we haven't been actively trying to get pregnant since the affair...but it is still a disappointment to have to think about the fact that I can't get pregnant. I mean we haven't used anything to stop it from happening. It's hurts to think it has been three years and three months of using nothing to prevent pregnancy and we haven't ever gotten pregnant. I sit here today thinking two completely opposite thoughts. The first being I hope I don't start bleeding because maybe I am pregnant...and the other being come on just start bleeding so I can start a new cycle and so I know I am not pregnant, so I can quit wondering. I hate not knowing for sure. I mean I am fairly certain the likelihood I am pregnant is almost zero. But there is still this thread of hope I am hanging on to. It's about to drive me crazy....

Well I really should get back to work for now....

~Melody

Why?

Why is that even though we are doing so good...I can't keep from being completely happy. Take Valentine's Day...he takes me out for supper. As we are waiting for our supper we are talking. I mentioned that it has now been over two months since D-Day (discovery day...when I confronted him about the affair). He says to me once again how sorry he is...how much he loves me...and how he always wants to be with me. But instead of just enjoying hearing him say that...I hear myself saying "Well you always said that before too...but then you decided you wanted to be with her and you left me for a week." To which he replies "But I came back to you". Yeah he did but I had to quickly point out that it was because she kicked him out. And of course I know that wasn't necessary to say because I know that there was a time shortly after that-that he could have went back to her, she would have let him. And truthfully he could probably leave me at any time for her if he wanted. I mean her husband is never coming back. And she is very needy right now...so I am sure she would be estatic if he wanted to move back with her. But he stays with me, taking care of me, loving me. And he did really piss her off last Thursday (not yesterday). Yes, he has still been going to see her on Thursdays. Anyways...she was sitting there feeling sorry for herself...saying how depressing her life is...that her husband is gone, her dog is gone, she has no money, her house is a pigsty, her Christmas tree is still up, she has no friends...etc. And he looked at her and said "I can come over here and be your friend...talk to you about how losing your husband has affected you. But I can't come over here and talk to you about the other things...because all I want to do is kick you in the ass and tell you to do something about them...I will not baby you about them. You choose to not get another job to have more money, you choose to sleep your day away and drink your night away, you choose to not clean your house, you choose to not take your tree down." So she got mad and told him to get the fuck out. He says he is never going over there again. That he doesn't even want to be her friend. All I said was "If you say so. We will see". Well he didn't go over there yesterday. We are going out tomorrow night and will no doubt run in to her at some point...so we will see how that goes.

I know that things are going good...but I am still having troubles with the fact that he had the affair in the first place. And I know I have to work through that...or it will never fully be okay again. I just wish I knew how to keep images of the two of them together out of my mind. Or keep the thoughts that there is a chance he could meet someone else in the future that would cause him to do it to me again. I just want to let it all go and go back to being happy and secure...

~Melody

Feelings that sneak up on you...

It's weird how feelings can just sneak up on you. Just when you think you have a grip on things...wham...something knocks the wind out of you. Take today for instance. I decided to use my latest toy (yes, finally I have a cell phone) to get in touch with her Husband. I texted him a simple message..."Just wanted to say hi. I miss U." Which started a chain of messages back and forth throughout the afternoon...and then one this evening. I know he has a new g/f (the divorce will be final soon and since she has cheated on him multiple times-who can blame him) and her name is Melanie. Which has caused a bit of confusion on his part when it comes to text messages. When I first texted him today he thought I was her...and I could tell. I quickly let him know it was me! My last message to him on my way home from work was "I am glad u are happy. U deserve it! But I do miss u." To which he replies this evening..."I know u do, I miss u too. And thanx for being happy for me." I found myself feeling very sad. And a little later I found myself crying. Crying for one of the sweetest guys I have ever met...crying for the friendship that we once had. Yeah we can still be friends...but it can't be the same now. When we are together we will always remember what was taken from us by our spouses. I will always know the pain my husband caused him. He thought my husband was his best friend...and so did I. Sometimes I wonder if I can even look him in the eyes. I don't know if I can stand to see the pain I know I will see...the pain we will reflect in each other's eyes. I just want to see him...to run to him...to hold him and cry with him. Only he can truly feel my pain in this situation. The four of us were this unit before the affair. Always together in some way. Not a day went by that we didn't all talk at least a few minutes. Now all that is left is what Donny and I have put back together. Which is going wonderful. Each day we grow stronger. I live for the day that I don't have to look outside and know that she is across the street, I live for the day that we can go the entire day without a thought of her. We talk a lot and talk through a lot. I feel secure with our relationship...but I still find those thoughts sneaking in my mind...thoughts of doubt. I am usually quick to put them at rest...and if I can't do it alone...I go talk to him about them and we put them to rest alone. I really can't wait until they don't sneak in my head anymore.

Donny went over there on Thursday. He pissed her off and swears he is never going over there again. But he has said that before, so honestly I can't believe him this time. I guess she was going on about how depressing her life is. About her Christmas tree still being up, her house being a mess, not having any money etc. And he told her he wasn't going to baby her about those things. That it is her choice for things to be that way. That she is the one that hasn't taken down her tree, she is the one that doesn't clean her house, she is the one that would rather sleep and drink all day and night instead of getting another job to have more money...etc. So she got pissed and told him to get the fuck out. So he swears he is done being her friend and is never going over there again...wait he promised. But honestly I don't believe him. That is probably wrong...but he has said it before. So I am not going to celebrate so soon. Oh and she actually told him that she didn't think it was fair that he didn't lose anything over the affair and she lost everything. WTF? She said he still has his wife and his happy marriage...plus he got a new truck. How does she figure he didn't lose anything? I guess she conveniently forgot about the fights she witnessed between he and I during the first couple of weeks after the affair came out. I guess she thinks I am more forgiving than I am...because he has lost plenty. He lost my trust...he lost respect from me, from our families, from our friends, shoot even from some of his co-workers. I am sure he even lost respect for himself. The difference between him and her is how they handled it after it was out. He tried to put things back together...to show me that he wanted to save our marriage. She continued to show her husband that she wasn't going to change. I really think he would have given her another chance had she straightened her shit up right away. But instead she had Donny come live with her...and then when he came home, she continued drinking every night and having guys over all the time. So he saw she wasn't going to change...and thus ended things for good.

He wants to go out Wednesday night with a buddy from work...without me. Not because he doesn't want me around...but because I have to work Thursday morning and they don't so they don't want to have to go home early because of me. I am not sure I am ready for him to go out to a bar without me. I am not sure I trust him enough...not so much because it is a bar and he is without me...but because I know she goes out to the bars everynight...and I won't be there to keep her away from him. And I will sit here at home just imagining the worst. And I don't know how to stop that. I thought about telling him he can go out til midnight or something like that. A compromise so to speak. Because I know I won't be able to sleep until he is home...so midnight won't kill me. I don't want him to think I don't trust him...but truthfully I am not ready to trust him that much. YKWIM? UGH...this is so hard....

Well it's almost 10:30 and I need to get our lunches made yet...so best end for now. Hopefully I can put these thoughts of her husband (my friend I miss so much), her (someone I thought was my friend), and everything out of my head so I can sleep. Well I hear Donny snoring...so best go wake him up LOL. night night...

~Melody

The nerve of her....

So this last weekend (2/4) was an interesting one. I found my anger coming back out. I have been pretty good through it all. I mean I haven't been nasty to her...I think mean hateful things about her...and even say them to my friends, but I have not actually said anything mean to her. Nor have I treated her badly. But I made very clear we could never be friends again. I mean that is a no brainer anyways. How would one be friends again with the person who had an affair with their husband?? (when you see her or she in bold...that is me refering to the one he had an affair with in the nicest way I can...I know many other words I would like to use to refer to her)

Well anyway...an old friend of mine is back in the area and came to stay at our place. So we (her, I, and Donny) decided to go out Saturday night. We went to basically the most popular bar. And we knew at some point she would end up there, she goes there about every night. Well my friend was happy about that because she wanted to see her. We were having a good time and Donny was talking to guys from work and stuff. Well he headed to the bathroom and was gone awhile. No big deal really I was just wondering where he was...my friend points out where he is and he is at a table talking to a woman and a guy (who have their backs to me). I didn't think much of it and went back to the conversation we were having. Then suddenly someone has their arm around me...and it is her. She says "Hi Mel." I was like "Hi" (thinking what the fuck does she want). Then she says "Well I just wanted to say hi" and walks away. It is then I discover that is who Donny was talking to. No big deal because her guy friend (who she swears is only a friend) was with her, and Donny and I both like him. My friend wanted to know who she was and I told her that is the one. Well her and her guy friend make their way to a table next to ours and he says he is getting the rest of our drinks. Well who am I to turn down free drinks? Well actually I pretty much did...because one of us had to drive home. So I just sipped a couple beers and had a couple other drinks through out the whole time (we were there for 4 hours total).

What turned out to be pretty funny about the whole thing was that her guy friend was totally taken with my friend. I mean he almost totally ignored her and was all over my friend, who let him just because she knew it was bothering her. And she wanted to make her suffer in any way she could. I couldn't believe how into my friend he was...he didn't even pay attention to the guys that were hanging all over her. Normally he is very protective of her...not letting any guys touch her. But not that night. At one point I was talking to my friend and I noticed that Donny was talking to some guys from work. Well all the sudden she is there hanging herself on him. He didn't appear to really notice her, he was talking to the guys. But I was like no freaking way...so I grabbed the back of his shirt and jerked him clear away from her. I looked at him and said "Basically any freaking woman in this entire bar can touch you or hang on you...but her!! He said okay...I am sorry it won't happen again. He didn't even look at her or anything, he just walked around the otherside from where he was standing...and she still was...and went back to talking to the guys from work. You could tell it really pissed her off that he didn't try to defend her or tell me I was wrong. So here she was...being ignored by Donny and her guy friend. So miss drama queen...miss center of attention...decides to make a huge scene by pretending she is passing out. Her guy friend was too drunk and couldn't hold her up...so he asked for our help. Well as much as I didn't want to touch her or help her...I didn't want him to get hurt...and I certainly didn't want Donny touching her to help. So both I and my friend tried to get her to let us help her out of the bar (we were on the second floor and it was now closing time). Well even though she was supposed to basically be passed out...she wouldn't let anyone touch her or help her but her guy friend or Donny. Well she made her guy friend fall and hit his face on the edge of the pool table...because he was too drunk to hold his weight and hers. So Donny jumped in to help. Then a couple bouncers did. They said they would carry her down the stairs and out to the car. She wouldn't let go of Donny. She had her arms around his neck and her hands clenched together. So he ended up helping her down the stairs. I was so pissed. I was yelling at him to let go of her and he wouldn't....well a lot because she wouldn't let go of him. I know every that was behind us trying to get down the stairs thought I was crazy. I was yelling and trying to pry her hands off of him. But ya know...seeing her arms around his neck and his hands on her (it was her bare skin because her skimpy little shirt got pushed up in the process of everyone trying to keep her upright) just made me see them naked together having sex...and I went crazy. It wasn't until the next day when we woke up that he understood why it was wrong and why I reacted the way I did. If he hadn't been drunk I am sure he would have understood the moment it was happening. It's a good thing we don't go out often and get drunk. I just can't believe that she thought she could act like we all used to before the affair. Just because I haven't kicked her ass (and let me tell you...had she went back over hanging on him again after my statement earlier in the night when she did the first time...I would have kicked her ass!) didn't mean I wanted to be her friend. Seeing her touch him in any way (and vice versa) makes me sick!

More good news from the weekend includes her soon to be ex husband (my dear friend) is talking to me now because I have my own cell phone and he doesn't have to worry about Donny answering it when he calls. He is doing much much better. He seems to now have grip on his anger about things and so I think it is okay to talk to him occassionally. He also came and got their dog the other night...which is a very good thing or it would probably end up dead soon because she never remembers to feed or water it. And she is never home either, well except to sleep!

~Melody

Updating finally...

So once again I have gotten very behind in posting. Mostly because I haven't been feeling that well. I had a wisdom tooth taken out two Thursdays ago...and it really hurt! It was a bottom one and it was only partially through the skin (just in the front part), so they had to cut it and then pulled out. I can finally open my mouth all the way again! LOL. I had the stitches taken out last Thursday. My jaw was very very sore all week.

I am have once again been bleeding very badly. It is very heavy and doesn't seem to want to let up. I have been taking birth control for three weeks but it just seems to have gotten worse in that time. I went for more blood tests to check my thyroid yesterday. If nothing is wrong there I am not sure what they are going to try next. They wanted me to go on the Depo birth control shot and I said no. I think pumping all these combinations of hormones in me may be what got me where I am now. All the meds and stuff I was taken trying to get pregnant may have caused this, so I don't want more. Well I am sure it is some hormone that I need...but all this "here try this and here try this" stuff is likely making it worse. I think they need to try to pinpoint more what hormone I do need...and just give me it! But that's just me...

We are still doing very good. He didn't talk to her for almost two weeks! WOOHOO! I really wish he didn't talk to her at all...but he does occasionally still. I don't worry about him being with her sexually any longer...but I really don't want him to talk to her at all. It brings back bad memories for me when I know they have been together at all. It makes pictures of them together pop back into my head...and they are so hard to get out. I guess two weekends ago she had to see her soon to be ex-husband with another woman at the bar. I heard it was a bad scene. But ya know...I don't feel sorry for her. She wasn't thinking about him when she was having sex with my husband...so now that they are getting a divorce how can she think he is going to not be with anyone else?? Honestly it would have served her right if he had said he want to work on things with her...and then went screwing around on her. Ooops that slipped out...I shouldn't think evil things like that. I just wish he hadn't ever had an affair. It's so hard to get out of my head. I guess that is why so many couples divorce after an affair. But divorce is definitely not something I want to do! I love him with all my heart and I believe he loves me too. He was somewhat confused...and very selfish when he had the affair. And now he has his head on straight and is planning his future with me....and no one else. If I could have selective amnesia I would wipe out all memories of the affair. I can't stand something setting off the memories of how it...because then I can see the two of them having sex and it is something that takes a long time to get back out of my head. I never actually saw them...but I can so see it so clearly in my mind. How does one make that scene go away and never come back?

~Melody

Feeling better now...

Well because of how I was feeling yesterday, I decided to go home and talk to him about it. It went very well. He was very understanding (as he really should be anyways) and I could tell he was very honest with me.

The first thing I discussed with him was the fact that he had said early on in one of the conversations after the affair came out, that he wasn't in love with me anymore. That he still loved me and always would, but that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. He said he was confused at that time and thought because the butterflies and newness of our relationship had faded that meant he wasn't in love with me anymore. But he now realizes that isn't true. That even though he doesn't feel those butterflies that doesn't mean we aren't in love. What makes us in love is the fact that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Like when he thinks about dying...it is me he wants by his side taking care of him. It is me he wants to have babies with...etc. He also said that he hit the jackpot with me and he knows it. He said that he can take any woman he meets or talks to and find something wrong with her. But with me he can't. He said "You are beautiful. You are so smart. You have common sense. You have a big heart. And you don't put up a front when you first meet people, when they meet you-they are really meeting you." He said he is lucky to still have me and he knows that. He said while he was living with her for those five days he found himself thinking things like this often "Mel wouldn't have said that" "Mel doesn't do it that way" "Mel would never do that" etc. So basically he did miss me while he was gone, he just had to admit that to himself...and of course to me too.

The second thing was the fact that he had also made a statement about when we got married I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but that was before he met her. He said he does know now that no matter who he meets from now on...he will never change his mind about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. I am his wife and that is how he always wants it to be. He never wants to be with anyone else. And his reasons obviously tie back with the above paragraph. He regrets the affair because of what it took from our relationship...how it has made me feel. That it can probably never be exactly the way it was before. And I think he is probably right. But I know it can be very close to the way it was before. We will regain the trust eventually. Time does truly heal all.

So I am at peace with a lot of the thoughts that were trying to consume my mind. I can admit there will be times when I get paranoid and wonder if he is doing it again...but I know that will fade with time. And since I know we have all the time we need to get there, it will be okay.

~Melody