The ultrasound was awesome! I can still close my eyes and see our little one moving around on the screen! It was the most breathtaking thing to see and hear! Yes, we saw and heard the heartbeat very clearly! It was 188, likely high because he/she was moving around so much...kicking feet and waving hands. We could make out the hands and feet easily on the screen, but unfortunetly in the pictures she printed it's not so easy...looks more like a blob LOL. He was in more of an awe than I was because he hasn't ever seen an ultrasound, where I have. But it is a lot different when it is of your own baby! We can't wait for the next one at around 18 weeks so we know whether it is a he or she. Oh I am officially due November 25th. The ultrasound dated me from 10.5 weeks to 11 weeks, but she said most measurements were 10.5 weeks. I can't wait to hit 12 weeks, I will relax some. I try not to worry but I do. I try to remind myself that as long as I am taking care of myself, I am taking care of the baby too. But sometimes I find myself thinking I need to be even more cautious of when and what I eat and what I do. But I know in reality I do a good job taking care of myself and that everything will be okay.
I am starting to show already, but I know a lot of that is from being overweight to begin with LOL. Good thing it is summer and I can wear elastic shorts and light weight pants, because several pairs of my jeans are getting snug. They start off okay in the morning, but by midday they are starting to get irritating. So before long I will have to put them in the drawer to stay until after the baby is born. I am walking 1.25 miles a day (well weather permitting...darn rain!)with a friend in hopes of not gaining more weight than I have to. And since I am already over weight I don't actually have to gain too much. And my goal is to gain what they say I need to gain and not more. I think it will be easy, because at this point I crave veggies and some salty foods more than sweets. I figured I would become even more of an ice cream addict, but not so far. I am hooked on tomatoes and plain lay's potato chips...although not necessarily together LOL. Plus any frozen vegetable like corn, califlower, and broccoli. Donny might get his wish, he wants a child that will be a healthy eater and be in shape to play sports like he did! So if I have an increased veggie intake while pregnant...well our child maybe into veggies! LOL.
I think since I will be 12 weeks this weekend I will go ahead and start working some on the nursery. I have tons of boxes of stuff to go through that friends and family have given me over the years (hand me downs from their children), plus things I accumulated doing daycare. I have to decide what I will actually use and get rid of the rest to make room for new stuff. That will be a job in itself. Plus my aunt is coming from Nebraska to visit so I need to get the whole place cleaned up! I better get working....right after I finish making my Mother's day cards...which I need to finish tonight to mail tomorrow!
Well I best get working....
~Melody
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
Back again...
Man I haven't posted in awhile. I don't know how I get so far behind in posting! Things are progressing normally with the pregnancy. I have had a good share of nausea, but luckily it seems to stop at the nausous feeling. I have only actually thrown up a handful of times. And for the last several days the nausea seems to have let up greatly. I do think I have another yeast infection though. UGH! Thursday we have our first u/s (that I had to fight to get!). We are doing it to find out the due date more accurately. But I am hoping that we will get lucky and get to see and hear the heartbeat! Most days I still sit in disbelief that I am finally pregnant. I can't wait until it is more "real" so to speak. And hearing the heartbeat Thursday will really help that.
Donny excitement is building too. Last night he actually kissed my stomach. It was so sweet. We are doing so well. It's hard to believe that just a few short months ago our marriage was on a fine line that either of us could have fallen off of. I guess it totally proves that the affair was a totally selfish act on his part and that it was only about sex. I am thankfully each and every day that we were able to put things back together and continue building our lives together. It just feels so right.
We have discussed names a bit but decided we aren't going to share the names with anyone. Since the sex is something we are going to find out and share we decided something should be a secret...so the name is hush, hush. :) We have decided pretty much on the first name for a boy and the middle name for a girl!
Well I will be sure to post how Thursday goes!
~Melody
Donny excitement is building too. Last night he actually kissed my stomach. It was so sweet. We are doing so well. It's hard to believe that just a few short months ago our marriage was on a fine line that either of us could have fallen off of. I guess it totally proves that the affair was a totally selfish act on his part and that it was only about sex. I am thankfully each and every day that we were able to put things back together and continue building our lives together. It just feels so right.
We have discussed names a bit but decided we aren't going to share the names with anyone. Since the sex is something we are going to find out and share we decided something should be a secret...so the name is hush, hush. :) We have decided pretty much on the first name for a boy and the middle name for a girl!
Well I will be sure to post how Thursday goes!
~Melody
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Wow!!
Okay I am sitting here thinking of how crazy the last four months have been! It was four months ago that I discovered he was having an affair. And now it has been four days since I discovered I am pregnant! I have to say it again..."I AM PREGNANT!" After 3 years and 4 months of not getting pregnant, we had pretty much decided it wasn't going to happen, at least not without some serious medical help. But here I am pregnant...after not having any meds of dr. help for over year! I hadn't even been taking my temperature to see when I ovulated. I honestly didn't figure I have been ovulating with the wacky long periods I have had. I am still in shock and even though I have been to the dr. for a test, that confirmed the HPT results...I still don't think it will really hit me until the first time I hear the heartbeat. He is so thrilled...he is already talking about "if it is a boy this and if it is a girl this". It's so cute.
It all actually started March 20th. I had some spotting and cramping and so I thought I was finally going to start my period...which was late seeing as how my last one had been January 20th. Well it never started. I didn't think too much of it...assuming it would start within a week. Well last week I started feeling nauseous and did throw up supper on Wednesday. So Saturday morning (April Fool's Day!) I took a HPT figuring it would be negative and I would realize I was over analyzing again...even though this time I really felt like it had to be because I was pregnant. But by the time I took the test out of my urine stream to put the cap back on it...the second line was there...darker than the first one. I just stared at it. I thought I was imagining that second line I swear. So I jumped on the bed and startled Donny because he thought I was screaming "Honey-wake up" because he overslept for work! LOL. His first words when he saw the test were "OMG a little Donny!" LMAO! Things have been a blur since Saturday...I know it's early...but we have told all of our family and close friends. We couldn't help it...we have waited so long! I am not sure how far along I am...thus I don't really know a due date. But I think that spotting and cramping on March 20th was probably implantation and if that is the case I am 5 to 6 weeks along. So I am going with the due date of December 3rd for right now. If I go with the January 20th being the first day of my last period...then I would be like 10 weeks and I don't think I am. So basically it looks like we will have to wait for an ultrasound to know for sure. I have have my first OB appointment next Thursday so I bet she will decide when to do the first ultrasound. I know they don't normally do one until like 16 to 18 weeks...but I am hoping she will do one sooner so we can have a more accurate due date. Plus I will just plain feel better. I think I am going to be more nervous with the baby inside me than once it is born.
So anyways...I am going to be a Mommy finally! I am excited to be able to be writing about being pregnant now!
~Melody
It all actually started March 20th. I had some spotting and cramping and so I thought I was finally going to start my period...which was late seeing as how my last one had been January 20th. Well it never started. I didn't think too much of it...assuming it would start within a week. Well last week I started feeling nauseous and did throw up supper on Wednesday. So Saturday morning (April Fool's Day!) I took a HPT figuring it would be negative and I would realize I was over analyzing again...even though this time I really felt like it had to be because I was pregnant. But by the time I took the test out of my urine stream to put the cap back on it...the second line was there...darker than the first one. I just stared at it. I thought I was imagining that second line I swear. So I jumped on the bed and startled Donny because he thought I was screaming "Honey-wake up" because he overslept for work! LOL. His first words when he saw the test were "OMG a little Donny!" LMAO! Things have been a blur since Saturday...I know it's early...but we have told all of our family and close friends. We couldn't help it...we have waited so long! I am not sure how far along I am...thus I don't really know a due date. But I think that spotting and cramping on March 20th was probably implantation and if that is the case I am 5 to 6 weeks along. So I am going with the due date of December 3rd for right now. If I go with the January 20th being the first day of my last period...then I would be like 10 weeks and I don't think I am. So basically it looks like we will have to wait for an ultrasound to know for sure. I have have my first OB appointment next Thursday so I bet she will decide when to do the first ultrasound. I know they don't normally do one until like 16 to 18 weeks...but I am hoping she will do one sooner so we can have a more accurate due date. Plus I will just plain feel better. I think I am going to be more nervous with the baby inside me than once it is born.
So anyways...I am going to be a Mommy finally! I am excited to be able to be writing about being pregnant now!
~Melody
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
A Beautiful Day...
Okay so the title doesn't really have too much to do with the actual blog for the day...but it is really a beautiful day outside. And of course by the time Saturday gets here it will be not so beautiful outside again. The beautiful days are always when I am stuck inside! At least I have huge windows around me too look out while I work.
I have been feeling better lately. I am realizing that I can remind myself about the affair to stay focused on the fact that he did make a mistake and that I need to keep in mind there is always the chance he could do it again, and that while I have to be cautious of that fact...I don't have to let it ruin the happy times we are having. I know that the middle ground has to be where I stay grounded. That yes, he had an affair and it hurt like hell but now he is with me and he is being my husband again. I can believe him when he says he won't ever do it again, while still realizing that I have to protect myself emotionally in case it does happen again. It's like this juggling act that one has to learn to balance. And I am getting better at it!
I still haven't started my period. And I have now moved on to looking my hardest for signs that would indicate I am pregnant and not just suffering from a body that doesn't know what it is doing. I will put myself out of my misery this weekend and take a HPT. I hate spending money on them to just see one line staring back at me...shoot I would hate to see the one single line staring back at me if I got the test for free! But there are certain things in my lifestyle that tell me that I need to know for sure I am not pregnant. Like the fact that I usually take green tea pills to help with my diet and hunger (which I have not been taking in case) and the fact that I am a social drinker (which I too have been avoiding for the last three weeks). I have been letting my mind wonder towards the fact that I could be pregnant...and how things would be. I can see in my mind the moment I see two lines on the HPT and the moment I tell him. I can see everything. And it's probably a bad thing. I am going to get my self all excited and happy only to be disappointed. I mean that is what has happened everytime my period is late...for almost three and a half years now. You would think that a person would get used to it after that long...but you never do.
Onto a happier note...I have been working on a scrapbook for a friend's little baby boy...who was born a couple weeks ago and is hopefully out of the hospital today!! He was born a bit preemie...he weighed over five pounds but his lungs needed some help at first. I have been buying stuff off of Ebay to make his book and I am so excited to be getting the last of the stuff I bought-hopefully by this weekend. My plan is to work on it Saturday. I really need to get it done and to them...since they no doubt already have a bunch of pictures they are ready to put in it!!! Plus I need to get it done so I can get back to my wedding book!!
So what do you think about my new blog set-up? I have been having fun with graphics lately on the message boards so I thought I would try to figure out how to use HTML to liven up my blog. I am pretty proud of it so far....
~Melody
I have been feeling better lately. I am realizing that I can remind myself about the affair to stay focused on the fact that he did make a mistake and that I need to keep in mind there is always the chance he could do it again, and that while I have to be cautious of that fact...I don't have to let it ruin the happy times we are having. I know that the middle ground has to be where I stay grounded. That yes, he had an affair and it hurt like hell but now he is with me and he is being my husband again. I can believe him when he says he won't ever do it again, while still realizing that I have to protect myself emotionally in case it does happen again. It's like this juggling act that one has to learn to balance. And I am getting better at it!
I still haven't started my period. And I have now moved on to looking my hardest for signs that would indicate I am pregnant and not just suffering from a body that doesn't know what it is doing. I will put myself out of my misery this weekend and take a HPT. I hate spending money on them to just see one line staring back at me...shoot I would hate to see the one single line staring back at me if I got the test for free! But there are certain things in my lifestyle that tell me that I need to know for sure I am not pregnant. Like the fact that I usually take green tea pills to help with my diet and hunger (which I have not been taking in case) and the fact that I am a social drinker (which I too have been avoiding for the last three weeks). I have been letting my mind wonder towards the fact that I could be pregnant...and how things would be. I can see in my mind the moment I see two lines on the HPT and the moment I tell him. I can see everything. And it's probably a bad thing. I am going to get my self all excited and happy only to be disappointed. I mean that is what has happened everytime my period is late...for almost three and a half years now. You would think that a person would get used to it after that long...but you never do.
Onto a happier note...I have been working on a scrapbook for a friend's little baby boy...who was born a couple weeks ago and is hopefully out of the hospital today!! He was born a bit preemie...he weighed over five pounds but his lungs needed some help at first. I have been buying stuff off of Ebay to make his book and I am so excited to be getting the last of the stuff I bought-hopefully by this weekend. My plan is to work on it Saturday. I really need to get it done and to them...since they no doubt already have a bunch of pictures they are ready to put in it!!! Plus I need to get it done so I can get back to my wedding book!!
So what do you think about my new blog set-up? I have been having fun with graphics lately on the message boards so I thought I would try to figure out how to use HTML to liven up my blog. I am pretty proud of it so far....
~Melody
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Time flies by...
Wow! I can't believe how much time has gone by since I blogged last! Life has been moving along without any major bumps. I am happy to report that she has not been staying at her place for about 6 weeks now. It has been awesome not seeing her. But I did keep holding my breath as I turned the corner whenever I came home, thinking one day her car would be there. But the really great news is that she has been moving stuff out for the last week or so. I haven't seen her but I can see truck tire tracks up to the door. Two nights ago the guy she has been seeing (and now staying with) since Donny came back home, showed up and met the Rent-A-Center guys so they could get the refrigerator out. So now I really feel like she is going to be gone for good shortly. It's such a wonderful feeling to know I can go home and not have to worry about seeing her across the street. It's probably a good thing for her as well...because lately I have been feeling some major anger towards her. Many would say finally, and I would have to agree. Now I just want to tell her what a horrible friend she is...what a horrible wife she was...and how she deserves to be alone. I want to make her feel the pain she made me feel, although I wonder if she is even capable of feeling pain. Her divorce is final...lucky for him! Now he can move on and be happy. I have talked to him once and awhile...mostly on text messages...he already seems a million times happier!
I am having one problem these days. Things have been going wonderful with us. I mean he is totally open about everything and is treating me like he did before the affair. But for some reason I keep making myself think about the affair. I think it is because I feel like I am moving on too quickly. Like I am letting life go back to the way it was before the affair without dealing with the affair. Oh, it's so hard to explain. I mean we have discussed why the affair happened, how wrong it was, how to keep it from happening again etc. But I feel like we have just erased that period of time and then removed it from our life...pasting our life before the affair together with life now...so it is like it never happened. I feel good about us...but I wondered if it is wrong to let life go on so easily. I don't know if I want to keep remembering it so that I don't forget he is capable of hurting me and being so deceitful or if it is because I want him to keep remembering how he hurt me and make him continuely realize how lucky he is that I didn't leave him. Either way I am sure it's not healthy. I truely believe we have saved our marriage. But now I just have to figure out how to file the affair in our life experiences and let it go enough to feel good without letting go so much that it happens again. There has to be a middle to how to move on from it without acting like it never happened.
Moving on...I could be feeling so crazy and hormonal because my body is so messed up. I mean it has been like 94 days or something like that since I actually started a new cycle...so this cycle has drug on for over 3 months. I had the D&C in November and then about six weeks later I started bleeding, which would be the start of a new cycle...well I bled for like 18 days and then stopped for 5 days and then bled for another 25 and haven't since then. It's crazy. This whole week I keep think I am going to start my period...but it hasn't. It started with some light spotting and then I had cramps with it. Well the cramps have came and went several times...but no more spotting for two days. It's so weird. I just wish it would start! I know that we haven't been actively trying to get pregnant since the affair...but it is still a disappointment to have to think about the fact that I can't get pregnant. I mean we haven't used anything to stop it from happening. It's hurts to think it has been three years and three months of using nothing to prevent pregnancy and we haven't ever gotten pregnant. I sit here today thinking two completely opposite thoughts. The first being I hope I don't start bleeding because maybe I am pregnant...and the other being come on just start bleeding so I can start a new cycle and so I know I am not pregnant, so I can quit wondering. I hate not knowing for sure. I mean I am fairly certain the likelihood I am pregnant is almost zero. But there is still this thread of hope I am hanging on to. It's about to drive me crazy....
Well I really should get back to work for now....
~Melody
I am having one problem these days. Things have been going wonderful with us. I mean he is totally open about everything and is treating me like he did before the affair. But for some reason I keep making myself think about the affair. I think it is because I feel like I am moving on too quickly. Like I am letting life go back to the way it was before the affair without dealing with the affair. Oh, it's so hard to explain. I mean we have discussed why the affair happened, how wrong it was, how to keep it from happening again etc. But I feel like we have just erased that period of time and then removed it from our life...pasting our life before the affair together with life now...so it is like it never happened. I feel good about us...but I wondered if it is wrong to let life go on so easily. I don't know if I want to keep remembering it so that I don't forget he is capable of hurting me and being so deceitful or if it is because I want him to keep remembering how he hurt me and make him continuely realize how lucky he is that I didn't leave him. Either way I am sure it's not healthy. I truely believe we have saved our marriage. But now I just have to figure out how to file the affair in our life experiences and let it go enough to feel good without letting go so much that it happens again. There has to be a middle to how to move on from it without acting like it never happened.
Moving on...I could be feeling so crazy and hormonal because my body is so messed up. I mean it has been like 94 days or something like that since I actually started a new cycle...so this cycle has drug on for over 3 months. I had the D&C in November and then about six weeks later I started bleeding, which would be the start of a new cycle...well I bled for like 18 days and then stopped for 5 days and then bled for another 25 and haven't since then. It's crazy. This whole week I keep think I am going to start my period...but it hasn't. It started with some light spotting and then I had cramps with it. Well the cramps have came and went several times...but no more spotting for two days. It's so weird. I just wish it would start! I know that we haven't been actively trying to get pregnant since the affair...but it is still a disappointment to have to think about the fact that I can't get pregnant. I mean we haven't used anything to stop it from happening. It's hurts to think it has been three years and three months of using nothing to prevent pregnancy and we haven't ever gotten pregnant. I sit here today thinking two completely opposite thoughts. The first being I hope I don't start bleeding because maybe I am pregnant...and the other being come on just start bleeding so I can start a new cycle and so I know I am not pregnant, so I can quit wondering. I hate not knowing for sure. I mean I am fairly certain the likelihood I am pregnant is almost zero. But there is still this thread of hope I am hanging on to. It's about to drive me crazy....
Well I really should get back to work for now....
~Melody
Friday, February 17, 2006
Why?
Why is that even though we are doing so good...I can't keep from being completely happy. Take Valentine's Day...he takes me out for supper. As we are waiting for our supper we are talking. I mentioned that it has now been over two months since D-Day (discovery day...when I confronted him about the affair). He says to me once again how sorry he is...how much he loves me...and how he always wants to be with me. But instead of just enjoying hearing him say that...I hear myself saying "Well you always said that before too...but then you decided you wanted to be with her and you left me for a week." To which he replies "But I came back to you". Yeah he did but I had to quickly point out that it was because she kicked him out. And of course I know that wasn't necessary to say because I know that there was a time shortly after that-that he could have went back to her, she would have let him. And truthfully he could probably leave me at any time for her if he wanted. I mean her husband is never coming back. And she is very needy right now...so I am sure she would be estatic if he wanted to move back with her. But he stays with me, taking care of me, loving me. And he did really piss her off last Thursday (not yesterday). Yes, he has still been going to see her on Thursdays. Anyways...she was sitting there feeling sorry for herself...saying how depressing her life is...that her husband is gone, her dog is gone, she has no money, her house is a pigsty, her Christmas tree is still up, she has no friends...etc. And he looked at her and said "I can come over here and be your friend...talk to you about how losing your husband has affected you. But I can't come over here and talk to you about the other things...because all I want to do is kick you in the ass and tell you to do something about them...I will not baby you about them. You choose to not get another job to have more money, you choose to sleep your day away and drink your night away, you choose to not clean your house, you choose to not take your tree down." So she got mad and told him to get the fuck out. He says he is never going over there again. That he doesn't even want to be her friend. All I said was "If you say so. We will see". Well he didn't go over there yesterday. We are going out tomorrow night and will no doubt run in to her at some point...so we will see how that goes.
I know that things are going good...but I am still having troubles with the fact that he had the affair in the first place. And I know I have to work through that...or it will never fully be okay again. I just wish I knew how to keep images of the two of them together out of my mind. Or keep the thoughts that there is a chance he could meet someone else in the future that would cause him to do it to me again. I just want to let it all go and go back to being happy and secure...
~Melody
I know that things are going good...but I am still having troubles with the fact that he had the affair in the first place. And I know I have to work through that...or it will never fully be okay again. I just wish I knew how to keep images of the two of them together out of my mind. Or keep the thoughts that there is a chance he could meet someone else in the future that would cause him to do it to me again. I just want to let it all go and go back to being happy and secure...
~Melody
Monday, February 13, 2006
Feelings that sneak up on you...
It's weird how feelings can just sneak up on you. Just when you think you have a grip on things...wham...something knocks the wind out of you. Take today for instance. I decided to use my latest toy (yes, finally I have a cell phone) to get in touch with her Husband. I texted him a simple message..."Just wanted to say hi. I miss U." Which started a chain of messages back and forth throughout the afternoon...and then one this evening. I know he has a new g/f (the divorce will be final soon and since she has cheated on him multiple times-who can blame him) and her name is Melanie. Which has caused a bit of confusion on his part when it comes to text messages. When I first texted him today he thought I was her...and I could tell. I quickly let him know it was me! My last message to him on my way home from work was "I am glad u are happy. U deserve it! But I do miss u." To which he replies this evening..."I know u do, I miss u too. And thanx for being happy for me." I found myself feeling very sad. And a little later I found myself crying. Crying for one of the sweetest guys I have ever met...crying for the friendship that we once had. Yeah we can still be friends...but it can't be the same now. When we are together we will always remember what was taken from us by our spouses. I will always know the pain my husband caused him. He thought my husband was his best friend...and so did I. Sometimes I wonder if I can even look him in the eyes. I don't know if I can stand to see the pain I know I will see...the pain we will reflect in each other's eyes. I just want to see him...to run to him...to hold him and cry with him. Only he can truly feel my pain in this situation. The four of us were this unit before the affair. Always together in some way. Not a day went by that we didn't all talk at least a few minutes. Now all that is left is what Donny and I have put back together. Which is going wonderful. Each day we grow stronger. I live for the day that I don't have to look outside and know that she is across the street, I live for the day that we can go the entire day without a thought of her. We talk a lot and talk through a lot. I feel secure with our relationship...but I still find those thoughts sneaking in my mind...thoughts of doubt. I am usually quick to put them at rest...and if I can't do it alone...I go talk to him about them and we put them to rest alone. I really can't wait until they don't sneak in my head anymore.
Donny went over there on Thursday. He pissed her off and swears he is never going over there again. But he has said that before, so honestly I can't believe him this time. I guess she was going on about how depressing her life is. About her Christmas tree still being up, her house being a mess, not having any money etc. And he told her he wasn't going to baby her about those things. That it is her choice for things to be that way. That she is the one that hasn't taken down her tree, she is the one that doesn't clean her house, she is the one that would rather sleep and drink all day and night instead of getting another job to have more money...etc. So she got pissed and told him to get the fuck out. So he swears he is done being her friend and is never going over there again...wait he promised. But honestly I don't believe him. That is probably wrong...but he has said it before. So I am not going to celebrate so soon. Oh and she actually told him that she didn't think it was fair that he didn't lose anything over the affair and she lost everything. WTF? She said he still has his wife and his happy marriage...plus he got a new truck. How does she figure he didn't lose anything? I guess she conveniently forgot about the fights she witnessed between he and I during the first couple of weeks after the affair came out. I guess she thinks I am more forgiving than I am...because he has lost plenty. He lost my trust...he lost respect from me, from our families, from our friends, shoot even from some of his co-workers. I am sure he even lost respect for himself. The difference between him and her is how they handled it after it was out. He tried to put things back together...to show me that he wanted to save our marriage. She continued to show her husband that she wasn't going to change. I really think he would have given her another chance had she straightened her shit up right away. But instead she had Donny come live with her...and then when he came home, she continued drinking every night and having guys over all the time. So he saw she wasn't going to change...and thus ended things for good.
He wants to go out Wednesday night with a buddy from work...without me. Not because he doesn't want me around...but because I have to work Thursday morning and they don't so they don't want to have to go home early because of me. I am not sure I am ready for him to go out to a bar without me. I am not sure I trust him enough...not so much because it is a bar and he is without me...but because I know she goes out to the bars everynight...and I won't be there to keep her away from him. And I will sit here at home just imagining the worst. And I don't know how to stop that. I thought about telling him he can go out til midnight or something like that. A compromise so to speak. Because I know I won't be able to sleep until he is home...so midnight won't kill me. I don't want him to think I don't trust him...but truthfully I am not ready to trust him that much. YKWIM? UGH...this is so hard....
Well it's almost 10:30 and I need to get our lunches made yet...so best end for now. Hopefully I can put these thoughts of her husband (my friend I miss so much), her (someone I thought was my friend), and everything out of my head so I can sleep. Well I hear Donny snoring...so best go wake him up LOL. night night...
~Melody
Donny went over there on Thursday. He pissed her off and swears he is never going over there again. But he has said that before, so honestly I can't believe him this time. I guess she was going on about how depressing her life is. About her Christmas tree still being up, her house being a mess, not having any money etc. And he told her he wasn't going to baby her about those things. That it is her choice for things to be that way. That she is the one that hasn't taken down her tree, she is the one that doesn't clean her house, she is the one that would rather sleep and drink all day and night instead of getting another job to have more money...etc. So she got pissed and told him to get the fuck out. So he swears he is done being her friend and is never going over there again...wait he promised. But honestly I don't believe him. That is probably wrong...but he has said it before. So I am not going to celebrate so soon. Oh and she actually told him that she didn't think it was fair that he didn't lose anything over the affair and she lost everything. WTF? She said he still has his wife and his happy marriage...plus he got a new truck. How does she figure he didn't lose anything? I guess she conveniently forgot about the fights she witnessed between he and I during the first couple of weeks after the affair came out. I guess she thinks I am more forgiving than I am...because he has lost plenty. He lost my trust...he lost respect from me, from our families, from our friends, shoot even from some of his co-workers. I am sure he even lost respect for himself. The difference between him and her is how they handled it after it was out. He tried to put things back together...to show me that he wanted to save our marriage. She continued to show her husband that she wasn't going to change. I really think he would have given her another chance had she straightened her shit up right away. But instead she had Donny come live with her...and then when he came home, she continued drinking every night and having guys over all the time. So he saw she wasn't going to change...and thus ended things for good.
He wants to go out Wednesday night with a buddy from work...without me. Not because he doesn't want me around...but because I have to work Thursday morning and they don't so they don't want to have to go home early because of me. I am not sure I am ready for him to go out to a bar without me. I am not sure I trust him enough...not so much because it is a bar and he is without me...but because I know she goes out to the bars everynight...and I won't be there to keep her away from him. And I will sit here at home just imagining the worst. And I don't know how to stop that. I thought about telling him he can go out til midnight or something like that. A compromise so to speak. Because I know I won't be able to sleep until he is home...so midnight won't kill me. I don't want him to think I don't trust him...but truthfully I am not ready to trust him that much. YKWIM? UGH...this is so hard....
Well it's almost 10:30 and I need to get our lunches made yet...so best end for now. Hopefully I can put these thoughts of her husband (my friend I miss so much), her (someone I thought was my friend), and everything out of my head so I can sleep. Well I hear Donny snoring...so best go wake him up LOL. night night...
~Melody
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
The nerve of her....
So this last weekend (2/4) was an interesting one. I found my anger coming back out. I have been pretty good through it all. I mean I haven't been nasty to her...I think mean hateful things about her...and even say them to my friends, but I have not actually said anything mean to her. Nor have I treated her badly. But I made very clear we could never be friends again. I mean that is a no brainer anyways. How would one be friends again with the person who had an affair with their husband?? (when you see her or she in bold...that is me refering to the one he had an affair with in the nicest way I can...I know many other words I would like to use to refer to her)
Well anyway...an old friend of mine is back in the area and came to stay at our place. So we (her, I, and Donny) decided to go out Saturday night. We went to basically the most popular bar. And we knew at some point she would end up there, she goes there about every night. Well my friend was happy about that because she wanted to see her. We were having a good time and Donny was talking to guys from work and stuff. Well he headed to the bathroom and was gone awhile. No big deal really I was just wondering where he was...my friend points out where he is and he is at a table talking to a woman and a guy (who have their backs to me). I didn't think much of it and went back to the conversation we were having. Then suddenly someone has their arm around me...and it is her. She says "Hi Mel." I was like "Hi" (thinking what the fuck does she want). Then she says "Well I just wanted to say hi" and walks away. It is then I discover that is who Donny was talking to. No big deal because her guy friend (who she swears is only a friend) was with her, and Donny and I both like him. My friend wanted to know who she was and I told her that is the one. Well her and her guy friend make their way to a table next to ours and he says he is getting the rest of our drinks. Well who am I to turn down free drinks? Well actually I pretty much did...because one of us had to drive home. So I just sipped a couple beers and had a couple other drinks through out the whole time (we were there for 4 hours total).
What turned out to be pretty funny about the whole thing was that her guy friend was totally taken with my friend. I mean he almost totally ignored her and was all over my friend, who let him just because she knew it was bothering her. And she wanted to make her suffer in any way she could. I couldn't believe how into my friend he was...he didn't even pay attention to the guys that were hanging all over her. Normally he is very protective of her...not letting any guys touch her. But not that night. At one point I was talking to my friend and I noticed that Donny was talking to some guys from work. Well all the sudden she is there hanging herself on him. He didn't appear to really notice her, he was talking to the guys. But I was like no freaking way...so I grabbed the back of his shirt and jerked him clear away from her. I looked at him and said "Basically any freaking woman in this entire bar can touch you or hang on you...but her!! He said okay...I am sorry it won't happen again. He didn't even look at her or anything, he just walked around the otherside from where he was standing...and she still was...and went back to talking to the guys from work. You could tell it really pissed her off that he didn't try to defend her or tell me I was wrong. So here she was...being ignored by Donny and her guy friend. So miss drama queen...miss center of attention...decides to make a huge scene by pretending she is passing out. Her guy friend was too drunk and couldn't hold her up...so he asked for our help. Well as much as I didn't want to touch her or help her...I didn't want him to get hurt...and I certainly didn't want Donny touching her to help. So both I and my friend tried to get her to let us help her out of the bar (we were on the second floor and it was now closing time). Well even though she was supposed to basically be passed out...she wouldn't let anyone touch her or help her but her guy friend or Donny. Well she made her guy friend fall and hit his face on the edge of the pool table...because he was too drunk to hold his weight and hers. So Donny jumped in to help. Then a couple bouncers did. They said they would carry her down the stairs and out to the car. She wouldn't let go of Donny. She had her arms around his neck and her hands clenched together. So he ended up helping her down the stairs. I was so pissed. I was yelling at him to let go of her and he wouldn't....well a lot because she wouldn't let go of him. I know every that was behind us trying to get down the stairs thought I was crazy. I was yelling and trying to pry her hands off of him. But ya know...seeing her arms around his neck and his hands on her (it was her bare skin because her skimpy little shirt got pushed up in the process of everyone trying to keep her upright) just made me see them naked together having sex...and I went crazy. It wasn't until the next day when we woke up that he understood why it was wrong and why I reacted the way I did. If he hadn't been drunk I am sure he would have understood the moment it was happening. It's a good thing we don't go out often and get drunk. I just can't believe that she thought she could act like we all used to before the affair. Just because I haven't kicked her ass (and let me tell you...had she went back over hanging on him again after my statement earlier in the night when she did the first time...I would have kicked her ass!) didn't mean I wanted to be her friend. Seeing her touch him in any way (and vice versa) makes me sick!
More good news from the weekend includes her soon to be ex husband (my dear friend) is talking to me now because I have my own cell phone and he doesn't have to worry about Donny answering it when he calls. He is doing much much better. He seems to now have grip on his anger about things and so I think it is okay to talk to him occassionally. He also came and got their dog the other night...which is a very good thing or it would probably end up dead soon because she never remembers to feed or water it. And she is never home either, well except to sleep!
~Melody
Well anyway...an old friend of mine is back in the area and came to stay at our place. So we (her, I, and Donny) decided to go out Saturday night. We went to basically the most popular bar. And we knew at some point she would end up there, she goes there about every night. Well my friend was happy about that because she wanted to see her. We were having a good time and Donny was talking to guys from work and stuff. Well he headed to the bathroom and was gone awhile. No big deal really I was just wondering where he was...my friend points out where he is and he is at a table talking to a woman and a guy (who have their backs to me). I didn't think much of it and went back to the conversation we were having. Then suddenly someone has their arm around me...and it is her. She says "Hi Mel." I was like "Hi" (thinking what the fuck does she want). Then she says "Well I just wanted to say hi" and walks away. It is then I discover that is who Donny was talking to. No big deal because her guy friend (who she swears is only a friend) was with her, and Donny and I both like him. My friend wanted to know who she was and I told her that is the one. Well her and her guy friend make their way to a table next to ours and he says he is getting the rest of our drinks. Well who am I to turn down free drinks? Well actually I pretty much did...because one of us had to drive home. So I just sipped a couple beers and had a couple other drinks through out the whole time (we were there for 4 hours total).
What turned out to be pretty funny about the whole thing was that her guy friend was totally taken with my friend. I mean he almost totally ignored her and was all over my friend, who let him just because she knew it was bothering her. And she wanted to make her suffer in any way she could. I couldn't believe how into my friend he was...he didn't even pay attention to the guys that were hanging all over her. Normally he is very protective of her...not letting any guys touch her. But not that night. At one point I was talking to my friend and I noticed that Donny was talking to some guys from work. Well all the sudden she is there hanging herself on him. He didn't appear to really notice her, he was talking to the guys. But I was like no freaking way...so I grabbed the back of his shirt and jerked him clear away from her. I looked at him and said "Basically any freaking woman in this entire bar can touch you or hang on you...but her!! He said okay...I am sorry it won't happen again. He didn't even look at her or anything, he just walked around the otherside from where he was standing...and she still was...and went back to talking to the guys from work. You could tell it really pissed her off that he didn't try to defend her or tell me I was wrong. So here she was...being ignored by Donny and her guy friend. So miss drama queen...miss center of attention...decides to make a huge scene by pretending she is passing out. Her guy friend was too drunk and couldn't hold her up...so he asked for our help. Well as much as I didn't want to touch her or help her...I didn't want him to get hurt...and I certainly didn't want Donny touching her to help. So both I and my friend tried to get her to let us help her out of the bar (we were on the second floor and it was now closing time). Well even though she was supposed to basically be passed out...she wouldn't let anyone touch her or help her but her guy friend or Donny. Well she made her guy friend fall and hit his face on the edge of the pool table...because he was too drunk to hold his weight and hers. So Donny jumped in to help. Then a couple bouncers did. They said they would carry her down the stairs and out to the car. She wouldn't let go of Donny. She had her arms around his neck and her hands clenched together. So he ended up helping her down the stairs. I was so pissed. I was yelling at him to let go of her and he wouldn't....well a lot because she wouldn't let go of him. I know every that was behind us trying to get down the stairs thought I was crazy. I was yelling and trying to pry her hands off of him. But ya know...seeing her arms around his neck and his hands on her (it was her bare skin because her skimpy little shirt got pushed up in the process of everyone trying to keep her upright) just made me see them naked together having sex...and I went crazy. It wasn't until the next day when we woke up that he understood why it was wrong and why I reacted the way I did. If he hadn't been drunk I am sure he would have understood the moment it was happening. It's a good thing we don't go out often and get drunk. I just can't believe that she thought she could act like we all used to before the affair. Just because I haven't kicked her ass (and let me tell you...had she went back over hanging on him again after my statement earlier in the night when she did the first time...I would have kicked her ass!) didn't mean I wanted to be her friend. Seeing her touch him in any way (and vice versa) makes me sick!
More good news from the weekend includes her soon to be ex husband (my dear friend) is talking to me now because I have my own cell phone and he doesn't have to worry about Donny answering it when he calls. He is doing much much better. He seems to now have grip on his anger about things and so I think it is okay to talk to him occassionally. He also came and got their dog the other night...which is a very good thing or it would probably end up dead soon because she never remembers to feed or water it. And she is never home either, well except to sleep!
~Melody
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Updating finally...
So once again I have gotten very behind in posting. Mostly because I haven't been feeling that well. I had a wisdom tooth taken out two Thursdays ago...and it really hurt! It was a bottom one and it was only partially through the skin (just in the front part), so they had to cut it and then pulled out. I can finally open my mouth all the way again! LOL. I had the stitches taken out last Thursday. My jaw was very very sore all week.
I am have once again been bleeding very badly. It is very heavy and doesn't seem to want to let up. I have been taking birth control for three weeks but it just seems to have gotten worse in that time. I went for more blood tests to check my thyroid yesterday. If nothing is wrong there I am not sure what they are going to try next. They wanted me to go on the Depo birth control shot and I said no. I think pumping all these combinations of hormones in me may be what got me where I am now. All the meds and stuff I was taken trying to get pregnant may have caused this, so I don't want more. Well I am sure it is some hormone that I need...but all this "here try this and here try this" stuff is likely making it worse. I think they need to try to pinpoint more what hormone I do need...and just give me it! But that's just me...
We are still doing very good. He didn't talk to her for almost two weeks! WOOHOO! I really wish he didn't talk to her at all...but he does occasionally still. I don't worry about him being with her sexually any longer...but I really don't want him to talk to her at all. It brings back bad memories for me when I know they have been together at all. It makes pictures of them together pop back into my head...and they are so hard to get out. I guess two weekends ago she had to see her soon to be ex-husband with another woman at the bar. I heard it was a bad scene. But ya know...I don't feel sorry for her. She wasn't thinking about him when she was having sex with my husband...so now that they are getting a divorce how can she think he is going to not be with anyone else?? Honestly it would have served her right if he had said he want to work on things with her...and then went screwing around on her. Ooops that slipped out...I shouldn't think evil things like that. I just wish he hadn't ever had an affair. It's so hard to get out of my head. I guess that is why so many couples divorce after an affair. But divorce is definitely not something I want to do! I love him with all my heart and I believe he loves me too. He was somewhat confused...and very selfish when he had the affair. And now he has his head on straight and is planning his future with me....and no one else. If I could have selective amnesia I would wipe out all memories of the affair. I can't stand something setting off the memories of how it...because then I can see the two of them having sex and it is something that takes a long time to get back out of my head. I never actually saw them...but I can so see it so clearly in my mind. How does one make that scene go away and never come back?
~Melody
I am have once again been bleeding very badly. It is very heavy and doesn't seem to want to let up. I have been taking birth control for three weeks but it just seems to have gotten worse in that time. I went for more blood tests to check my thyroid yesterday. If nothing is wrong there I am not sure what they are going to try next. They wanted me to go on the Depo birth control shot and I said no. I think pumping all these combinations of hormones in me may be what got me where I am now. All the meds and stuff I was taken trying to get pregnant may have caused this, so I don't want more. Well I am sure it is some hormone that I need...but all this "here try this and here try this" stuff is likely making it worse. I think they need to try to pinpoint more what hormone I do need...and just give me it! But that's just me...
We are still doing very good. He didn't talk to her for almost two weeks! WOOHOO! I really wish he didn't talk to her at all...but he does occasionally still. I don't worry about him being with her sexually any longer...but I really don't want him to talk to her at all. It brings back bad memories for me when I know they have been together at all. It makes pictures of them together pop back into my head...and they are so hard to get out. I guess two weekends ago she had to see her soon to be ex-husband with another woman at the bar. I heard it was a bad scene. But ya know...I don't feel sorry for her. She wasn't thinking about him when she was having sex with my husband...so now that they are getting a divorce how can she think he is going to not be with anyone else?? Honestly it would have served her right if he had said he want to work on things with her...and then went screwing around on her. Ooops that slipped out...I shouldn't think evil things like that. I just wish he hadn't ever had an affair. It's so hard to get out of my head. I guess that is why so many couples divorce after an affair. But divorce is definitely not something I want to do! I love him with all my heart and I believe he loves me too. He was somewhat confused...and very selfish when he had the affair. And now he has his head on straight and is planning his future with me....and no one else. If I could have selective amnesia I would wipe out all memories of the affair. I can't stand something setting off the memories of how it...because then I can see the two of them having sex and it is something that takes a long time to get back out of my head. I never actually saw them...but I can so see it so clearly in my mind. How does one make that scene go away and never come back?
~Melody
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Feeling better now...
Well because of how I was feeling yesterday, I decided to go home and talk to him about it. It went very well. He was very understanding (as he really should be anyways) and I could tell he was very honest with me.
The first thing I discussed with him was the fact that he had said early on in one of the conversations after the affair came out, that he wasn't in love with me anymore. That he still loved me and always would, but that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. He said he was confused at that time and thought because the butterflies and newness of our relationship had faded that meant he wasn't in love with me anymore. But he now realizes that isn't true. That even though he doesn't feel those butterflies that doesn't mean we aren't in love. What makes us in love is the fact that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Like when he thinks about dying...it is me he wants by his side taking care of him. It is me he wants to have babies with...etc. He also said that he hit the jackpot with me and he knows it. He said that he can take any woman he meets or talks to and find something wrong with her. But with me he can't. He said "You are beautiful. You are so smart. You have common sense. You have a big heart. And you don't put up a front when you first meet people, when they meet you-they are really meeting you." He said he is lucky to still have me and he knows that. He said while he was living with her for those five days he found himself thinking things like this often "Mel wouldn't have said that" "Mel doesn't do it that way" "Mel would never do that" etc. So basically he did miss me while he was gone, he just had to admit that to himself...and of course to me too.
The second thing was the fact that he had also made a statement about when we got married I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but that was before he met her. He said he does know now that no matter who he meets from now on...he will never change his mind about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. I am his wife and that is how he always wants it to be. He never wants to be with anyone else. And his reasons obviously tie back with the above paragraph. He regrets the affair because of what it took from our relationship...how it has made me feel. That it can probably never be exactly the way it was before. And I think he is probably right. But I know it can be very close to the way it was before. We will regain the trust eventually. Time does truly heal all.
So I am at peace with a lot of the thoughts that were trying to consume my mind. I can admit there will be times when I get paranoid and wonder if he is doing it again...but I know that will fade with time. And since I know we have all the time we need to get there, it will be okay.
~Melody
The first thing I discussed with him was the fact that he had said early on in one of the conversations after the affair came out, that he wasn't in love with me anymore. That he still loved me and always would, but that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore. He said he was confused at that time and thought because the butterflies and newness of our relationship had faded that meant he wasn't in love with me anymore. But he now realizes that isn't true. That even though he doesn't feel those butterflies that doesn't mean we aren't in love. What makes us in love is the fact that we want to spend the rest of our lives together. Like when he thinks about dying...it is me he wants by his side taking care of him. It is me he wants to have babies with...etc. He also said that he hit the jackpot with me and he knows it. He said that he can take any woman he meets or talks to and find something wrong with her. But with me he can't. He said "You are beautiful. You are so smart. You have common sense. You have a big heart. And you don't put up a front when you first meet people, when they meet you-they are really meeting you." He said he is lucky to still have me and he knows that. He said while he was living with her for those five days he found himself thinking things like this often "Mel wouldn't have said that" "Mel doesn't do it that way" "Mel would never do that" etc. So basically he did miss me while he was gone, he just had to admit that to himself...and of course to me too.
The second thing was the fact that he had also made a statement about when we got married I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, but that was before he met her. He said he does know now that no matter who he meets from now on...he will never change his mind about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me. I am his wife and that is how he always wants it to be. He never wants to be with anyone else. And his reasons obviously tie back with the above paragraph. He regrets the affair because of what it took from our relationship...how it has made me feel. That it can probably never be exactly the way it was before. And I think he is probably right. But I know it can be very close to the way it was before. We will regain the trust eventually. Time does truly heal all.
So I am at peace with a lot of the thoughts that were trying to consume my mind. I can admit there will be times when I get paranoid and wonder if he is doing it again...but I know that will fade with time. And since I know we have all the time we need to get there, it will be okay.
~Melody
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Why can't I just let go...
Things are going good really. But for some reason I just can't let go and totally enjoy it. It's like I just keep waiting for something to go wrong. And that is not something I have ever done when it comes to our relationship. But I do now. Even though he is treating me the way he did before the affair...it's just not the same. Maybe it's because everything has lost its innocence. I am not saying I don't think he doesn't love me or anything like that. But I don't want to be naive and assume he loves me as much. Because I don't see how he can after disreguarding me to have an affair. It's just so hard to let it go. I want to...but I am afraid. I am afraid to love him as freely as before...to believe everything he says...to totally trust him...to give all I have to give. Because when I did that before he had an affair and shattered my heart. I don't want to be blindsided again. So I ask myself how does one fully recover from an affair...whether it is with the person who committed the affair or with someone new? How do you trust someone enough to believe they will never betray you like that? It's like once it happens you are waiting for it to happen again. Like before it happened you never thought twice about it...but now it's always lurking in the back of your mind. This ugly thought that once in awhile consumes you. Takes your breath away. Takes your zest for life away. And you can push it back as many times as you want...but it keeps coming back. How do you get rid of it? How do you lock it away so that you don't have to think it anymore? How do I explain this to him. How do I explain to him I am scared without seeming too needy or desperate? How do explain to him I am afraid he doesn't love me the way he did when he married me? How do I explain to him no matter how hard I try I can't stop seeing him with her? How do I explain to him that I feel like I am his second choice...that he only came back to me because she pushed him away? How do I make the "what ifs" go away? What if she hadn't pushed him away? What if I hadn't figured it out? What if he does it again? What if he realizes all the sudden he wants to be with her after all? What if I am not strong enough to let go? What if...what if...what if! Two words that I hate! I don't want to push him away...I want to be married to him. I want our relationship to recover....but how do I let go?
Monday, January 16, 2006
It was a good weekend even though we ran into her!
Friday night was pretty uneventful. Saturday day I went shopping with a friend. Got some new fish which I got an awesome deal on because it was buy one get one for a penny! So my tank went from 1 lone gold fish to now having 13 total fish! I got four fancy tail something or anothers (they look like goldfish with fancy tails LOL); four neon tetras; an upside down catfish; a placostomas (sp) (algea eater); and two Platys (one looks like he has mickey mouse on his tail...kid you not it is plain as day the face and two ears in black on it's tail!). Her and I then drove over to where Donny and I are from so I could clean the dog pens and stuff like that (at our old house-that we rent to my brother-he takes care of my dogs because I can't have them where I live now). Then her and I picked up Donny and her husband (they work together) and the four of us went and had supper. Then we went home so he could take a shower and get cleaned up.
We went to a local bar to attend a party that we were invited to there. Well that group of people all basically took off between 11 and midnight. As they were all leaving Donny ran into a guy he used to work with. He was there with four friends and we joined their group. When the bar was about to close this guy asked us to go next door to the after party (it's where you take your own alcohol and dance and party some more!) but I said no we shouldn't go because she would be there. She always goes to it, and I didn't want to run into her. Because I knew if her and Donny had anything to do with each other it would be bad because at that point I was drunk. Well this guy told me not to worry about it because Donny told him about the affair and he would keep Donny with his group and we would be okay. So against my better judgement (which was impaired by the alcohol) I went. She was there of course. But the funny thing is I talked to her...Donny didn't, not one word the whole time. I don't know why I talked to her. I suppose it was because I was drunk, but when I looked at her sitting there it made me really said and I realized how much I miss her. I hate what she did to me having the affair with Donny, but I do miss her. And because I was drunk I couldn't control my emotions at all. I remember why I don't like drinking. I want to hate her so bad, but I can't. I do still want her out of our lives though. Because I know as long as she is across the street and probably even still in the area...I will always wonder if they are seeing each other again. Okay not always...but at least for a long while. I sat the next day thinking about how I had talked to her and what I had said and I felt pretty stupid. I mean I don't want her to know I miss her, because I don't want to miss her. I want her to know what she did to me. I want her to know it was wrong. So I hate that I talked to her. But I am so happy that he didn't say a word to her. He told me he didn't have the urge to talk to her. HOORAY!
Sometime during the night at the bar the bleeding stopped!! WOOHOO! So we had drunk sex sometime after we got home. I cried during it and after. Not really sure why...I just had tears streaming down my face. I suppose part of it was pent up from not having had sex since Thanksgiving, part of it because I knew he had sex with her from then until a few weeks ago, and part of it because of the alcohol. Last night we made love and it was wonderful. I am so glad we can once again have that part of our relationship. Yesterday he also made a comment that I didn't realize what it really meant until later. I can't remember exactly what I was talking about but it was something about having wanted to do something regularly but couldn't....and he said "well you don't have to worry about it now because I am back". I think that was him telling me he knows without a doubt he wants to be with me. I think that is the first solid step forward, especially when you add it to him not talking to her the night before. I know there may be set backs (I still worry about him talking to her on Thursdays) but I am feeling like in all we are heading forward...and it's a wonderful feeling!
~Melody
We went to a local bar to attend a party that we were invited to there. Well that group of people all basically took off between 11 and midnight. As they were all leaving Donny ran into a guy he used to work with. He was there with four friends and we joined their group. When the bar was about to close this guy asked us to go next door to the after party (it's where you take your own alcohol and dance and party some more!) but I said no we shouldn't go because she would be there. She always goes to it, and I didn't want to run into her. Because I knew if her and Donny had anything to do with each other it would be bad because at that point I was drunk. Well this guy told me not to worry about it because Donny told him about the affair and he would keep Donny with his group and we would be okay. So against my better judgement (which was impaired by the alcohol) I went. She was there of course. But the funny thing is I talked to her...Donny didn't, not one word the whole time. I don't know why I talked to her. I suppose it was because I was drunk, but when I looked at her sitting there it made me really said and I realized how much I miss her. I hate what she did to me having the affair with Donny, but I do miss her. And because I was drunk I couldn't control my emotions at all. I remember why I don't like drinking. I want to hate her so bad, but I can't. I do still want her out of our lives though. Because I know as long as she is across the street and probably even still in the area...I will always wonder if they are seeing each other again. Okay not always...but at least for a long while. I sat the next day thinking about how I had talked to her and what I had said and I felt pretty stupid. I mean I don't want her to know I miss her, because I don't want to miss her. I want her to know what she did to me. I want her to know it was wrong. So I hate that I talked to her. But I am so happy that he didn't say a word to her. He told me he didn't have the urge to talk to her. HOORAY!
Sometime during the night at the bar the bleeding stopped!! WOOHOO! So we had drunk sex sometime after we got home. I cried during it and after. Not really sure why...I just had tears streaming down my face. I suppose part of it was pent up from not having had sex since Thanksgiving, part of it because I knew he had sex with her from then until a few weeks ago, and part of it because of the alcohol. Last night we made love and it was wonderful. I am so glad we can once again have that part of our relationship. Yesterday he also made a comment that I didn't realize what it really meant until later. I can't remember exactly what I was talking about but it was something about having wanted to do something regularly but couldn't....and he said "well you don't have to worry about it now because I am back". I think that was him telling me he knows without a doubt he wants to be with me. I think that is the first solid step forward, especially when you add it to him not talking to her the night before. I know there may be set backs (I still worry about him talking to her on Thursdays) but I am feeling like in all we are heading forward...and it's a wonderful feeling!
~Melody
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
So tired today...
I am sure it is because of the fact that I am still bleeding! Yeah 22 days and counting. I called the dr. today and left a message to see if I needed to start taking provera. Because I figure I can't start the BCP until I stop bleeding, and I will need the provera to do that. Stupid body! And yes I said birth control pill. As much as I hate the thought of taking it....what other choice do I have. I don't want to continue having periods where I bleed for three plus weeks. I mean I can't have sex (which in itself sucks) and since I can't have sex, I am obviously not ever going to get pregnant anyways! So I figure I might as well try the BCP to get the bleeding under control so I can at least have a healthy sex life with my husband! Once we have that back, getting pregnant will be a bonus!
He is being so great about things now. I mean he is totally opening up to me and helping to say and do things to put my mind at ease. He even said tonight his plan is to go to bed with me (he is hoping I can manage to stay up a bit later than normal-so I might want to nap when I get home LOL) so that he can sleep in tomorrow morning. By going to bed with me he won't be up when she comes home after work, thus eliminating him going over then. But I am concerned about after he wakes up and I am at work. He said he is going to try his hardest to not go see her. I told him to get on the net and stay on the net researching stuff all day, or play his video games. Anything to keep him busy. He admitted it is her being across the street that keeps him from being able to not see her at all. It is too much to know that she is just sitting over there while he his home alone and bored. So I am going to try to think of something to keep his interest on the net...something he can research that he will find interesting enough to keep his mind off of her! I am seriously thinking of installing yahoo messenger on my work pc so I can chat with him off and on while I work. In hopes of keeping his mind on me...thus helping to keep him from going to see her! I think I will ask my boss if it is okay! At most she will say no. Good thing Thursday and Sundays are his days off...because since I have Sundays off work...we only have to work so hard to get through Thursdays!
I think most of his need to see her now comes down to the fact that it was just his routine before. That and being at her place helps remind him of the good times we used to have with her and her husband. And we did, before the affair, the four of us had a lot of fun together. I miss that I really do. But there is no going back now. Her and him ruined that when they chose to have an affair. I wish people thought more when they have an affair...but I guess if they did then they wouldn't have the affair, huh? I mean even if they would have, after the first time of having sex, realized how horribly wrong it was, and never did it again...we could have healed and gotten past it a lot easier. It is the fact that they kept doing it over and over...that makes it so bad!
Well I best get back to work...although I could really use a long nap!!
~Melody
He is being so great about things now. I mean he is totally opening up to me and helping to say and do things to put my mind at ease. He even said tonight his plan is to go to bed with me (he is hoping I can manage to stay up a bit later than normal-so I might want to nap when I get home LOL) so that he can sleep in tomorrow morning. By going to bed with me he won't be up when she comes home after work, thus eliminating him going over then. But I am concerned about after he wakes up and I am at work. He said he is going to try his hardest to not go see her. I told him to get on the net and stay on the net researching stuff all day, or play his video games. Anything to keep him busy. He admitted it is her being across the street that keeps him from being able to not see her at all. It is too much to know that she is just sitting over there while he his home alone and bored. So I am going to try to think of something to keep his interest on the net...something he can research that he will find interesting enough to keep his mind off of her! I am seriously thinking of installing yahoo messenger on my work pc so I can chat with him off and on while I work. In hopes of keeping his mind on me...thus helping to keep him from going to see her! I think I will ask my boss if it is okay! At most she will say no. Good thing Thursday and Sundays are his days off...because since I have Sundays off work...we only have to work so hard to get through Thursdays!
I think most of his need to see her now comes down to the fact that it was just his routine before. That and being at her place helps remind him of the good times we used to have with her and her husband. And we did, before the affair, the four of us had a lot of fun together. I miss that I really do. But there is no going back now. Her and him ruined that when they chose to have an affair. I wish people thought more when they have an affair...but I guess if they did then they wouldn't have the affair, huh? I mean even if they would have, after the first time of having sex, realized how horribly wrong it was, and never did it again...we could have healed and gotten past it a lot easier. It is the fact that they kept doing it over and over...that makes it so bad!
Well I best get back to work...although I could really use a long nap!!
~Melody
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Feeling better most days...
I can honestly say I do feel better about things. I don't dread going home anymore...thinking what can we fight about tonight? I am anxious to get home now...I can't wait til 5 pm knowing I can see him. It's the feeling I used to get only better because before I knew it was just a few minutes in passing as I came home and he left for work, now it's knowing I get to spend the whole evening with him! I know as time passes we will not spend the whole evening together...that I will feel okay with leaving and going out with a friend shopping or whatever. But for now I just want to spend time with him...doesn't have to just be him...we can do stuff with friends or just be out in public. Or I can work on my scrapbooking while he watches tv...as long as we are both in the house somewhere I am happy.
He doesn't get mad when I talk about her or the affair. There are still unanswered questions I want to know. But for now I am dealing with what I know. Now we are concentrating on ourselves. Like I am working on losing weight and he is helping me with that (he swears he needs to lose too). We are working on communicating better with each other no matter what it is about. I always thought we did communicate well, but apparently it wasn't well enough. There are so many things about him I didn't know he was feeling and vice versa. I don't know if that happens because you start to assume your partner just knows those things after this long, like you took for granted they did. But no more of that. We are opening our mouths. Like the other night he commented that even though I put on weight I still have great legs. He noticed that while we were at Walmart. So I was estatic thinking "Wow! My husband was checking me out!" And so I was sure to tell him the next day how good that made me feel, instead of just assuming he knew how it made me feel. I think it's the simple things like that that help you fall back in love with each other, it takes you back to the beginning when everything was new and innocent. Unlike how I felt after I realized about the affair...I suddenly felt like the innocence was gone replaced with something dirty and cold. I mean that is what we are doing really...starting over, so we can have the trust back in our relationship.
Sometimes I still get this sudden fear that I am trusting him too much too soon. I get this fear that he will relapse because I let him by trusting him so quickly. I know it's probably crazy but I swear it is in my nightmares....that I catch him having sex with her again. And it's always her...never anyone else. I honestly trust him around women in general...just not around her. Which is why I hate that he still goes and sees her. I know he says there is nothing going on sexually...and I believe him, but when they are alone together it makes me have the images in my head of the two of them having sex. And that makes me sick, so very sick. But if I don't trust him some...what kind of relationship will we have. Not to mention it will just drive me crazy always wondering. I wonder enough stuff as it is. I wonder if he loves me as much now as before the affair. I wonder if when he looks at me he ever thinks of her. I wonder if sexually I will still be good enough for him (since we haven't had sex yet because of my stupid period). I wonder if he still likes the way I kiss. I wonder if he likes the way I touch him more than the way she touched him. I wonder if he stayed with me just because she wasn't over her husband yet. I wonder if she were to call and say come be my guy for good...if he would. I wonder if down the road he will wake up and think "I shouldn't have stayed". That and other things. So that occupies my time and hasn't so far given me too much time to wonder if they are still having sex. I mean the only time they could be is when he goes over there early Thursday mornings or during the day Thursday. And I think he would act differently if it was happening. But it does bother me lots that I can't have sex with him right now. I feel like that makes him need it from her. I am rambling now... But my mind goes in a million directions all the time now. Sometimes I need an off switch...and sleeping doesn't work. Well I best go for now...this is long enough.
~Melody
He doesn't get mad when I talk about her or the affair. There are still unanswered questions I want to know. But for now I am dealing with what I know. Now we are concentrating on ourselves. Like I am working on losing weight and he is helping me with that (he swears he needs to lose too). We are working on communicating better with each other no matter what it is about. I always thought we did communicate well, but apparently it wasn't well enough. There are so many things about him I didn't know he was feeling and vice versa. I don't know if that happens because you start to assume your partner just knows those things after this long, like you took for granted they did. But no more of that. We are opening our mouths. Like the other night he commented that even though I put on weight I still have great legs. He noticed that while we were at Walmart. So I was estatic thinking "Wow! My husband was checking me out!" And so I was sure to tell him the next day how good that made me feel, instead of just assuming he knew how it made me feel. I think it's the simple things like that that help you fall back in love with each other, it takes you back to the beginning when everything was new and innocent. Unlike how I felt after I realized about the affair...I suddenly felt like the innocence was gone replaced with something dirty and cold. I mean that is what we are doing really...starting over, so we can have the trust back in our relationship.
Sometimes I still get this sudden fear that I am trusting him too much too soon. I get this fear that he will relapse because I let him by trusting him so quickly. I know it's probably crazy but I swear it is in my nightmares....that I catch him having sex with her again. And it's always her...never anyone else. I honestly trust him around women in general...just not around her. Which is why I hate that he still goes and sees her. I know he says there is nothing going on sexually...and I believe him, but when they are alone together it makes me have the images in my head of the two of them having sex. And that makes me sick, so very sick. But if I don't trust him some...what kind of relationship will we have. Not to mention it will just drive me crazy always wondering. I wonder enough stuff as it is. I wonder if he loves me as much now as before the affair. I wonder if when he looks at me he ever thinks of her. I wonder if sexually I will still be good enough for him (since we haven't had sex yet because of my stupid period). I wonder if he still likes the way I kiss. I wonder if he likes the way I touch him more than the way she touched him. I wonder if he stayed with me just because she wasn't over her husband yet. I wonder if she were to call and say come be my guy for good...if he would. I wonder if down the road he will wake up and think "I shouldn't have stayed". That and other things. So that occupies my time and hasn't so far given me too much time to wonder if they are still having sex. I mean the only time they could be is when he goes over there early Thursday mornings or during the day Thursday. And I think he would act differently if it was happening. But it does bother me lots that I can't have sex with him right now. I feel like that makes him need it from her. I am rambling now... But my mind goes in a million directions all the time now. Sometimes I need an off switch...and sleeping doesn't work. Well I best go for now...this is long enough.
~Melody
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Just feeling kind of blah...
Today was a beautiful day weatherwise. So I got up the energy to completely clean out my car. Scrubbed the whole inside down...even vacuumed it. But that pretty much wiped me out for the day. I haven't done anything since. Between all that is going on and the fact that I am still bleeding...it doesn't take much to exhaust me.
The roller coaster ride with Donny has evened out a lot and isn't so bad. He is pretty much leveled out on what he thinks and feels and treats me like he used. He shows love and kindness...no more anger and meanness. But the roller coaster of emotions and thoughts in my own head is full speed ahead. I can't seem to get control on it. I don't really fear he will up and leave me or he any longer. But I still wish he would quit seeing her totally. I know I need to be firm and tell him he has to. But what does that accomplish. I mean I know the affair is over and he is not going to leave me for her, and he isn't trying to be with both of us in an intimate way. I know he has decided I am more important as far as being my husband and only being her friend. I know that he shouldn't still be her friend, but I am hoping that by backing off and letting him see her one day a week...he will let go of her on his own. With him the more you push the more stubborn he becomes. If I thought he was still being intimate with her then I would be pushing lots more because what would I have to lose? But if he is just being her friend then it isn't so bad.
Some days I can get through the day without thinking of the two of them together intimately. But then somedays, like today, it consumes my thoughts. I wonder things I wished I didn't. Because I really don't want to know but I keep getting these pictures of them together that way, and I don't know how to get them out of my head! I hate it! The images of the two of them naked having sex make me want to throw up. The images of him looking at her the way he looks when we make love kill me. I wish I could block them out, but I don't know how. I suppose over time they will fade away. But I wish they were gone now. Maybe if the bleeding would stop I could replace them with images of him and I. But until we can make love again I have nothing to replace them with. It has been since Thanksgiving that he and I made love. It is driving me crazy that we can't. I just wish the bleeding would stop! And I don't want to have to go on birth control pills to make it stop. But that's a whole other debate going on in my head.
Well I am going to have to go pick him up from work soon, so I best clear my head and try to think happier thoughts!
~Melody
The roller coaster ride with Donny has evened out a lot and isn't so bad. He is pretty much leveled out on what he thinks and feels and treats me like he used. He shows love and kindness...no more anger and meanness. But the roller coaster of emotions and thoughts in my own head is full speed ahead. I can't seem to get control on it. I don't really fear he will up and leave me or he any longer. But I still wish he would quit seeing her totally. I know I need to be firm and tell him he has to. But what does that accomplish. I mean I know the affair is over and he is not going to leave me for her, and he isn't trying to be with both of us in an intimate way. I know he has decided I am more important as far as being my husband and only being her friend. I know that he shouldn't still be her friend, but I am hoping that by backing off and letting him see her one day a week...he will let go of her on his own. With him the more you push the more stubborn he becomes. If I thought he was still being intimate with her then I would be pushing lots more because what would I have to lose? But if he is just being her friend then it isn't so bad.
Some days I can get through the day without thinking of the two of them together intimately. But then somedays, like today, it consumes my thoughts. I wonder things I wished I didn't. Because I really don't want to know but I keep getting these pictures of them together that way, and I don't know how to get them out of my head! I hate it! The images of the two of them naked having sex make me want to throw up. The images of him looking at her the way he looks when we make love kill me. I wish I could block them out, but I don't know how. I suppose over time they will fade away. But I wish they were gone now. Maybe if the bleeding would stop I could replace them with images of him and I. But until we can make love again I have nothing to replace them with. It has been since Thanksgiving that he and I made love. It is driving me crazy that we can't. I just wish the bleeding would stop! And I don't want to have to go on birth control pills to make it stop. But that's a whole other debate going on in my head.
Well I am going to have to go pick him up from work soon, so I best clear my head and try to think happier thoughts!
~Melody
Thursday, January 05, 2006
How much more can I really take?
So I come home tonight to find out he went back over there after I left. And I realize he doesn't have to tell me this...but it still makes me upset that he did it. Apparently she really really made him mad with her lies. And he wanted to hit her so bad...that he hit the poor guy that she has been messing around with lately. Luckily this guy must have understood enough of what was going on that he didn't freak out back. He just tried to talk him done and then got him away from her to calm him down. In all of the ten years that we have been together he has never gotten that mad. She does this to him, she changes him. And I am having a hard time convincing him of that. Well he says he sees it and he doesn't like it, but he isn't changing it by staying away from her. She is like this drug to guys...because he is not the only one she has affected like this.
We talked a lot tonight about it. And he sees she has a alcohol problem. And that she could be a better person if she went and got help. So we decided that she really needs to go to rehab. He asked me if I would go with him to approach her about getting help. I said yes. Because while I hate what they have done....I don't want her life to be any worse than it is. I think if she would get help she could be a better person. But honestly I don't think it will do any good. I think she will be mad at us for it. He said he was going to tell her if she didn't go he couldn't be her friend anymore. He asked me if he was being selfish in make that demand...and I was thinking ummm...NO! She is doing nothing but changing you and bringing you down (not to mention about destroying your chances with your wife) because of her drinking...so of course it is your right to not be her friend anymore if she continues on her destructive path.
So we went and talked to this guy she is seeing about helping us convince her she could do better for herself if she gets some help with her alcohol problem. Well he works with her. After awhile of us talking to him she comes around the corner and says "You guys are really pissing me off!". Too bad. Of course it was pissing her off. She has been using both Donny and this guy. Saying things to Donny about this guy and I am sure things to this guy about Donny. Making herself seem like the innocent one. And now that they are talking...well they are going to figure that out! Figure out that she is lying to both of them. But none the less Donny seemed really upset about it on the way home. He went straight to bed. Which I know he was tired...but I could tell it was mostly because it upset him. I hope he realizes how important it is that he does stop being her friend. For himself, for me, and for our marriage. She really is on a path of destruction. And it is one thing if she wants to destroy herself and her life...but if she thinks I will continue to let her destroy him and me...along with her she is crazy. I am so mad at her right now! She is only thinking of herself as usual. And I am so tired of it! She always tells everyone what they want to hear...even if it means lying. I don't think she knows the truth from a lie anymore. But let me tell you...if I go with him to talk to her about rehab...we will all see her true colors...she won't just say what she thinks I want to hear...because I will push her until she tells the truth. Because in her eyes she has nothing to lose by pissing me off. But she doesn't realize she has a lot to lose...
~Melody
We talked a lot tonight about it. And he sees she has a alcohol problem. And that she could be a better person if she went and got help. So we decided that she really needs to go to rehab. He asked me if I would go with him to approach her about getting help. I said yes. Because while I hate what they have done....I don't want her life to be any worse than it is. I think if she would get help she could be a better person. But honestly I don't think it will do any good. I think she will be mad at us for it. He said he was going to tell her if she didn't go he couldn't be her friend anymore. He asked me if he was being selfish in make that demand...and I was thinking ummm...NO! She is doing nothing but changing you and bringing you down (not to mention about destroying your chances with your wife) because of her drinking...so of course it is your right to not be her friend anymore if she continues on her destructive path.
So we went and talked to this guy she is seeing about helping us convince her she could do better for herself if she gets some help with her alcohol problem. Well he works with her. After awhile of us talking to him she comes around the corner and says "You guys are really pissing me off!". Too bad. Of course it was pissing her off. She has been using both Donny and this guy. Saying things to Donny about this guy and I am sure things to this guy about Donny. Making herself seem like the innocent one. And now that they are talking...well they are going to figure that out! Figure out that she is lying to both of them. But none the less Donny seemed really upset about it on the way home. He went straight to bed. Which I know he was tired...but I could tell it was mostly because it upset him. I hope he realizes how important it is that he does stop being her friend. For himself, for me, and for our marriage. She really is on a path of destruction. And it is one thing if she wants to destroy herself and her life...but if she thinks I will continue to let her destroy him and me...along with her she is crazy. I am so mad at her right now! She is only thinking of herself as usual. And I am so tired of it! She always tells everyone what they want to hear...even if it means lying. I don't think she knows the truth from a lie anymore. But let me tell you...if I go with him to talk to her about rehab...we will all see her true colors...she won't just say what she thinks I want to hear...because I will push her until she tells the truth. Because in her eyes she has nothing to lose by pissing me off. But she doesn't realize she has a lot to lose...
~Melody
Well Not Worrying about Today...
He took the pressure off of me worrying about him going to see her while I am at work today. Because he went and saw her at 3:30 am when she got home from partying. He didn't try to sneak over there or even sneak back. I fully knew he went. I looked outside after he left and saw that her new "toy" (that is what she thinks guys are, I swear) was there too. So I didn't waste my energy going over there or even calling to have him come home. I was like wtf-ever and went back to sleep. I mean I know he wasn't doing anything with her this time, I mean her newest toy there that wasn't going to happen, at least not without there being a fight. So I decided to let it go for now. This morning I just told him I was unhappy that he went over there. That how could I believe him when he told me things now? That he told me he didn't need to talk to or see her, but yet he went over there. Then he said he was pissed that I removed her number from the phone, address book, and his wallet. Well I told him he had no right to be pissed because he told me he wasn't going to talk to her anymore, so why did he need her numbers? Well that was the end of that conversation! His reasoning for it being okay for him to go over there this morning was because she was having a party so he wasn't alone with her. Well ummm...no that doesn't make it okay! I asked him what he would do when he went over there sometime and it was just her, and whether she was sober or drunk she wanted to have sex with him? He said he would turn her down. I said are you sure you can do that? He said he could. But I think he may find himself unsure once placed in that situation, so I say it's best to not put yourself in that situation to find out...which is why he can't go see her! But of course he can't get that! And since I was heading out to work I didn't want to fight about it. Then he gave me one of those kisses that melt me and make me want to head to the bedroom and get naked...IYKWIM. And I left wanting to hate my body for responding to it!
I honestly have no doubt that he loves me. And even that he wants to be with me forever (because wanting and doing are two different things). But I just can't let go of the fact that he still has to have some contact with her, it bothers me, makes me feel like he could decided to go back to her at anytime...for whatever reason he had the affair in the first place. I know he is making steps towards recovering what we once had....but I don't feel like we can completely do that until she is totally out of the picture. So what do I do?? I know I can stay strong and stand my ground that he has to not see or talk to her at all! But at what cost? Do I chance killing what progress we made? Do I compromise somehow? I know everyone is telling me it is either my way or I should make him leave, but honestly I am just not ready to let go. I wish I was...but I am not. I know some day I am going to wake up (if he continues seeing her) and decide enough is enough that I am not going to take it anymore. And at that point it is my way or he goes. But right now I am not ready to do that. Does that make me weak? Does that make me stupid? No I think it makes me human.
On other notes...I am on my sixteenth day of AF and while it has slowed in the last few days...it doesn't appear to be stopping. The dr. said one more week and then I have to do something to make it stop or I will be making myself too weak from the blood loss. That I have to either take the progesterone or go back on BCP. Neither I want to do...I think all the hormones makes me even more messed up. But I can't keep bleeding forever either. I hate my body! It's like instead of shutting the gate to build up the blood for another cycle...the gate is stuck open so the blood just keeps coming out instead of building back up for another AF visit! It sucks! I have however managed to lose 16 pounds (as of a couple days ago) and that feels wonderful. If AF ever leaves I have plans of running with him and doing some exercise routines with a friend. I am hoping to keep losing and get to be a few pounds less than when we started dating. No matter what happens that will show him what he has to lose or has lost! LOL.
~Melody
I honestly have no doubt that he loves me. And even that he wants to be with me forever (because wanting and doing are two different things). But I just can't let go of the fact that he still has to have some contact with her, it bothers me, makes me feel like he could decided to go back to her at anytime...for whatever reason he had the affair in the first place. I know he is making steps towards recovering what we once had....but I don't feel like we can completely do that until she is totally out of the picture. So what do I do?? I know I can stay strong and stand my ground that he has to not see or talk to her at all! But at what cost? Do I chance killing what progress we made? Do I compromise somehow? I know everyone is telling me it is either my way or I should make him leave, but honestly I am just not ready to let go. I wish I was...but I am not. I know some day I am going to wake up (if he continues seeing her) and decide enough is enough that I am not going to take it anymore. And at that point it is my way or he goes. But right now I am not ready to do that. Does that make me weak? Does that make me stupid? No I think it makes me human.
On other notes...I am on my sixteenth day of AF and while it has slowed in the last few days...it doesn't appear to be stopping. The dr. said one more week and then I have to do something to make it stop or I will be making myself too weak from the blood loss. That I have to either take the progesterone or go back on BCP. Neither I want to do...I think all the hormones makes me even more messed up. But I can't keep bleeding forever either. I hate my body! It's like instead of shutting the gate to build up the blood for another cycle...the gate is stuck open so the blood just keeps coming out instead of building back up for another AF visit! It sucks! I have however managed to lose 16 pounds (as of a couple days ago) and that feels wonderful. If AF ever leaves I have plans of running with him and doing some exercise routines with a friend. I am hoping to keep losing and get to be a few pounds less than when we started dating. No matter what happens that will show him what he has to lose or has lost! LOL.
~Melody
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Just can't concentrate today...
I am at work but hardly getting any work done. I just can't seem to concentrate. I mean it's been a problem through this whole ordeal...but it seems far worse today. I don't know why...but my mind is in a million more directions today than normal. I just want to sit down and cry. I just want my life back. I just want her to go away...far far away. I want my husband back...I want our love back...our want our marriage back...I want our future back. I just feel like it is all gone now. I feel like everything that I thought my life was...isn't real anymore. I feel like the life I was living suddenly isn't mine anymore, that it was replaced with this life I am living now. The one full of uncertainty, full of hurt, full of anger, full of loss. And I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do. I am feeling so lost right now. I love him so much that I can't let go no matter how hard I try. He is with me and he says it is what he wants...but why do I feel like it's different now. That he doesn't feel the same for me as before...like some how it isn't as powerful? Like our love isn't as strong or real? Like we are walking through our life because it is what we are used to. I feel like his passion for me is less, his thoughts of me are less, his love for me is less. I feel like I am this needy person just clinging to what is left of us from before. How do I get it back? How do I bring back what brought us together in the first place? How do I make what we have had all this time special again? How do I make him see that it can be done? How do I make him fall in love with me again? How do we go on from here? I feel a desperation like none I have ever felt before. I feel loss like I have never felt before. I feel pain like I have never felt before. I feel like all that was me is changed....
~Melody
~Melody
The feeling when something is going to happen and you can't stop it!
I am so afraid of tomorrow. Tomorrow is his day off of work. And while I am sitting here at work, he will be all alone with her just across the street. It really scares me. I don't think he is strong enough to resist the urge to go over and check on her. Her husband made a comment to me the other night (yeah he finally called me!)...he said she is always looking for a hero. And I think that is what Donny is being to her right now...her hero. He is saving her whenever she needs saved. And I think in the same way he enjoys being her hero. I am strong so he doesn't feel like I need a hero. I don't think the affair is about sex now...it's about her being needy and him enjoying the feeling of being needed by her. I try to make him see that I need him, but for some reason he can't get past the fact that I am strong. I guess that being strong is not always the best of traits, because people take for granted that you never need anyone, that you are always strong enough to handle anything. And then when you aren't strong enough and you do need them, they don't realize it.
I have a this horrible feeling tomorrow will be a day of set backs. And I don't think there is anything I can do to avoid it. I can demand he go somewhere else for the day, but he probably won't. He thinks he is strong enough to not go over there, but he isn't. I don't want him to be mad at me for doubting his ability to stay away from her, but I think he is still to weak to handle it himself, and I will be at work. So I think he will go over there, and of course when I get home I will know. And he won't deny it. And it is likely to start a whole new fight about an old subject...him and her remaining friends. He will want to and I will say No. And thus the fighting begins.... It's a vicious circle that never ends.
I so want to go home tonight and make love to him. And show him what we have is all he needs in all aspects. But since my stupid period is never ending that can not happen. But I will do whatever I can to make him see me...and not her. To make him stronger for tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be such a hard day.....
~Melody
I have a this horrible feeling tomorrow will be a day of set backs. And I don't think there is anything I can do to avoid it. I can demand he go somewhere else for the day, but he probably won't. He thinks he is strong enough to not go over there, but he isn't. I don't want him to be mad at me for doubting his ability to stay away from her, but I think he is still to weak to handle it himself, and I will be at work. So I think he will go over there, and of course when I get home I will know. And he won't deny it. And it is likely to start a whole new fight about an old subject...him and her remaining friends. He will want to and I will say No. And thus the fighting begins.... It's a vicious circle that never ends.
I so want to go home tonight and make love to him. And show him what we have is all he needs in all aspects. But since my stupid period is never ending that can not happen. But I will do whatever I can to make him see me...and not her. To make him stronger for tomorrow. Tomorrow is going to be such a hard day.....
~Melody
Latest news...
So to start where the last post ended... Friday morning (Dec. 30th) he goes over to her place while I am in the shower. After I get out of the shower he comes to take his shower. He says to me "Do me a favor?" I am thinking "Oh great now what?". He says "Tell me no again". Well I know he is talking about no to being in contact with her because that is all we discussed before we went to bed the night before. So I said "No I don't want you to talk to her, No I don't want you to see her, and No I don't want you to ever be her friend!" To which he says "Okay". I had to have this look on my face like "Where the hell did that come from!?!". He says that she told him it was a mistake to have called him to come get her Thursday morning. That she shouldn't be reaching out to him. That what they did is the reason her marriage is over. And that it is the reason his will be if he doesn't quit. They decided they shoudn't even be friends because it can't work because they have had an affair. Hmmm...guess I haven't been saying that all along?!?! So then he gets his pillows and alarm clock and moves back into our bedroom...where he still is.
New Year's eve we spent with some of our friends. We went out to eat and then back to their place to play card games. We drank enough to get a good buzz and then went to sleep in the early hours of the morning. That afternoon we (just him and I) went and saw King Kong (awesome movie I must add!). Then out to supper and back to our friends' house for more card games. Monday we stayed home and did a few things here and there that needed done. Yesterday it was back to work for both of us. We had a quiet evening last night...we both fell asleep pretty early. Right now we are getting up at 6 am to get ready for work. Then I drive him 15 minutes to our friends' house (we leave a few minutes before 7)...they then take him to work (Donny is his supervisor at work) by 8. Well after I drop him off I have to turn around and head back in the direction of our place and continue driving another 35 minutes past where we live to get to work by 8. And then I do the whole thing in reverse at 5 (well I pick him up from work which is the same distance as driving to their house). We are hoping to get a second car very soon!
New Year's eve we spent with some of our friends. We went out to eat and then back to their place to play card games. We drank enough to get a good buzz and then went to sleep in the early hours of the morning. That afternoon we (just him and I) went and saw King Kong (awesome movie I must add!). Then out to supper and back to our friends' house for more card games. Monday we stayed home and did a few things here and there that needed done. Yesterday it was back to work for both of us. We had a quiet evening last night...we both fell asleep pretty early. Right now we are getting up at 6 am to get ready for work. Then I drive him 15 minutes to our friends' house (we leave a few minutes before 7)...they then take him to work (Donny is his supervisor at work) by 8. Well after I drop him off I have to turn around and head back in the direction of our place and continue driving another 35 minutes past where we live to get to work by 8. And then I do the whole thing in reverse at 5 (well I pick him up from work which is the same distance as driving to their house). We are hoping to get a second car very soon!
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