Catching up...

Well it's been a week since I updated. And of course so much has happened. I am not sure that I will go into lots of details because it's late and I need to go to bed.

Saturday he told me he was sitting down with her once and for all to talk about things. And that she had to answer him honestly and to the point basically. Well she was supposed to get off work at 9pm and come talk to him. I left my BIL and didn't return until 3 am. Trying to avoid sitting here with them across the street together. Well when we got here she had yet to come home. She pulled in shortly after us. She was puking in the toilet when he walked over to talk to her. I am not sure totally what was said, but I know he was only there an hour. He came home and said come to bed. So for the first time in two weeks he slept in bed with me. And he was naked! (too bad I am on my period!). He said it was totally over with them. That he wasn't even going to see or talk to her. HOORAY! Christmas day was awesome. And so was the next three days. We laughed, talked, cuddled, and were as intimate as we could be (because of my period). Then it all comes crashing down at 4 am Thursday. She calls because she is really drunk and has lost her keys so she can't get home. So he goes in to town to get her. Which I was fine with....the first time. He returns without her. Apparently she found some guy (not the one she initially went out with) and decided she just wanted Donny to give her and this guy a ride to her car (she found her keys-her car was parked at her work place). So he comes home. And she calls barely half an hour later wanting him to come back and get her again. I said no. But he went anyways. Then he went to her place with her. I called and told him to come home. Which pissed him off. Well we fought all morning as he drove me to work (he needed the car to renew the tags on it). And I am talking a fight worse than any we have ever had. It was horrible.

Tonight we were civil. He apologized about this morning. But he is back sleeping in the spare room again. WTF??? He informed me that he is still going to be her friend whether I like it or not. He does however want to be with me and work on our marriage. But everything has to be on his terms! And that is really pissing me off. He just kills me because he says I have a right to feel the way I do, and that he would feel the same way. But he wants me to not tell him he can't be her friend, even though he understands why I feel the way I do about it. Is anyone else frustrated just reading that?? Because I feel like I am beating my head against a brick wall repeatedly. He says he loves me, wants to be with me, and doesn't want to hurt me. But he can't quit being her friend for me. His logic sucks.

Well anyways that is the short version of what's up. Instead of getting more hurt by it all...I get more pissed. And then I just get the "whatever" thing going on. One morning I am going to wake up and that is going to be the last day I put up with it...

~Melody

What a roller coaster ride...

This week has been so crazy. He has been back home living since last Friday night. Monday she told me that it was over between them. That no matter what happened between her and her husband she didn't want to be with Donny. Well I told him that and he was upset. But then he said a light bulb came on and he realized she was just using him and that he shouldn't ever talk to her again. We had a very nice breakthrough in him talking to me. And he cried. The next day he said he felt so much better after talking and crying. Well he didn't see or talk to her until....after she got off work Wednesday morning (after 2 am). He went over to her place while I slept. He isn't sleeping in our bed with me, so I had no idea. Granted he told me himself about it Wednesday evening, but still he snuck around to go do it. Wednesday evening he informed me that while we have been doing better, his plans are still that we are just friends. I can't seem to get across to him that we aren't just friends, we are married. But it falls completely out of his scope of reason. Thursday we had a good day. I took the whole day off of work to go with him to some dr. appts. We had fun and laughed alot. Then Thursday night he said some horrible things to me and was a complete asshole. Then when I woke up at 12:30 to our power going on and off...I discovered his intentions to go see her again! Which he did. He was gone for almost 2 and a half hours, maybe longer. I finally called and told him he needed to get back because he had to work. Well when he got back we got in a huge fight about him still seeing her. And he told me no matter what I say that isn't changing. That what is going on with him and I is best said like this. We were a bridge and the bridge exploded and now he is standing in the water trying to decided whether to rebuild or not. Then when I got mad about something he said that I should probably just go look for another bridge! UGH! I think his analogy should be that he blew up the bridge!

I am really hurting right now because I know that he thinks she is better than me. And he is not going to put me or my feelings above hers. He no longer acts like my husband or like he loves me, even though he says he does. I have done some major thinking today. And I have come to some decisions. And this time it will be on my terms...

~Melody

So much for breakthroughs....

Well our good night Thursday has been all shot to hell. Friday night he tells me when he gets off work he wants to talk. I say is it good or bad, he says it is better than it is now. Well before he can come tell me what is up, OW (other woman) calls and tells me thanks a lot. I am thinking WTF? Apparently her and her husband had been talking and were supposed to meet Friday night as well. But he found out Donny was living with her, and shit hit the fan. And I got blamed for it. I am thinking how dare they blame me for what they have done and are doing??? So next think I know...in marches Donny with all his stuff. So he has moved back home...but only to be my friend. He tells me just because he is back living with me, doesn't mean everything is okay. I am think DUH! do I look stupid or what? And he has now made clear to me that we are living together as friends. That is it. I am not allowed to touch him as anything more than that. And I am not allowed to talk to him about the affair or what we are going to do to either work it out or not. Our marriage is on hold and we are just friends now. What the hell??? Why does he get to make all the decisions? Why do I have to suffer further for what he has done?? And most importantly why am I letting him? Well I guess it comes from some of my "good, strong qualities" that everyone loves about me...they can also be a curse. Like the one where no matter what someone does to me, if I have or do care about them...I can't be mean back. The one that makes so determined to fix everything that I don't worry about myself. And also the one where I don't like to give up easily. Add those to the fact that I love him so deeply that I don't think I can love anyone that deeply again, and you have why I am letting him be this way to me. Even though I know I don't deserve it, and I should be looking out for myself. I can't tell him to just go and let it be over. I want to work out our marriage. I don't want to wake up tomorrow without him. I just want my husband back. And I don't understand why he doesn't want the same...

I just don't recognize him anymore. He is not the person he has always been. He seems to cold and uncaring now. I told him all I want is some comfort and understanding from him. He says he understands why I am feeling how I am feeling...and I should be feeling that way. But he doesn't like it. And that he can't comfort me from this pain because he caused it. So he has an internal battle going on too. But I don't know why we can't help each other. Well I guess it is because he doesn't want my help. I have told myself to sit back and let him come to me, because that is how he is. You push and he pulls. You back off and he comes forward. But there isn't a time frame on when he will come forward. So it is hard for me to do it, even though I know it's the only way. I want my husband back, and I want him now. I want my life back, and I want it now! I want to be the selfish one. I mean they have both got to be selfish. Can't I? They got their way when they were having the affair and now they continue to be friends against my better judgment. And so when to do I get things the way I want them? I am the victim of what they did, but I am the one being punished! It is so unfair! When I told him the only way I get him to talk is to piss him off, he said I hate talking to you when I am pissed off, because I always say things I don't mean! Well at least I know he hasn't meant all the things he said when he was pissed, because some are pretty bad. Like this time he said he should just divorce me, because then I would quit saying we can't just be friends because we are husband and wife! UGH! He is absolutely impossible. Like a paper saying we are divorced can change my feelings for him!

I feel like some just reached in and tore out my heart. And now they keep reaching in to tear out more...but there is none left. I feel pain more intense than I have ever felt my entire life. Sometimes it is all I can do to take a breath and take a step. I am strong and I know eventually I can rebuild my life without him, and find someone else to be happy with. But I don't want anyone else. I just want him. I don't know how I can every feel the same for anyone as I have him. I don't know how to give so unconditionally, love so deeply, and trust so easily...with someone else. I honestly just want to curl in a ball and never wake up...or wake up and it all be a nightmare...

~Melody

Last night and today...

Last night was a huge breakthrough in my mind. But I am trying to not get too sure that it is going to mean what I think. He came over and was very sad. It made me sad to see him so sad. But in my mind I knew that he needed to be. I think he finally realized the result of the affair. He finally realized what is at stake. And I think he finally realized what being with her versus being with me meant. He said he was out looking for places to live. They had been talking (although he won't tell me exactly what about) and they must have decided it was best for him to not live with her. Well I told him to come home. There was no reason to go live some where else when he could just come home. Why stress ourselves more with the finances being harder? I can't believe that he wouldn't want to come home versus being on his own. I can tell that even though he has been with her all week, he is lonely. I think they both realized the lives they had before they did this, and they realize they had it good. That whatever they are feeling for each other, isn't as good as it was with their spouses. I am so hoping he is going to tell me he wants to come home this weekend. I am hoping so that we can work out a few things to get us through the Christmas and New Year's holidays together. I don't want to look back and remember that our tenth holiday season together was spent apart...or even unhappily. And if he comes back home and wants to work out our marriage it will be enough to make me happy through the holidays. Beyond that I realize it will be a long hard road, but I am ready to take his hand and travel it with him at my side. I am now hoping he feels the same way. I have given him no reason not to. If he reaches inside of him and remember what it was that made him fall in love with me ten years ago, and what made him marry three and a half years ago...he will see that still exists.

Today I am at peace no matter what happens. I know that I have done all I can to prove to him how much he and our marriage means to me. I have done all I can to let him know I am willing to forgive him and work things out with him. But I have also let him know I as much as I want to be with him forever...I can't wait forever for him to decide he wants to be with me forever. I know I can go on with my life without him if I have to, as painful as it is, I can. I can be with someone else and be happy. But I know I can never love anyone the same way or as deeply as I have loved him. So I am hoping he can realize that in his heart he feels the same way. Because I know him better than he knows himself, and if just lets his heart take over he will realize where he is meant to be...and that is with me, the woman he married.

~Melody

The long story I have been trying to avoid telling..

Life as I have known it for the last ten years ended last Monday, when I finally admitted to myself what I had already known for awhile. My husband was having an affair. Not only was he having an affair...he was having an affair with someone I thought was my friend. And someone whose husband was supposed to be his friend. They have destroyed so much. Her husband left her and has filed for divorce. My husband has left me (after a whole week of torture of not knowing) and is living with her...across the street from our home. We were very close friends (well at least I thought) and they lived across the street. Her husband left her and so she is still living there. And so is Donny. He decides almost a week after I confront him that it is best that we "seperate" so he can decide what to do. Well I don't see how living with her is going to help him decide. Even after what he has done to me with the affair, I was willing to work things out with him, to help to save our marriage. But at this point it feels like it isn't worth it to him. That he is just throwing us away. I have never felt so much heartbreak in my life. I have good days and bad days...and sometimes worse days. I have tons of family and friends to help me...and I am seldom alone (well except at night when I have to crawl in our huge queen size bed alone). Even though I am not alone...I feel alone. I miss him so badly.

He is so confused about things. I mean he is still wanting to see me everyday. I had to say no and not let him. He wanted to come over each night after work (he finally got switched to day supervisor the day I confronted him was his first day) with the excuse of doing things that needed done at our place. But I know it was just because she was going to be at work and he missed me. He was trying to have us both, and he can't do that. He can not have me for all the things he loves about me, and then walk out the door each night to go be with her intimately. And I totally feel like that is what it is. I can't let him break my heart each night he leaves. And he can't miss me, therefore making up his mind what to do...if he sees me everyday. I have my weak moments when I have to call him or I really have to see him. But overall I know I have to stay strong and make him realize what he is about to lose. He still says he loves me every time we talk. But apparently not enough to come home. Apparently the sex must be really good. I mean why else would he leave the woman he married, has been with for ten years, and swears he loves and says I am the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with...to be with someone who has cheated repeatedly on her husband (once during this affair with Donny), drinks, smokes, and is the total opposite of me??? It makes no sense. It's like he has a drug addiction, with her being the drug. Like nothing else matters while he is on the drug. Like he is walking around in a fog. Thinking only with his sexual organ and not his heart and mind. Because if he was thinking with those he would be back home.

I am on this roller coaster ride that I can't get off of. Some days I am okay, some days I want to die, some days I think I can't make it if he doesn't come home, some days I think I am better off if he doesn't and I go on. Some days I cry, some days I am mad, and somedays I want to kill them both, and some days I am just defeated. And the roller coaster has my stomach so upset I can't even eat and keep it down. I have lost 12 pounds already and it just started last Monday (the 12th). Not that losing it has been bad...I need to lose another 40 to be back to the weight I was when I started dating him 10 years ago. And I will. But hopefully I can do it while still eating something and not puking my guts out.

I have tons of friends and family...they are always with me and checking on me. And when they are around I feel good and like I can make it. I am very lucky for all my friends and family, and my online friends as well. The support is awesome, and no doubt I would be a lot worse off right now if it wasn't for all that. I think that is half of his problem...he won't reach out to anyone but her. Because he knows that everyone else thinks he is crazy for not coming home to me and working it out. And he doesn't want to hear that. But honestly I think if he would reach out his friends and family would be willing to hear how he is feeling and only offer advice if he asks. But he won't reach out and he won't ask for anything from anyone but her. So he is the one in the end that will truly be lonely. She will cheat on him or get bored of him...whatever it is she does...and then he will be alone, because it will most likely be too late for us. I can't wait forever. As much as I want to at this point...I know I will wake up some day and realize that I am healed and ready to go on with my life. I know it isn't healthy to just put my life on hold forever to wait for him to decide I am worth it. And one day he will, I know.

Well that is just the overview. I have had so many heartbreaking moments and conversations over the course of the last 11 days. But I can't even seperate the days to try to tell them in order so that it all makes sense. Just know that I don't wish anyone to ever have to go through this for any reason!

Now that I am over the shock of discovery, I will be able to post more on how each day is going for me. I am doing it in hopes of helping anyone that has been or may end up in my situation.

~Melody

Hooray for checkup time!

I normally don't get so excited for a dr. appointment. But tomorrow is my checkup from the D&C so I should find out if everything is normal as far as that goes. And hopefully (crossing my fingers very hard) she will say it is okay to have sex. I am dying! It has been so hard this last week and a half to not have sex. I mean I feel wonderful and I am not bleeding, so that makes it super hard to not have sex. After not getting to hardly at all in the last couple months because of the bleeding, I am frustrated! LOL. Plus how can one get pregnant when one can't have sex?? So Donny might be getting attacked when he gets home from work Thursday morning! Good thing it is Thanksgiving and I don't have to go to work! My plans are to stay in bed until about noon and then get up to shower before going to Thanksgiving dinner at 2 pm. And I don't plan on doing much sleeping! LOL. If she says I can't have sex then I will still stay in bed until noon...but only to sleep so that I don't think about the fact that I still can't have sex!

Yesterday was my nephew Adam's second birthday. It's so hard to believe that he is already two. I mean it feels like I was just in the delivery room watching him make is debut into the world...and now he is two! He is very in love with anything Elmo right now. So I got him "Check up Time Elmo". It is so cute! And I got it during the awesome sale at K-Mart over the weekend. It was a steal! And he loves it! So now I am on a mission to find him more adorable Elmo stuff for Christmas. I was thinking a bedroom set, but I think my brother and sister-in-law are going to do that. But at the price of that stuff we could probably split it.

I can't believe all the new babies on pg.org. It is so heart-warming to see the pictures of the babies born to ladies I have been corresponding with since I started there almost three years ago!

Well I best get back to work!

~Melody

The Dreaded D&C...

Well the experience wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Nor has the recovery. I was so petrified going to the hospital on Friday. I was taken into a room and had to change out of my clothes and into one of those wonderful open back gowns! Then the nurses (who were just awesome) went over things with me and took my vitals. The IV didn't really hurt at all going in and the bruise is minor from it. Then another nurse came in and said that someone has been in looking for me already. And I was thinking who in the heck would have come to the hospital looking for me before I even got there at 7 am?!?! They said your mother-in-law, or step-mom, or maybe it was your step mother-in-law? Well considering I have all three...I had no idea which one. Until they said she was in the ER with dad. Well since Donny's dad is the only sick Dad I have I figured it was him. And it was. So of course my blood pressure was high when they took it after telling me that. So Donny and my friend went down to see what was wrong. Then Donny and his step mom come to my room and tell me that he is okay. Apparently he was throwing up blood so she called the ambulance. Well after some tests they concluded he was constipated so severely it was backed up into his colon. So they were going to treat and release him. So I relaxed. The nurses then told me I didn't have to have the local anesthetic after all, that my lungs were clear so I could have the general! Hooray! I was so relieved. The nurses were wonderful before and after the procedure. I know they made the experience so much easier.

Then they took me to the surgery room. They don't even let you walk...they just wheeled me there on my bed. I was pretty nervous going in this huge white room with all the lights. And man was it cold! But shortly after getting on the surgery bed they covered me with this warm toasty heated blankets! That was awesome. The Anesthesiologist was really nice and made me feel not so scared. Before I even know it was feeling groggy and next thing I knew I was back in my room. Everything went so fast. And boy was that anesthetic good stuff. I didn't feel any pain. After they let me get dressed I found out that they had admitted my father-in-law after all, so we went down to his room to check on him. The nurses were in there asking him a lot of questions. I was just standing there listening. My step mother-in-law was sitting in one chair and the nurse in the other. Well my step MIL asks me if I want to sit down. And I said no I am fine. She asks me again and this gets the nurses attention, who then notices my hospital bracelet. So my step MIL tells her I had a D&C. She says oh yesterday (thinking I stayed over night and was just released). No this morning. So the nurses freak out and make me sit down in this recliner. Then they get me apple juice and some of those great heated blankets! But honestly I was feeling no pain. I just wanted to make sure my FIL was okay before I went home. We went out for breakfast afterwards and got home about 11:30. I slept pretty much all day. And the did nothing the rest of the weekend. I didn't even leave the house. So today is the test of how things are. And so far I am great. The only pain I had was some mild cramping over the weekend was if I sat up for too long at a time (I was working on making my Christmas cards). Reclining seemed to be the most comfortable. I was bloated but that seems to be gone and my abdomen isn't hard anymore. Now the test will be to see how my next period is. Hopefully normal...

~Melody

Well I wish this post was as happy as last one. AF only stayed away a short 4 days after last post. And then she came back full force and horrible again. So I went back to the doctor. AF has since left again. Tomorrow morning bright and early I am having a D&C in hopes that cleaning everything out will keep my next AF from being so bad. Also so they can test the lining and make sure there isn't anything abnormal. I am really nervous about the whole thing. Even more so now, because I have a cold which means they will only being doing a local anesthetic instead of a general anesthetic. I didn't want to be aware of what they were doing at all! I am trying to stay calm because if I don't then my IBS will flare up and that will be even worse! After a few weeks (and I am healed from the D&C) they will do a HSG to see if my tubes have any blockages. That's only if the D&C works and the bleeding during AF goes back to normal. If it doesn't they will do a LAP to check for endometreosis or other problems. So this is just the start of the testing and procedures. I wish they would have done them a lot sooner! It's been almost three years!

Well I best get back to work and try not to think about it so I don't make myself sick..

~Melody

What a difference from yesterday!!

Yesterday I was a mess! I went to my doctor's appointment hoping for some answers and some relief. Well I didn't get either...at least not yesterday. My doctor has no idea why I would suddenly be having such awful periods. She did a blood pregnancy test to rule out miscarriage. Which it was negative. But that whole thing was a horrible experience. Normally she sends me down to the lab to have blood drawn. I have had a lot of blood drawn in the last three years and it is always easy for them...first try, everytime. They always comment on how easy it is to find my veins and draw the blood. Well for whatever reason, my doctor drew my blood this time. And it took her three painful times! The last one was the worst. It really hurt! I swear if she wouldn't have gotten it that time I was going to say no more! My arms look bad where she poked me. And the one she drew the blood from is horrible! And it still hurts! My friend said she blew out my vein! YIKES! I like my doctor and all...but not planning on letting her draw my blood again! So she sent me on my way with some provera to stop the bleeding and some birth control pills, in case I wanted to take them to try to regulate my cycles again and stop this horrible bleeding from starting.

Now for today! The provera worked even faster this time then last. I am barely bleeding now, after only two pills! Last time it was four pills. I feel awesome now! And am counting down the minutes until I get off of work tomorrow (planning on leaving early) because Donny took vacation from work...and so he has the whole weekend off!! And thanks to the provera I am really going to enjoy it! :D I am still not sure whether to go ahead and take the birth control in hopes of regulate my cycles or if it might make it worse. But I have until sometime shortly after the provera is gone (which I have 8 more days of it) when I start to bleed again, to decide whether to take it or not. So for now I am going to enjoy things the way they are!

~Melody

UGH! (that says it all!)

Well I have once again gotten really lax in posting. Well as I type this I am once again suffering from a horrible visit (not to mention late) from AF. It's like before...heavy and a lot of clots. I am on day 9 of it! YUCK! I was 19 days late this time. And from last cycles chart I am easily assuming that I didn't ovulate. It so sucks to bleed like this. I have no energy, and going anywhere is a major ordeal. I am constantly in the bathroom and worrying about leaking. This weekend I really wanted to go to this haunted forrest that Donny's family is doing in Missouri...but I won't be able to have fun if I am constantly in the bathroom...and worrying about leaking. Nothing is any fun right now. Staying home is the only solice. I don't understand what is going on. I had my first menstral cycle when I was 13. From then until I went on birth control at age 19 I had medium flow for 3 to 4 days. No clots, mild cramping. Then after birth control until now....it was light for the most part (occasionally a bit of medium) for only 2 to 3 days. Now I am going 2 to 3 weeks with heavy flow and lots of clots...and only stopping with meds. WTF is going on! I am so frustrated! It is bothering me so bad I am considering going back on birth control in hopes of it not happening anymore. I mean geez if I am not going to get pregnant, what is the point of putting up with this!?!?!

~Melody

I have done it again...

I haven't posted in forever! I go in spurts it looks like. Post for two or three days close together...and then not again for weeks!

Well I kept all three of my nephews all weekend! I got them after work Friday and didn't take them home until supper time last night. It was exhausting. The littlest (he is going to be two in November) is an only child and not used to having others to play with. But he is also not used to there being so much to get into! I have so many knick knacks and such...I swear I spent all weekend following him around saying "No Adam!". LMAO. The other two (8 yrs and 3 yrs) are brothers so of course I dealt with the usual sibling squabbling. They brought I swear 50 cars to play with...but of course they fought constantly over this one pickup! LOL. It was crazy. And they didn't want the little guy messing with their cars for the most part. But he didn't understand when they had them in lines across the coffee table...that they didn't want him to move one! LOL. He was just trying to help the flow of traffic. :)

So I haven't had my period yet and I think I am on day 37. But my temp has been all over the place since last time so I must not have ovulated. Not a big surprise for many reasons. The first being I haven't taken Clomid in quite awhile. And with last time being so messed up I am sure that didn't help. Plus being sick didn't help. And I have been taking Zoloft for my IBS. I think I am just going to sit back and enjoy being AF free right now. It's the end of summer and the start of fall...we have a million things we are trying to cram in before it gets too cold, so I think I will just use it to my advantage...who has time for AF when you are so busy?? The plus to taking the Zoloft for my IBS...I swear it takes a lot more to make me mad! Last weekend Donny got home from work and when he was ready to go to sleep (at like 8 am) he asked me if I could go lay on the couch instead of sleeping with him. I usually stay up late and then sleep at least for awhile with him. Normally I would have been insulted and angry. Instead I simply said "Sure honey, it's okay. I am not that tired anyways." I walked out of the room and thought "But it's not okay." I think he likes me taking it because he doesn't find himself in as much trouble for stuff! LOL.

I boxed up all the baby clothes (I have collected over the years) by gender and size last week. I am thinking of selling basically everything baby I have. I will probably keep the crib and toddler beds...maybe the stroller and a car seat too. But I think everything else I have left from doing daycare I will sell. It's not likely I will be doing daycare again, my job pays more than I could make doing it. And it's not looking likely I will need it anytime soon for myself. Besides being unprepared seems to be the true key to becoming pregnant anyways! It makes me sad to part with it, some of it was given to me by close friends and family so it has some sentimental value...but it's not doing any good boxed in my back bedroom (the playroom as we call it).

~Melody

Today's goods and bads...

Okay so the best part of today is...that ten years ago on this day Donny gave me his class ring and asked me to be his girlfriend! It's really hard to believe it has been that long. At that moment of course I hoped it would be for a long time....but I know that it will be forever now! Our families and friend didn't figure we would stay together because we were so different. And honestly we were a lot different back then. But now we have grown together and while we still have our differences, we are now a lot the same. We showed everyone that we were meant to last...we have outlasted many relationships and even some marriages of our families and friends. I am so happy and feel extremely loved each and every day with Donny!

Now for the bad. I am still sick. I can hardly sleep, have bad stomachaches, diarrhea, fever, and can't eat. So I am heading to the doctor at 2:15. My friend says it sounds like either my gall bladder or a cyst that is bleeding. Whatever it is they need to find it and fix it...I can't take many more days of this. I hate not functioning normally! I will hopefully know more very soon!

~Melody

Not Feeling Well At All...

I don't know what is wrong with me. It started after supper last night. I got very nauseous and just plain didn't feel good. I have problems with my stomach from time to time. Mostly all that happens is I get horrible intestinal cramps and have to sit in the bathroom, and basically clean my intestinal system out (I think it's IBS). Then within an hour or so I am fine. I can eat again and everything. But the last two times (last night being the second) it didn't just end. I got the chills and a fever, along with being very achey. By 2 am I was running a 101 temperature. Which is really high for me considering my normal temp is only around 97.0 to 97.5. I hardly slept at all because of the sweats and chills and also it ached to move. I couldn't get comfortable at all. When I got up for work my temp was still 99. Here it is after 3:00 pm and I still feel horrible. Very weak and very achey. I can't wait to go home. I am trying to eat. But it's taken me an hour and a half to try to eat half of a sub style sandwich. And that is forcing myself because I am not hungry at all. My boss says I need to go to the doctor because she got a yeast infection in her colin once and it makes you think you are getting the flu frequently. And that is what this feels like. I am hoping it goes away very soon. I hate feeling this way. I can't concentrate to accomplish anything here at work...and I certainly can't accomplish anything physically, like vaccuming-which I really need to do.

At least it waited until last night to make me sick. Sunday we went to a drive-in that just opened about 45 minutes from our house. We saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and the Dukes of Hazzard. I enjoyed both movies and very much enjoyed sitting out under the stars watching them! Some things that make a comeback are wonderful!

~Melody

Where does the time go??

Wow I can't believe I haven't posted for that long! I am happy to say that I didn't bleed for about two weeks. And then I when I started again it was heavy...but only lasted four days. So it was obviously AF. Hopefully I am back on track now. I am having a little trouble accepting that all the bleeding was just a "bad period". In my mind (and heart) I really feel like it was a miscarriage. So much for not over testing. I will now become ranked right up there with those addicted to peeing on a stick. Only not so much because I am anxious to know whether or not I am pregnant...but as a precaution. I want to know if I am pregnant...even if it is going to end in a miscarriage. Then at least I know I can get pregnant. Some might not understand that, but I just have to know if my body at least works somewhat!

I have been working on revamping the look of my blogger so it is more "me", and not just the template. I know a lot of html, it's just figure out where in their template form I need to put them. I am hopefully going to add some pictures soon!

Well I have to cut this short because here at the radio station we are involved in a drive for non parishables to send to the Hurricane Katrina victims. And at this point I am the information center for all the businesses and media so I need to get back at it. I am so excited to be involved in this because I sit each evening just watching the coverage on CNN and Fox News and I cry. It just breaks my heart.

~Melody

A Better Week...

I have been having a much better week. I stopped bleeding on Sunday morning. I have been nervous all week though...afraid it will return. But so far it hasn't. I have three more days of provera and then it is most likely to return, but hopefully it will be normal. And then hopefully next cycle and will O! Which of course leads me to hoping to finally get PG. I have been so overwhelmed with the bleeding that I haven't had much time to enjoy anything else. Or talk about anything else. There really is much more than this going on in my life.

A couple weeks ago some old friends of mine came to town with their kids and I spent several hours with them. Luckily it was near the start of all this mess so I was able to enjoy it. I can't believe how big the kids are. I have been friends with them since they were pregnant with the oldest...and now they have 4. The youngest turned 3 in May. They are the greatest kids...and I could tell a million stories about them. I miss them so much since we moved (almost 2 years ago now). I used to see them daily. Now I am lucky to see them every two or three months. They obviously miss me very much too...they fought over who got to sit with me and who got to hold my hand when we were shopping. When we went from the restuaurant to Walmart, they even all had to ride in my car with me! I really do love being around the kids. My little nephews are the greatest too. Hunter (he just turned 3) got an infection last week and couldn't keep anything down...so they had to take him to the ER, so he could get some IV fluids. Well he made my brother call me. And he got on the phone with his saddest sound little voice and told me he was sick and I needed to come now. Of course I couldn't because it was 9 pm on Thursday night and I had to work the next morning at 8 am (it's an hour drive to see them). So I had to promise to come see him on Sunday so that he would let me go. Adam (my sister's) is 1 and a half now and he cries when I leave. I know not having kids of my own would be a hundred times harder if it wasn't for them and all the other kids' that I have had the opportunity to care for. Well I guess I best get off of here for now...Have a great weekend!

~Melody

Not getting any better...

Well I went to the doctor this morning. She said the bleeding was either a m/c, cysts, or endo. She did an exam, urine pg test, and an ultrasound. She just called back and said that everything looks perfectly normal. WTF!?!? Perfectly normal..well I am not feeling perfectly normal. I mean honestly 17 days of bleeding...with the last week being horrible bleeding. I can not figure how that is normal! So I have to take provera. Not overjoyed...she said I will stop bleeding for 10 days and then start again! Great news...just what I want to know...I get ten days of no bleeding and then who knows how many when it starts again! I totally hate being a woman at this point, and I wish I could hide for the next month!

I am buying out the Blue Bunny Ice cream isle this weekend!

~Melody

And it gets worse...

Last night I am out for supper with a friend. On our way from the restaurant to Wal-Mart my body decides to have one big gush...and it soaked through my pad (which was totally clean before that) through my underwear, and through my jeans. If I hadn't had a long shirt on it would have been worse. So when we got to Wal-Mart (I don't live in town) I had to buy new pants, underwear, and another bag of pads (they were on my list anyways). Then I had to go to the bathroom and change. It was horrible. Nothing like that has happened to me since 9th grade. And it wasn't even as bad then as it was now. It was awful, and pretty much took all energy that I had left. I went home and soaked in the tub with a romance novel (the only romance I am getting right now). So far today the bleeding seems lighter. But that has happened a couple times this cycle...and then it picked back up. So not counting on it ending. Let me tell you...if my boss wasn't on vacation right now, I wouldn't be at work today. I wanted to just stay home in bed. Talk about needing a half gallon of my favorite ice cream!

~Melody

Officially the worst TTC cycle yet!

Wow.. I can't believe I haven't posted in three weeks! What is wrong with me! Well probably because I have been taking my frustrations out on everyone around me instead of doing it here. Not good I know. But I am in such a bad mood almost all the time these days. First it was, I am sure, because AF was 20 days late...so lots of mood swings. But now it's because she won't leave! I mean today is CD 15 and she is still here...and doesn't show any signs of leaving anytime soon. This is the not only the absolute longest period I have ever had...but also the heaviest. I can't stand it any longer. The blood is making me sick. Thank goodness I have only had cramps a couple days, and they weren't horrible. But the bleeding is horrible. It's heavy flow, with lots of clots, and very red. Nothing old about it...even though I was 20 days late starting. My doctor can't get me in until Friday morning. Honestly I was hoping it would be gone by then. I don't know how much more I can take. I am horrible to everyone and between being mad about everything imaginable...I want to cry. I am certain part of my frustration is not being able to be intimate with Donny. So I guess I know that I am most definitely not getting pregnant this cycle! And we are even fighting because he says I am being too bitchy. Well wouldn't he if he was bleeding constantly for 2 weeks!?!? I over all feel horrible...stay in bed and do nothing horrible. And to top it all off...I have an infection in both eyes from the pollen in the air getting behind my contacts. So all in all the last two weeks have sucked. And I don't even feel better talking about it! I would in no way wish this cycle from hell on anyone!

~Melody

Well it's a Monday...

And a blah one at that. Nothing exciting to report really. It's overcast...and I am sure it is humid if I step outside. But I think I will stay in the comforts of the A/C here at work. Boy wouldn't I have loved to stay home in bed this morning. I could as we speak either be still in bed cuddling with Donny (I know...it's 1 pm...but he works nights so he will definitely still be in bed) or I could be up enjoying a cribbage tournament. Either way much more relaxing than working. Which I really need to get back to since lunch is ending.

AF still hasn't found her way to my house. She is taking her sweet time since I am now I believe 12 days late. I could be ovulating again any day soon, had she shown on time. But no that would be easy. I feel bad in wishing the BFN was wrong (on 7/1) because I haven't been doing good things in case it was. I haven't been taking my vitamins, eating right, sleeping enough, and have drank several times since the BFN. But none the less I find myself wishing I was pregnant. Well on the sad, depressing note...I think I best get back to work if I want to get out of here at 5. Which Donny will be a little upset if I am not since he has a ballgame at 6:30 and it takes me 35 minutes to get home...and another 15 to the ball field.

Hope everyone else is avoiding the Monday blahs...

~Melody

Do you ever just not feel good mentally?

Right now if someone where to ask me how I am feeling? I would say not well at all. But I wouldn't have any physical illness to tell them about. Physically I am fine...no aches or pains. But mentally I wish I was in bed sleeping the day away. I can't even explain exactly why. I just know that mostly I want to cry. Going to the message boards makes me want to cry...thinking about the BFN I got on Friday makes me want to cry...thinking of Donny being at work tonight makes me want to cry...pretty much everything makes me want to cry. And what doesn't make me want to cry...just makes me mad. I am so not a people person today. Or for the last few days actually. I just don't feel right. Maybe it's just because of the fact that my period still hasn't started...so maybe I have a million hormones surging through me. But whatever the reason I wish it would go away. I hate feeling this way. Geez just typing this makes me want to cry.

Our 4th of July trip to Des Moines was okay. I will write about it later. I am just not in the mood right now...

~Melody