I'm Back! (Just in time for the weekend!)

I mean it's not like I was on vacation or anything (just too busy to be online much). But I haven't posted for almost two weeks! Well I took my hpt last Saturday and got a BFN. Surprised? No not really. And then AF showed up this week. YUCK! And she's not being kind. You would think being two weeks late she would have at least spared me some agony. So I am going to go back on the Clomid (50 mgs) and just take it every other month and hope that I keep ovulating, but don't thin out my lining. When I am back on regular cycles I will call a new Fertility doctor in Iowa City. I have decided not to go back to my current one. I need to get the last IUI paid for before I have another one done. So maybe mid summer I will try for another one. In the meantime I will just pray that our bodies do on their own what they are supposed to do...you know the sperm will swim and find the egg! LOL.

I am hoping to have a productive weekend. My computer room still needs major organizing. So I am hoping to tackle that project on Saturday. And then on Sunday we will go visit my FIL. His brain tumor has grown and they are talking surgery (which will leave him paralyzed on his left side) or major doses of Radiation. Neither are a great choice to have to make. It makes me very sad. But I just want whatever causes him the least pain...and for the shortest amount of time.

Well I best get back to work (lunch is already over!), if I want to get out of here!

~Melody

My weekend and more...

Well the weekend went by so very fast!! Saturday I got up at a little after 5 am! YIKES! I headed to pick up my sis and nephew and then on to meet my brother, sister-in-law and my other nephew (That was one hour total in driving). Then we all headed on to meet our Dad (another 2 hours). From Dad's we headed to Lincoln, Nebraska (another 2 and half hours) to watch the Red-White Huskers spring training game! It was awesome. It was a record turn out for the Spring training game! And that is so impressive since they had a losing season last season. Shows how dedicated and supportive we Husker fans are! It was a great day and I really enjoyed spending it with my family!

Now if my chart would work as smoothly as my trip did! I am now in CD 35 and according to my chart I am 11 DPO. I am really not positive when I O'd or if I did at all. But if my chart is right...I think it looks pretty good right now. I know it was really up down, up down before it says I O'd but since I O'd it follows a pretty good pattern...well so far anyways. I have two tests sitting in my bathroom cabinet...but I am petrified to take one. I hate not seeing two lines. I am so afraid I have been reading into everything too much. Because I feel good about this cycle yielding a BFP based on symptoms (nausea and dizziness...and some lack of apetite, plus lots of creamy cm)...but then again when I remember that I didn't take Clomid for the last two cycles, I feel like I am having an anno cycle. I just wish if I am not pregnant my period would come, or if I am I wish I would have morning sickness or something I couldn't mistake as something other than a pregnancy symptom. Then I would know for sure! Well anyways...back to trying to stay sane...

~Melody

Frustration...

I am so very frustrated with my cycle right now. I am on CD 30 and from my temp chart I didn't O. I think there is a good possibility I did, but not from looking at my chart. I am still seriously wondering how accurate my BBT is right now. I took my temp with it this morning and it said 96.7 . But when I took my temp with my ear thermometer it said 98.8 in my right ear and 99.1 in my left! I have heard they aren't very accurate. But I did read an online article that said it is but that your left ear seems to be more accurate. Well I temped in both and the left was higher! So who knows. But it is very frustrating. I don't want to test and see a BFN but if AF doesn't come that is the only way to get Provera in order to get AF here! Plus I don't want to test but I don't want to have a 60 day cycle either...so when do I give up and test? Did I mention how very much I hate testing?!?!?! I am so frustrated it is making me tired. I seriously need a nap...

~Melody

Well I got my rest this weekend...

Only because I was sick all weekend! UGH! So I got plenty of sleep! I was very nauseous and dizzy, plus very achey on Friday and Saturday. My stomach didn't hurt but I felt like I had rode way too many carnival rides...and one wrong or too quick move and I would throw up. And forget eating...all food made me want to throw up too! It was horrible. And I was running a fever. My BBT said 100.4 but I am pretty sure it has a low battery and is measuring my temp low, because last week it was giving me several temps that are a lot lower than normal for me. So I am guessing my temp was probably a little higher than 100.4 . On Sunday I had diarrhea for the first half of the day...and was still achey, and a bit nauseous. Plus I still had a fever of around 99 according to my BBT. But I did manage to eat a little supper. Today I woke-up achey and had a horrible headache, and was a bit nauseous. But I just ate lunch (chicken salad sandwich and a bit of potato salad) and I was actually hungry. And so far it is settling okay. No more headache or nausea right now.

I did go to a country music concert the radio station I work for put on Saturday night. Mostly because I really wanted to do my part to help at the show...as well as see the show because it was Sonny Burgess and John Stone. They are two of the nicest guys...they aren't big huge stars yet but I am sure it is their futures. They both have websites if you want to check them out! http://www.sonnyburgess.com/ and http://www.johnwstone.com/ It was hard to get through the whole show and part of the after show...but I made it. Just so I could make sure and get my new CDs and autographs...and well the hugs too! The best part about working at a country music radio station is most of the artists are pretty generous with their hugs! Well I suppose I best get back to work. Hopefully this week will be uneventful...

~Melody

Yeah Right!

Well so much for that relaxing weekend I wanted! Friday night I had supper with husband and had been back about 15 minutes, long enough to change in my pjs and start some laundry. The plan was to sit back with a big bowl a popcorn and watch some Pay-Per-View movies on the satelite with a friend. You know just relax! Well I get this phone call from a friend who works for the guy that my mother-in-law rents her apartment from. And she is asking me if my MIL has a cell phone. And I said no, why? Because her apartment building is on fire! A person's first thought on April Fool's Day is that she is April Fooling me. But noone jokes about something like this. So I hurry and call my husband and let him know I am heading to the town she lives in (also the town I work in and already been to and back that day for work...and it's 35 minutes from my home) to make sure she and our neice got out okay. So I speed over there and find them safe in an ambulance. My MIL is suffering from a bit of shock. But other than that they are okay, physically anyways. They lost everything. So the Red Cross came and gave them vouchers for clothes and food from the Super Walmart. I chose the Super Walmart ten minutes from where I live versus the regular Walmart in the town she lives in, because I figured we could get them more for their money that way. The worst part is our neice started it, not with the intent of burning down the building, but just because she was playing with a lighter while my MIL slept. Since her car keys burned up in the fire I spent all day Saturday running her around and shopping with them. Sunday I was so exhausted but had to get going in the afternoon to head an hour away to see my FIL (they are divorced) about his Will and such, since he might have to have Hospice care in the near future. Right now he isn't doing to bad, but they are afraid that he has cancer somewhere else in his body, besides the brain tumor. So it is hard to say when he might take a sudden turn for the worse. Talk about a stressful weekend! The word relax didn't fit anywhere in it! And so far this week I have not had any relaxation at all! And I am completely wore out!
Well work awaits so I best get at it. My plan for tonight is to basically finally relax some! Just watch TV...

~Melody

So TGIFing today!

I am so glad it is Friday! I am ready to relax and have some fun. Which tonight will be fun and tomorrow should be relaxing. But the only down to this weekend is Sunday. On Sunday we have to meet with my Father-In-Law. We are meeting with him to go over his will and get some things changed into his kids' names. I am guessing since they made it sound so urgent that we get it done this weekend, that he doesn't have long left. I feel like the doctors must have told him to get everything taken care of now. He has been having more seizures and pain. And there isn't much more they can do since they can't operate on the brain tumor. I am very sad, even though I don't want him to be in pain, it is going to be hard to lose him. And what's worse is going to be seeing the pain on his kids' face, especially my dear husband. Losing one's parent is not something you are ever ready for...but it almost seems worse when you are so young yet.

I have also decided to discuss with my husband the need for our Living Wills to be done. After all this with Terri Shiavo, I realize the importance. If she would have had a Living Will, there wouldn't have been any dispute. At this point all I hope is that she indeed didn't suffer (although I find that so hard to believe-starving seems so horrible). Now I just hope her parents can bury her and have a place to go and visit her, so they can deal with their loss. I pray that her husband can give them that. There is always so much in the news...a lot that bothers me when I hear about it. But this really got me. And I know I don't want my parents and husband ever having to battle like hers did. So I am making sure everyone knows what I want...and it is writing. I hope every single person watching or participating in this tragic situation, at least learned how important Living Wills are. Then it won't all be for nothing.

Well I best get back to work. Hopefully 5 comes fast! I am so ready to go home and just sit in front of the TV!

~Melody

Happy Easter!

Wow I can't believe it is almost Easter already! I finally got my Easter cards in the mail today! I am always doing that. I bought them two weeks ago and just mailed them today...two days before Easter! Oh well...they will know I was thinking about them anyways!

Well I pretty much totally recovered from my allergic reaction. My skin is still pretty dry in places and I still haven't recovered my voice fully from the cough and runny nose I got after starting the meds. But I feel great. I didn't get an ultrasound done before AF showed this last time so I am not taking any meds again this cycle. So hopefully in about a week and a half I can go for an ultrasound and get the good news that my lining is back to normal and my cyst is gone. That means I can go back on the meds and plan on an IUI for next cycle!

I am keeping my two older nephews this weekend (they are 7 and almost 3). And having Easter dinner with friends on Sunday. So my weekend will probably go by quickly. I hope that everyone enjoys a wonderful Easter holiday with their families. And I hope that Terri Schiavo has her food tube reinserted or she has passed on to be with God by Easter. She deserves some peace this Easter...

Well the week went by fast and I have tons to get done yet before I leave work today so I best get back to it...

What a crazy last several days!

Okay so Radio Auction is over and I am thinking HOORAY!! I will finally have time to catch up on the boards and the other things I have neglected this last 6 weeks (including my wedding scrapbook). But as fate would have it...I would have a lot more to deal with.

First on Saturday afternoon we find out that my father in law is in the hospital with what they think is blood clots in his legs. It turned out to be fluid, not blood, thankfully. But he can't use his left leg and barely his left arm. They said it is because of the tumor on his brain. He finished his first round of Chemo at the end of January and until he starts his next round (not sure when that is exactly) he will probably very limited to no use of his left side...unless for some miracle the tumor shrinks a bit to relieve the pressure.

Now for me... We went to a wedding on Saturday (4:00 pm) and during the wedding I realized I was scratching my neck and was very warm. Well it got worse when we went to the basement of the church for the reception. The church was very small and had a lot of people, but the basement seemed even more crowded and closed in. Mostly because it is a basement and it had a very very low ceiling. Some of the guys were touching their heads on the ceiling in places! So I thought maybe I was having an anxiety attack because I am claustrophobic. And I felt like I was too closed in. So we politely excused ourselves. Well we went out to supper and the itching spread to my arms and sides. As the night progressed it got worse and soon my scalp, back, chest, and stomach were itching as well. We were at the hospital visiting my father in law and he said I should go down to the emergency room and have it checked out. Well our emergency room coverage isn't the best on our insurance. And I honestly thought it was a reaction to a shirt I borrowed from a friend. My skin looked normal until I scratched it, then it looked like welts. So I wasn't too worried. When I woke-up on Sunday (I got very little sleep from the itching) my legs and feet were now covered as well. But now I was already welted even before I scratched it. By Sunday evening my face and neck were covered as well. My dear husband said that maybe I should go to the emergency room, and I said since it was Sunday night and I made it that long I would just wait until Monday and get a dr. appt. I was unable to get an appt. until 5:00. So I suffered through the horrible itching all day Monday. When I went to the dr. the welts were gone and replaced by small dots. The dr. said it was a bad case of the hives, I was having a allergic reaction to something, and we probably wouldn't be able to pinpoint what. He asked me several questions, like if I had started using some new bath and body product, make-up, cleaning supplies, laundry detergent, or if I had recently ate anything I don't normally eat. No was the answer to all that. And I also was not currently taking any meds either. So he gave me a prescription for Allegra and said in a couple days the itching should subside. I went to work on Tuesday knowing they really needed me to be there. The tiny dots were replaced by big red patches (looked more like burns now) on most of my body, but luckily my face was pretty clear. I wore sweats and a t-shirt to stay cool and keep my clothes from rubbing on my skin. By the end of the work day my feet were really bothering me. I took my shows off and I had reddish purple patches all over my feet. They looked really scarey. And my left foot and ankle were swelled. We went out for supper and by the time we were done eating my face was now covered again. And my whole body felt like it was burning. Plus when I tried to walk the bottom of my feet hurt really bad, like they were bruised. So I headed into the emergency room. My blood pressure was 157 over 113! My normal is 118 over 75 to 80. Plus my heart rate was very elevated and I had a fever. The bottoms of my feet were purple because blood was settling there. The ER dr. asked me all the same questions but one. He asked if I could have been bitten by something. DUH! I remembered that Friday night while I was watching TV I fell asleep and awoke to my thigh itching. When I went to bed I noticed three bumps like mosquito bites on my thigh. I thought it was weird but just went to bed. The next morning the spots weren't raised up and more and they didnt' itch. So I put it out of my mind..until he asked about bug bites. He used a magnifying glass and saw bite marks. I am allergic to household spider bites...which I knew because one time I got bit on my finger and my hand swelled 24 hours later. But I never got hives or anything so I didn't associate this episode with a spider bite. So it turns out the spider must of gotten stuck in my pants as I sleep and freaked out biting me three times. Thus setting off the hives and allergic reaction. They told me had I waited any longer I was heading into Anaphylaxtic shock...and could have died! I had to have a shot of steroids and a shot of benedryl in my hip...and 1000 mg of antibiotic before I left the ER. And now I have to take prednisone, an antibiotic, and carry a epipen with me at all times. Because it could be worse and I could react faster next time I get bit. Plus he thinks I am more than likely allergic to bee and wasp stings as well. I have never been stung my entire life so I don't honestly know. I always had an intense fear of being stung so I steered completely clear of bees and wasps. I had to stay home from work yesterday and keep my feet up so the swelling would go down. Today I feel much better and most of the blotches are gone and I barely itch. My ankles are still a bit swelled but not too bad. I do now have an awful cough and runny nose though. The dr. said I probably was suffering from some cold bug or regular allergies and the allergy meds for the hives were breaking it up. Overall it was a very traumatic experience. And a very itchy 4 days! The dr. said anytime you get a rash on your face you should see a dr. immediately because it is never good. Time is of the essence when it comes to serious allergic reactions. Well that is my long crazy last several days...

~Melody

I honestly didn't mean to desert everyone...

But that is probably what it seems like I have done. Between being swamped from the auction and being sick I haven't even had time to lurk on the boards really. I feel bad about it. I know that they can obviously manage without me...but it is just the fact that they are always there for me and now I am not there for them. I am feeling lots better today. I even finally got to sit down for my entire lunch hour without being interrupted (so far) and wouldn't you know...I can't get the boards to load! UGH!! I just can't win! TGIF!!! Well at least the sun is shining!

In other news...my sister tells me the other day that she thinks she is pregnant again. I am screaming "What are you thinking!" in my head, while I smiley politely and say well you better get to the doctor then. My nephew just turned a year old in November and he is enough of a handful for her. I can't imagine her with another little one so soon. And if I know my sister she is probably already two or three months along. Now if her or her husband worked it wouldn't be near as scarey. But I already worry about them enough. And to add to that my brother and sister-in-law are trying to have another baby too. Of course their little boy is going to be three so age difference isn't an issue, but they can barely afford to support themselves now...let alone another baby. I worry about them too. But I can't afford to help both my brother and my sister, so what do I do?? And my poor nephews...it isn't their fault that their parents don't work. I don't want them to go without. But we honestly can't afford to do much for either of them without hurting ourselves. And I can't do for one and not the other. It is driving me insane. I wish there was more I could do.

I was reminded of a very important thing this last week. Staying in touch with old friends is important, because life is very short. I received a phone call from a close friend of mine on Sunday informing me that her nephew (who I went to school with and was friends with) was in a bad head on collision. He isn't doing well but is hanging in there as of today. I feel horrible because I can't remember the last time I went out of my way to talk to him. And it is sad because he is one of the sweetest, most genuine guys I have ever met. And now I may never have the chance to tell him that. I know life gets busy and crazy...but this just further proves how important reaching out, even just to say hi, to those you care or have cared about is. You never know when they will be gone and you can't tell them what they meant to you. My friend is the kind of guy that whether you only knew him for a minute or ten years...you always remember him. He touches every person he interracts with. He truly has a soul of gold, and now I may never have the chance to have the honor of being around him. So take this message to heart and take the few seconds it takes to reach out to those you haven't be in touch with lately...tell them how much they mean to you. Do what I did...buy a bunch of Easter cards...or even just Thinking of You cards...and drop them in the mail. You will be glad you did.

Well anyways...hopefully I will have a semi-calm weekend.

~Melody

Man this sucks...

First last week everyone here at work was sick and I spent the majority of the week working alone. Which normally wouldn't be too bad except that right now we are smack in the middle of our radio auction and that makes a normal day like 3 or 4 days crammed into one. And now I am sick! I so wanted to stay home today, but there is way to much stuff that I do that would take me longer to explain to someone who doesn't normally do it, than to just do it myself. Besides I know how crazy it is to be trying to handle everything, so I couldn't do that to my boss. She is still trying to get over being sick. I haven't had time to do anything for the last couple weeks. I had so much email I didn't think I could even get through it all. Had to just delete the forwards without reading them. I hate to do that but I have to just to read the actual emails from people. And the boards...I barely have time to update the cycle list on the PCOS board, let alone read or reply to anything else. I miss everyone so much. And I know I am missing out on so much, but I just don't have time to spend my lunch hour catching up anymore (work through lunch most of the time, not on purpose but that is just how it goes). And by the time I get home I just want to get done what I need to and just sit in front of the tv doing nothing the rest of the time (which really isn't long). And now that I am sick, I would just like to sleep all the time. But there isn't enough time! Well anyways that is what is up with me. I really need to get back to work now. Maybe I can cross my fingers and pray hard enough and I can get everything done so I can leave a little early anyways...

Guess who is visiting me??

If you said AF then you guessed right! I am a bit disappointed but not devastated like I have been in the past. I am however hoping that Donny's dream was more of a premonition than just wishful thinking floating around in his sleeping mind. So maybe this time next month I will be on here celebrating a BFP! Hey hoping is what gets us through the day right? Speaking of hoping...I am hoping that since my lining was only 1 when I went for the u/s that it means AF won't be here long this time. I mean at 1 how much can I have to shed??

Wednesday's I have this ritual with a friend of mine. She comes and picks me up and we head into town to have supper and go shopping (and some weeks she gets her nails done). Sometimes it is shopping for necessities and sometimes it is just plain shopping to shop. So last night we go to the mall to get her nails done and we decided to go to the Fashion Bug. On our way back to the exit nearest her vehicle we had to pass Claire's...and to my happy surprise...they are having a sale! 10 items off the sale racks and table for $5!! So I got a new necklace, 4 pairs of earrings, and five new hair clips...all for only 50 cents each!!! And I am talking nice stuff...not the stuff that you are thinking should have been 50 cents to begin with! LOL!! Well lunch is more than over so I best get back to work. Since I am working alone because everyone is sick it is hard to get anything done!

~Melody

I have decided...

That I really like having a blog. I get to get things off my chest, voice opinions, and all that stuff we need to do. I know I can do that on the message boards, but often times I hold back because I don't want to talk about myself and my views all the time. So this way I can talk about it all I want but only people who are interested in what I have to say have to hear it. Well read it I guess! LOL. Is it acceptable to leave comments on someone's blog? I mean I realize you can, but how do you know if the person really wants you to? I don't mind if someone wants to comment on mine. But I am always unsure whether I should comment on someone else's blog or personally email my comment to them. Someone help me?!?!?

Speaking of the boards...I have been mostly just lurking, I am not feeling much like posting these days. I don't really have a reason. Well maybe it's because I am not feeling very postitive when it comes to TTC. And I don't want anyone to be able to get that from anything I type. There are way too many ladies early enough into TTC that they still need that positive attitude and comments, because it is very possible to over come any problems with TTC early on. And I don't want to be the one that makes them feel like it isn't possible. They need to hear success stories...not unsuccess stories. Like ours.

Something you learn...as time goes by it gets less likely. And I am at that point now. I am at the point where I have decided that I have a lot of other things in life to worry about. Yeah I want to be pregnant more than almost anything right now. But I am learning to be grateful for what I have. I have a loving husband, a nice home, a great job, and plenty of friends and family who love me. If a pregnancy isn't in our future then really there isn't anything I can do about it. We have done what is in our power (and pocketbook!) and if it isn't going to work then so be it. Time to concentrate on other things. Like all my unfinished projects! LOL. Not to mention Spring Cleaning is about upon us and I really need to get the house cleaned top to bottom.

Well I best get back to lurking on the boards so I can at least read some posts before my lunch hour is up. Or I might just go ahead and get back to work since I have to leave early today...

~Melody

A dream...

So last night as we are driving home from the wedding my dear sweet husband says to me "Honey don't get your hopes up, but I had a dream. I dreamed that you were pregnant." Now I thought that only women had that dream. I haven't even had the dream that I was pregnant. I have had dream of being in the middle of labor before though. LOL. I think if he would have had that dream he would have called it a nightmare! LMAO. But anyways I thought it was the neatest thing that he dreamed I was pregnant. I guess that means having a baby is most definitely on his mind as much as it is on mine. So it confirms we are most definitely on the same page and have the same amount of desire to have a baby. It is very reassuring actually. But then again I should have already known how much he wanted to be a daddy...becuase when he decides to do something there is nothing halfway about it. Now if his dream would just become a reality very soon!

~Melody

Okay it sounds weird I know...

I went to my stepdad's wedding last night. I know that technically once my stepdad and mom got divorced he was no longer my dad. But considering he and my mom were married for almost 19 years...and I have known his since I was about 6 years old...shutting the door is not acceptable to me. So last night we went to his Valentine's wedding. It was simple and a bit chaotic considering we were joining two families that had pretty much never met. She has five kids (and I am not sure how many grandkids three or four), and there are three of us and three grandkids, so we were a pretty large group for pictures. We couldn't stay long since it was a weeknight and I had to work this morning. They are having a large full reception sometime in May so that family farther away, that couldn't make it for a Monday night wedding, can come. My sister's husband didn't come because he and my stepdad don't get along (I think it is somewhat because my stepdad is only a couple years older than him) so the pictures seemed off balance YKWIM? My nephews were as adorable as ever. I got a big sloppy kiss from my 2 and a half year old nephew when I went to leave. Which is a first for mouth on mouth kiss from him. Usually I just get a kiss on my cheek with much pushing from his daddy to kiss Aunt Melody. LOL. He talks clearer and clearer every day. Take for instance that in the middle of the ceremony he very clearly and loudly says "I have to go pee!". LMAO. My 15 month old nephew just wanted us to put him down. He no doubt was eyeing anything he could get his hands on! And he obviously didn't like the new purple shirt I got my sister for her birthday...he thought it needed a little red...as he reached out and stuck his hand in the red frosting on the cake and then rubbed it on sis's shirt! I just hope it comes out! Poor sis was trying to stay situated in the pictures so that hopefully the red frosting wouldn't show. LOL. All in all the night went well. And of course I am sure I will have to replay every detail I can to my mom. She is pretty unhappy about the whole thing, including us attending. Which is silly since after all she is the one that left him. There are some things in life that I guess are never meant to be understood...

~Melody

I never thought...

That I would enjoy being on a break from the pressures of TTC! I was so devastated when I found out that I had to stop the meds and not schedule anymore IUIs until my lining is thicker and my cyst goes away. But now I am actually enjoying not having to remember to take meds everday, and not having to have sex on a schedule. It's like the pressure is gone and I can breathe again. Not to mention our sex has been awesome. It's like a lot has been lifted off of us. As much as we want to have a baby, I think this break is very good for us. We can sit and rethink what is really the most important thing...and that's us. If we aren't strong and happy, what's the point of having a baby. So I am once again reminded that everything happens for a reason. The thin lining and cyst were what happened and the reason was so that we could get back to enjoying each other! Never underestimate the power of just letting things be as they are meant to be.

Well as far as other life events...I kept both my nephews last week. My brother's boy is going to be 3 this summer and my sister's boy just turned 1 at Thanksgiving. So it was interesting to keep them both all night (the same night!). I had a lot of fun and learned a lot about the difference between the kids those two ages. My older nephew doesn't get in to everything like the younger one...but he doesn't go to bed quite as early either! LOL. On the plus side he sleeps in, the younger one...wakes up early! All in all it was a fun visit and I hope to keep them again soon. My step dad is getting remarried on Monday. It's weird to say that. I can't believe it. He and mom have only been divorced for 10 months! But he says it is because his fiancee is an old girlfriend, not someone he just met. But I mean come on...he hasn't be around her for over 20 years...people change IYKWIM. You can't just pick up how things were 20 years ago! But in order to keep the peace I am not saying anything and I will be attending the ceremony. Which I am sure will make my mom not happy. But geez he has been my stepdad for 20 years.

Well best get off of here so I can get some other stuff done before my lunch break is up...

~Melody

Officially on a break...

Well my ultrasound (last week) said that my lining was once again too thin. So we met with the Fertility Doctor on Monday and he said until it thickens up we aren't having anymore IUIs. Plus I have a large cyst on my right ovary and until it is gone no more IUIs. They said the Clomid (fertility medicine) is what caused my lining to thin. It was 7 when we did the IUI and now it is only 1. So I am off all meds until it thickens again. Hopefully it won't be too long and the lining will be thicker and the cyst gone. I am hoping the cyst doesn't rupture. I have been told that can be pretty painful.

We are in the middle of our Annual Radio Auction at work and that is very time consuming. Some days I don't even remember my own name! LOL. My days are going by quickly on the plus side. Well speaking of time going by quickly...lunch is up. So guess that is it for now...

~Melody

When does it end?

I swear life can't just progress without something bad happening. Can't I just have a peaceful boring week, with nothing out of the ordinary happening. I strive to be boring...but it just doesn't seem to happen!

I was at my brother's yesterday when our dad's (biological) fiance calls to tell us he was rushed to the hospital. She hurriedly tells my brother some details and then he hangs up. Of course he is in shock as he is talking to her so he doesn't ask any questions. So all we know is that he is bleeding down below and is scheduled for surgery today. No idea what kind surgery, what hospital exactly, or even when today. So I am sitting here at work wondering what the hell is going on? I did get an email from her (she actually sent it at almost three am on Sunday) that at least explains what happened better and I know what hospital and room now too. They say he is bleeding from (they think) his kidneys or bladder. He is seeing a urologist. It started off as a bloody nose and then later in the day he saw blood when he went to the bathroom. She says it is really bad bleeding but that they have him on morphine so he isn't having any pain. Somehow that is supposed to be comforting I guess. He doesn't take care of himself like he should. It really bothers me because he has this "when it's my time to go it's my time to go, and there is nothing that can change that" attitude. It's like just because he doesn't care if he dies, then none of us of the rest of us should either. It hurts and I can't seem to make him understand that. I am so afraid they are going to say it's cancer. It's hard enough that my father-in-law has the brain tumor.

On the baby front (or lack of I guess) I have an ultrasound in the morning to check for follicles but I am nervous because my temp dropped way down today and that is an indication of ovulation so I could ovulate today or even tomorrow, which means we would be too late for an IUI this time. I am beginning to think maybe we aren't supposed to have IUIs and maybe it means we should either give up...or have more faith in ourselves to get pregnant.

Tonight we are getting our taxes done and I am praying for a nice return to catch some things up (including medical bills). Last year we were in shock when we ended up not getting a return! Hopefully this year will be better. But anyway that is the joys of my life at the current moment.

Here we go again...

Well AF showed up in all her glory today. :-( I knew she was coming for the last two days but it still hits hard when she finally shows up. So here we go again with the meds. I start the Clomid on Monday and have an ultrasound scheduled for February 1st at 9:30 am to check for follicles. Some days all the meds and temping and thinking about getting pregnant are just exhausting! Some days I want to give up and decide to find something else to focus my time on. But I know that one day I would just be mad at myself for giving up.

Sometimes things in life just don't make sense. Like the fact that we have this friend who found out a few months ago that he was going to be a dad (ex-girlfriend). So they decided they weren't ready to be parents and were going to give it up (I think more that she isn't ready and because she isn't, he isn't because he figures he can't do it alone). So of course Donny and I call him up and offer to adopt him (they know it's a boy). He says he would like that but she is set on using this agency. I wanted to talk to her badly but my only way to her is through him. And he doesn't have a number he can give me or a place to go see her because she doesn't have her own phone or place. He just waits for her to call him. So last night I decided to call him and let him know how badly this is bothering me. That I can't understand why they would give their baby to this agency, thus giving him to strangers, when they could give him to us. That they would always be able to see him and know how he is doing. He just keeps telling me it is her idea. So I tell him I need to talk to her to hear from her why?? And he tells me she is in labor as we speak! I want to just jump in the car and drive to the hospital to see her, but can't because Donny has our car! That and I know it would be rude since she is in labor. So I am thinking of going out tonight (assuming she has had him) and see if I can change her mind, or at least put mine at ease. It is so frustrating to have what seems like a perfect solution for all of us...and not have them see it too! It hurts to have the chance of being a mommy so close...yet so far away! Well hopefully I can at least talk to her....

Disappointment once again...

Well Wednesday I went in for the ultrasound for this cycle. I got lucky in that I got to do the ultrasound locally and not have to travel 2 hours in the crappy crappy weather. But all they found was one large follicle that was 2.5 cm and one that was only 9 mm. My doctor at the fertility clinic said that the big one was too big and the smaller one too small. I can't win! :( Plus he said my uterian lining was too thin. All in all that means no IUI this time. :( Which according to the fertility doctor is probably a good thing because he didn't think I could have made it to his clinic for the IUI because of the weather. To which Donny said to me "I would have gotten us there no matter what...even if we had to leave 6 hours before out appt!". That is my sweet husband! :) It really is disappointing to have to skip a month between the IUIs. But all we can do is hope that February heeds better results.

I never thought that getting pregnant would be this much work. I thought throw away the birth control and wham we would be pg. And here we are in our 25th month of birth control free sex...and no baby. I do good most days, but some days I feel sorry for myself and want to cry all day. I suppose that is normal. But I hate it just the same. I keep thinking that surely it has to get easier...but so far it hasn't. I do know that I am so very lucky to have Donny as my husband. He will do pretty much anything to get pregnant. We'll see what he thinks when I tell him one of my friends offered her egg and body to be a surrogate for us! LOL. I wonder how that works. I mean the fertility doctor told us that we could use a sperm donor (that was when we thought the blunt of the problem was Donny's low count and bad morphology.) but that it had to be anonymous. I wonder if we can just go pay for an IUI with Donny's sperm being inserted in my friend?? Crazy I know...but we really want to be parents. And having a child created by our genes together isn't a necessity to be a parent.

Well to throw an extra monkey wrench in my disorganized life...my home computer is having issues and refuses to load my desktop, so I can't do anything on it. Which means the only time I can put entries here is from work. And the only time I really want to do that is when noone is around (like now). So crossing my fingers that my genious co-worker can fix it for me (when he finally gets here!). I can't even work on my wedding scrapbook, which is my therapy right now! What a bummer! :(

Well guess that is about all of my complaining for now...

Why start a blog?

Well I guess the main reason I started this blog is because I have to have someone to just type and not really care what anyone else thinks of what I say. No worries of offending someone or saying something stupid. YKWIM? I mean if you don't like it you don't have to continue to read it, right?

Okay so here's what's up. We have been TTC for 2 years now without any success what so ever! UGH! And it is so frustrating. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and he has issues with his little swimmers. We had an IUI done last month without success naturally. My period showing up on Christmas morning really sucked! And every since I haven't felt myself. I have cried a lot lately...and most of the time I am not even sure why. And talk about things really ticking me off....if I am not crying I am annoyed or pissed off. Okay I am sure some of it is from all the meds (hormones) that I am taking...but a lot of it just has to be me doing it to myself.

So here we are starting my second round of meds in hopes to do another IUI this time. I almost didn't want to do it again. I mean I got my hopes up enough each month...but after the IUI they were even higher. So I fell even farther when it failed. I find myself asking myself how much more of this I can really take? I obviously don't want to give up on being a mom, but some of the TTC stuff is stressful and just plain torture.

Well anyways I started this blog to help me get all that I am thinking in my head out. So I am sure some posts won't be TTC related...but I am guessing a large amount of them will be...so be patient with me.