Feelings that sneak up on you...

It's weird how feelings can just sneak up on you. Just when you think you have a grip on things...wham...something knocks the wind out of you. Take today for instance. I decided to use my latest toy (yes, finally I have a cell phone) to get in touch with her Husband. I texted him a simple message..."Just wanted to say hi. I miss U." Which started a chain of messages back and forth throughout the afternoon...and then one this evening. I know he has a new g/f (the divorce will be final soon and since she has cheated on him multiple times-who can blame him) and her name is Melanie. Which has caused a bit of confusion on his part when it comes to text messages. When I first texted him today he thought I was her...and I could tell. I quickly let him know it was me! My last message to him on my way home from work was "I am glad u are happy. U deserve it! But I do miss u." To which he replies this evening..."I know u do, I miss u too. And thanx for being happy for me." I found myself feeling very sad. And a little later I found myself crying. Crying for one of the sweetest guys I have ever met...crying for the friendship that we once had. Yeah we can still be friends...but it can't be the same now. When we are together we will always remember what was taken from us by our spouses. I will always know the pain my husband caused him. He thought my husband was his best friend...and so did I. Sometimes I wonder if I can even look him in the eyes. I don't know if I can stand to see the pain I know I will see...the pain we will reflect in each other's eyes. I just want to see him...to run to him...to hold him and cry with him. Only he can truly feel my pain in this situation. The four of us were this unit before the affair. Always together in some way. Not a day went by that we didn't all talk at least a few minutes. Now all that is left is what Donny and I have put back together. Which is going wonderful. Each day we grow stronger. I live for the day that I don't have to look outside and know that she is across the street, I live for the day that we can go the entire day without a thought of her. We talk a lot and talk through a lot. I feel secure with our relationship...but I still find those thoughts sneaking in my mind...thoughts of doubt. I am usually quick to put them at rest...and if I can't do it alone...I go talk to him about them and we put them to rest alone. I really can't wait until they don't sneak in my head anymore.

Donny went over there on Thursday. He pissed her off and swears he is never going over there again. But he has said that before, so honestly I can't believe him this time. I guess she was going on about how depressing her life is. About her Christmas tree still being up, her house being a mess, not having any money etc. And he told her he wasn't going to baby her about those things. That it is her choice for things to be that way. That she is the one that hasn't taken down her tree, she is the one that doesn't clean her house, she is the one that would rather sleep and drink all day and night instead of getting another job to have more money...etc. So she got pissed and told him to get the fuck out. So he swears he is done being her friend and is never going over there again...wait he promised. But honestly I don't believe him. That is probably wrong...but he has said it before. So I am not going to celebrate so soon. Oh and she actually told him that she didn't think it was fair that he didn't lose anything over the affair and she lost everything. WTF? She said he still has his wife and his happy marriage...plus he got a new truck. How does she figure he didn't lose anything? I guess she conveniently forgot about the fights she witnessed between he and I during the first couple of weeks after the affair came out. I guess she thinks I am more forgiving than I am...because he has lost plenty. He lost my trust...he lost respect from me, from our families, from our friends, shoot even from some of his co-workers. I am sure he even lost respect for himself. The difference between him and her is how they handled it after it was out. He tried to put things back together...to show me that he wanted to save our marriage. She continued to show her husband that she wasn't going to change. I really think he would have given her another chance had she straightened her shit up right away. But instead she had Donny come live with her...and then when he came home, she continued drinking every night and having guys over all the time. So he saw she wasn't going to change...and thus ended things for good.

He wants to go out Wednesday night with a buddy from work...without me. Not because he doesn't want me around...but because I have to work Thursday morning and they don't so they don't want to have to go home early because of me. I am not sure I am ready for him to go out to a bar without me. I am not sure I trust him enough...not so much because it is a bar and he is without me...but because I know she goes out to the bars everynight...and I won't be there to keep her away from him. And I will sit here at home just imagining the worst. And I don't know how to stop that. I thought about telling him he can go out til midnight or something like that. A compromise so to speak. Because I know I won't be able to sleep until he is home...so midnight won't kill me. I don't want him to think I don't trust him...but truthfully I am not ready to trust him that much. YKWIM? UGH...this is so hard....

Well it's almost 10:30 and I need to get our lunches made yet...so best end for now. Hopefully I can put these thoughts of her husband (my friend I miss so much), her (someone I thought was my friend), and everything out of my head so I can sleep. Well I hear Donny snoring...so best go wake him up LOL. night night...

~Melody