Why?

Why is that even though we are doing so good...I can't keep from being completely happy. Take Valentine's Day...he takes me out for supper. As we are waiting for our supper we are talking. I mentioned that it has now been over two months since D-Day (discovery day...when I confronted him about the affair). He says to me once again how sorry he is...how much he loves me...and how he always wants to be with me. But instead of just enjoying hearing him say that...I hear myself saying "Well you always said that before too...but then you decided you wanted to be with her and you left me for a week." To which he replies "But I came back to you". Yeah he did but I had to quickly point out that it was because she kicked him out. And of course I know that wasn't necessary to say because I know that there was a time shortly after that-that he could have went back to her, she would have let him. And truthfully he could probably leave me at any time for her if he wanted. I mean her husband is never coming back. And she is very needy right now...so I am sure she would be estatic if he wanted to move back with her. But he stays with me, taking care of me, loving me. And he did really piss her off last Thursday (not yesterday). Yes, he has still been going to see her on Thursdays. Anyways...she was sitting there feeling sorry for herself...saying how depressing her life is...that her husband is gone, her dog is gone, she has no money, her house is a pigsty, her Christmas tree is still up, she has no friends...etc. And he looked at her and said "I can come over here and be your friend...talk to you about how losing your husband has affected you. But I can't come over here and talk to you about the other things...because all I want to do is kick you in the ass and tell you to do something about them...I will not baby you about them. You choose to not get another job to have more money, you choose to sleep your day away and drink your night away, you choose to not clean your house, you choose to not take your tree down." So she got mad and told him to get the fuck out. He says he is never going over there again. That he doesn't even want to be her friend. All I said was "If you say so. We will see". Well he didn't go over there yesterday. We are going out tomorrow night and will no doubt run in to her at some point...so we will see how that goes.

I know that things are going good...but I am still having troubles with the fact that he had the affair in the first place. And I know I have to work through that...or it will never fully be okay again. I just wish I knew how to keep images of the two of them together out of my mind. Or keep the thoughts that there is a chance he could meet someone else in the future that would cause him to do it to me again. I just want to let it all go and go back to being happy and secure...

~Melody